Man's Ambitions in 2011 - A recap, pt. 2

(Continued from here)

GOV’T SHUTDOWN? – We’re threatened with a government shutdown when Obama, on July 7, refuses to accept the Republican proposal for criteria for raising the debt ceiling. Just another example of the pathetic bickering that has come to expose modern American politics as a gang of 5-year-olds whining over who gets the larger end of a growing-filthier-by-the-minute sandbox.

NEWSIES – In July a story broke about News of the World, a News Corp. division, having hacked into and surveilled phones of September 11 victims and family members. A heavy right wing superpower caught red-handed illegally spying on people for the alleged good of citizenry? The heck you say.

NO MORE SHUTTLES FOR ROCKET MAN – Also in July, the last shuttle to ever be deployed in the US Space Shuttle program takes off for more esoteric study of how household products hold up in outer space.

THE MAGIC ENDS – The 8th and final Harry Potter movie, THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, PT. 2, bowed on July 7^th in the U.S. to be the top movie of the year. It also finally solidified the Harry Potter movies as the top grossing franchise of all time, even over JAMES BOND and STAR WARS. Compound that with an all-time top-selling book franchise and this is the final public bowing of an entity involved with the top all-time multi-media entertainment property. That is, of course until they remake the movies in 30 years with Daniel Radcliffe as Dumbledore.

AMERICA, THE LAND OF DEBT: Amidst a global financial crisis, on August 6^th or 7^th, America’s credit rating, due to our country’s ever-increasing trillion-dollar debt (and I thought the $10 grand I have on my credit card was bad) and epicly poor economic practices all around, was downgraded to AA+ from AAA. Oh, and the market took a violent plunge. Start practicing Chinese, folks.

FOOTBALL, THE AMERICAN PASTIME: Showing they understand and embrace their new role as American athletic frontrunner (as well as TV titan), in August the NFL players and owners ratified a new collective bargaining agreement, leaving us with a shortened practice time but a full-regulation season. Go Ravens.

MAN’S AMBITION – was launched in August. Yes, this blog you’re reading. Technically it’s a part of relevant history, right?

PRETTY-BOY FLOYD – Floyd Mayweather Jr. in September defeated Ortiz with a questionable combo in a TKO. His shit-talking continued, as did his flamboyant, cocky, gotta hate this asshole behavior. Still, he’s not man enough to face Pacqiao.

RESTROOMS OCCUPIED: On September 17, in New York’s Zucotti park a couple angry unemployed citizens gathered together to protest economic policies that have managed to pad the pockets of the top 1% while the other 99% (general numbers with seemingly no real meaning) struggles to keep their homes and feed their families. A movement without politicization, organization, or central leadership, it also did what nobody has done since the 60’s – given a voice to the marginalized of America. On the upside, it’s showing perhaps America is motivated to finally be passionate about something again other than whining about paying taxes for programs from which they benefit (Tea Partiers – read: hypocrites). It’s also exposed the current shadow police force of this country for what they are as cops are finally forced to club dissenters into obedience all up and down the California coast. On the downside, as of now that Occupy voice would win the “Talks most, says least” award in the high school yearbook.

MAD FAMILY – MAD MEN and MODERN FAMILY won best Drama and Comedy series Emmys, respectively. Kyle Chandler won best drama actor for FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (the best show that nobody watches) and Jim Parsons won best actor for his uber-geek on BIG BANG THEORY.

GADDAFI –CK OUTTAHERE – Libya’s brutal dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, was killed on October 19^th, 2011, ending 42 years of hell for a country only recently given to open rebellion and protest. Hunter S. Thompson wrote in the 80’s that, if Reagan can’t get Gaddafi out now get ready for decades of corrupt regime rule. He also pointed out George Bush Sr.’s arming of the Contra rebels as well as many other current enemies of state and how election of the Bush family would only lead to more U.S. corruption and lying but nobody listened and here we are, still paying for our deaf ears. HST, God Rest in Peace.

MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS – On October 28^th the St. Louis Cardinals in game 7 of the World Series. Tony LaRussa announced his retirement from being manager, after 33 seasons and after having become only the 9^th manager in MLB history to win 3 or more championships. It was the lowest-viewed World Series in history (with a slight uptick for game 7, though). Translation: baseball has no place in America’s fast-paced, jaded modern world. Sorry, Babe.

PASSING OF A VISIONARY – Steve Jobs, the man who redefined modern personal computing SEVERAL TIMES died of pancreatic cancer on October 5^th, 2011. In a hundred or two hundred years he’ll go down as our generation’s Edison, surely. As Obama said, it’s a testament to his impact that most people found out about his death on a product he invented. Now let’s give Apple 10 years before they plummet back into the obsolescence from which he plucked it (after, of course, founding and then being forced out of said fruit company).

EUROPEAN ALL OVER MY LEG – within 3 days of each other starting November 9^th, two prominent European Prime Ministers were forced to resign their posts. George Papandreou proved that perhaps a Socialist isn’t the best person to preside over a country racked by bad financial decisions and lacking any superlative exports, especially when his people are forced by the rest of the region to adopt austerity measures. Then Silvio Berlusconi, perhaps the most corrupt leader in the Western world (for fuck’s sake he was convicted of fixing the Italian Premier League in favor of the team he owns, Juventus and recently has been assailed by one sexual harassment case after the next, not to mention all his questionable business moves – it’s like Herman Cain mixed with Tom Delay and Arnold Rothstein to make a super-villain who somehow got elected to the White House), stepped down amidst claims from European union that his country’s debts could very well be big enough to destroy the Euro.

