Petraeus: Why We Need to Give a Pass To our Philandering Leaders

"If Ben Franklin and Tom Jefferson had been nickeled and dimed to death by lawyers and bimbos and preachers, we might still be some kind of rich and stolid British colony like Canada — or just another continuous new-worid experiment in mutated democratic giantism like Brazil. Ben's lechery made even the French nervous, and Jefferson was known to have an overweening affection for his slaves." – Hunter S. Thompson, GENERATION OF SWINE

*

Philandering leaders are as American as apple pie and freedom. The fact that our country has sunk to such a low that we view extra-marital affairs as a perfectly sane reason for vilifying a decorated and well-regarded general is just another example of how our nation is slowly sinking backwards into the European aristocratic bullshit it was founded to rebel against.

JFK banged everybody from Marilyn Monroe to half the White House intern pool and even other government officials' wives. FDR was trapped in his wheelchair yet still managed to bang his cousin on the regular while his wife was off entertaining the love that dare not speak its name. And if you went back to the 19th century and before you'd be hard-pressed to find a President who didn't have more than a few dalliances on the side.

But let's look at it from another angle, in the light of the prehistoric military law against extra-marital affairs that everybody's saying could result in a court martial for Petraeus (though that's, thankfully, unlikely).  Supreme Commander Allied (Expeditionary) Force of the North African Theater of Operations   Eisenhower (that being his title at the end of the war, after already rising through the standard denotations of General and Commanding General of the European Theater) was banging Kay Summersby, his personal driver and later secretary, while winning the last great war. Elsewhere, superhero Patton was busy diddling his wife's step-niece and MacArthur was having his way with a Filipina movie star. 

Basically, the whole dream team that won WWII was really just a bunch of brilliant, hard-nosed philanderers. Imagine how stoked Hitler would have been if we'd decided the extra-marital proclivities of FDR, Eisenhower, Patton, and MacArthur had been more important than their acumen for leadership during the tough times. 

And now everybody in America is all up in arms about this Petraeus banging his biographer business, so much that it's expanding to NATO commanders and beyond. Grow up, people. Seriously? What the fuck does the sex lives of our leaders have to do with their ability to lead us? It's bourgeois conservative bullshit like this which is literally killing what made America great. We've become so obsessed with voyeurism and, even more, with judging public figures, so concerned with lifestyles and bible-based morality that we assign absurd importance to details which have none. I don't care if a General or a President has sex with half the single 18 and over female population in the country. I just want them to be a good leader. 

You know who was one of the most respectable, All-American leaders we've ever had? Who exuded sobriety and fidelity and smacked of good 'ol protestant morals? George W. Bush. And we saw how that worked out.

For the record I've never cheated on my wife. I've actually only ever cheated on one girl one time, 12 years ago and the girl I cheated on was most likely cheating on me with half of Colorado so there. I believe that there's a certain level of egocentrism and downright dishonesty in cheating on the person who's supposed to be your life partner, especially if that cheating is a full-blown long term affair (I'd be a fool and an asshole to pretend that one slip-up's the same as an ongoing tryst on the side).  But I have no idea how Petraeus cheating on his old, fat wife (she's gotta weigh more than him) with the smokin' young Harvard Grad and Army Reserve member Paula Broadwell is any of my business. To be honest, I think were we to stop all this moral fire and brimstone and look at it objectively, not only should we be applauding Petraeus, we should be pushing him and this smart, hardbodied reservist to procreate - imagine the supersoldier that would come out of that coupling? That, my friends, is evolution in action.

But in the end, it comes down to the simple fact that socially conservative Americans apparently have too much free time. When you have too much free time and a bible-based idea of right and wrong, which includes a belief that it's your God-given duty to expose and prosecute any immoral activities, you can go poking around in people's private lives and getting indignant about indiscretions that are, quite frankly, none of our business. How is it that these bible-based morality laws, instead of becoming weaker as more and more Americans discover they're bullshit, are becoming stronger? Is it the fear of Religious wackjobs or the fact that the Republican party is coming to depend on the religious right more and more as the only consistent constituency thanks to anti-homo and pro-life stances? Why do we think a good leader should also be a good person? Let's look at what makes a good leader:

• Decisiveness
• A firm grasp of logic
• A concept of justice
• Strength
• Ability to handle multiple things at once 
• Ability to delegate and trust your underlings

So let's look at this scenario

Just look at that admiration from the front row

• He was able to weight the facts - frumpy old woman who's tired of hearing his war stories or beautiful young woman who stares at him in admiration (as in this picture - just look at her in the front row)
• He's in charge of the intelligence that's keeping America safe  - that should entitle a man to special exemptions from most rules
• See above
• To keep up with a slim 20 years his junior while also waging the war on terror under two very different presidental regimes takes epic strength and some major multi-tasking skills
• He was able to trust the men who served him to be loyal enough to not interfere with his personal life

Yes, I understand that there are a few other factors at play here. Broadwell threatened a Petraeus family friend, most likely for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. And she had access to some confidential material found after the FBI raided her house, though in the days of WikiLeaks and all the millions of ways of getting information (and the fact that she, in fact, is military) that's most likely unrelated to Petraeus.  So seriously, what's this all about?

We saw the first hints of this come about during the legendary Clinton Zippergate. And then there have been all the high-profile cheating debacles of celebrities (Hugh Grant, Meg Ryan, Schwarzenegger, just to name a few) politicos (Spitzer, John Edwards come to mind) and now this Petraeus thing which every other second seems to reach to another fucking military head. And to all this I have one thing to say: STOP IT.

This bullshit prying into their personal lives like it's a goddamn episode of KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS and then using atavistic laws and customs to bring down giants of industry, politics, and entertainment is just more of the same old late 20th century American fixation with bringing down those above us. Even more, it's another example of the fact that, just like the overweight pie-baking housewife next door who likes to spend her free time snooping on the charismatic and attractive couple next door, Americans are just obsessed with everybody else's private lives because their own lives are so fucking dull, depressing, and empty. Stop it. Get a hobby. Learn a new language. Maybe take a macrame class, whatever the fuck macrame is. 

Because seriously, if America had been as puritanical when our nation first became independent
as we have become, this nation simply never would have come about. And maybe that's part of the reason we're falling into the shit-filled rut we have. Because we judge people based on their sexual fidelity more than by their accomplishments and achievements it seems; that is, a man's failures or successes as a leader rarely lead to the type of attention that comes with fidelity and, even more, a man's shitty leadership won't result in termination for years yet a girl on the side breaking gets a man fired before the hour's up. I won't condemn cheaters nor will I make excuses (though I could point to all sorts of reasons such as several million years of evolution based on mass-reproduction from the best of the species, the fact that being great takes a certain level of ego which takes the adoration of those around one and few wives have the wherewithal to give their great husbands the adoration they need after decades of marriage, etc...) because that's not my place. Like it's not yours. Judging another man for what goes on his bed, whether he's the POTUS or a janitor, is a sort of sick mental masturbation no doubt related to a person's own personal feelings of dark shame and pathetic envy.

Stop it. And leave the man alone. Let his wife chastise him. And leave his underlings alone. This farce has gone on long enough. Next thing you know they'll start upholding sodomy laws and stoning fat people as the bible commands. Because the way things are going, our Mayflower prudishness compounded by our judgmental desire to see great men fall and the envy that comes when complacency and materialism replace industry and altruism will be a cornerstone of America's fall from a nation of great men and women to a big fat swath of faithful corporate colonists.

- Ryan