WHO’S RIGHT? With an underwhelming selection of Republican candidates going into Iowa (semi-retarded Bachman, two-faced Perry, red-faced hypocrite Gingrich, and Paul, who frightens the very party of which he’s a member), it doesn’t look like the GOP’s gonna be able to kick the black man out of the house. If only Cain hadn’t turned out to be such a pervert, right guys?

NBA PROTESTS – Feeling left out of the Occupy movement, NBA players refused to agree to the terms dictated by the powers that be. I understand. I too don’t think millions of dollars a year is enough for me to be paid to play a game by an executive team that gets nothing out of the deal but the satisfaction of signing my check (owning an NBA team is the least-profitable investment a rich man can make). Finally, on November 26^th they agreed to tentative terms with a shortened season starting on Christmas day. Good, I was worried about all those ballers since 65% of all basketballers are bankrupt or in serious financial trouble within 5 years of retiring.

ANGRY MAN OF THE YEAR – Time Magazine named its 2011 man of the year after the blanket “Protester”, eschewing frontrunner Steve Jobs. It makes sense. With protests, uprisings, and rebellions stretching from Egypt and Syria through literally every Arab nation, to Israel and Pakistan and into Greece and Italy, to American states from the disbanded unions in Wisconsin (are they still allowed to have Labor day?) to the Occupy movements in literally ever somewhat metropolitan city to south American college students, it’s a sign that the world is angry with the status quo. Finally, the melancholy paradigm of the 90’s and ‘00’s has given way to the NETWORK battle cry “I’m mad as hell and I can’t take it anymore.”

REST IN PEACE “Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have” – Kim Jong Il, best portrayed in the movie TEAM AMERICA and by a female doppelganger in an episode of IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY, died on December 17^th, leaving a brainwashed country cut off from the rest of the world like a kidnappee without a kidnapper to keep the gates locked. No, wait, they do have a successor: His fat baby-huey-looking youngest son Kim Jung Eun, best known for obeying his crazy father’s every whim and torturing and killing little animals during his youth. Yes, this bodes well for everybody,  especially the Olympic committee for the 2018 Seoul games.

AND IT’S ALL FOR NAUGHT – Within hours of America’s December 18^th final pullout from Iraq, the country had fallen back into sectarian violence and violent governmental in-fighting. Hey, seriously guys, I thought it was a good idea. Really believed that we could bomb a country with a social dynamic more similar to Feudalist Europe than modern day America through a thousand years of the most radical artistic, intellectual, and governmental revolutions ever seen in the history of mankind. I give the country 6 months before it either fractures into 3 or falls back into dictatorship.

So here’s to 2012. If all continues, it’s time to put all your money into gold, sell your stock in Apple, and dust off your copy of Camus’ THE REBEL. Here’s to a year of more revolt, loathing, and, hopefully, finally some forward momentum towards a (slightly) more enlightened, masculine, prosperous, and humane world. God knows we might not survive another plunge like 2011.

Though it was quite a ride.

Oh yeah, and I promise, no more political talk (unless it's really, really necessary). Next up, Oscars, 2012. Taste the excitement. 

From Man's Ambition, signing off for 2011, this is Ryan Ariano.

Kyle's Lock-Street: NYE 2011/12 edition

This weekend entails the inevitable end to what was one hell of a year. 2011 consisted of not one, but two lockouts, the sex scandal plague, nonstop concussion banter, and a phenomenon better known as Tebow. What else can you ask for during the final day of this year then to win money. The locks are below.

Saturday

NCAA Football

2:00pm

Utah (+2) vs. Georgia Tech- Under Coach Kyle Whittingham, Utah has gone 6-1 in bowl games. They have a running back that has surpassed 1400 yards and a stout defense that has allowed less than 20 points per game. That said, I could see this game being won by a field goal since GT has the third best rushing attack in the game. No matter what, it should be a good one, and while GT would like to put a halt to their record of 0-6 in bowl games skid, they won’t do it this year

3:30pm

UCLA (+3) vs. Illinois- While UCLA is the first team ever to make a bowl game with a losing record, Illinois is the first team with six straight losses after 6 wins. This game is not going to be pretty or exciting, but between Franklin and Prince, Illinois will not be able to hold UCLA down. You can also look at statistical averages and notice that UCLA averages more passing yards, rushing yards, total yards, and points per game.


NBA

3:30pm
LA Lakers (-5.5) vs. Denver- Denver has done better than most had expected after the departure of Melo, but they are certainly now not a top tier team. Now while Lawson is a great player, Bryant and Gasol will make sure to stay in the driver seat. Bet big on the Lakers as they are starting to get the new system down under a new coach.
Sunday

NFL

1:00pm

Jets (+3)- vs. the Dolphins- There are a few things that are a given when it comes to Rex Ryan. First, he is an arrogant pric, who over hypes his team. Second, he was ridiculous statements every year. Third, he knows how to run a defense. Finally, he gets his teams to the dance. This game has playoff implications as they need to win then hope Ms. Lady Luck is on their side and Rex will not allow them to completely end their chances by their own hands.

4:15pm

Kansas City (+3) vs. Denver Broncos-The Tebowminites believed they would win every game with this mediocre QB at the helm, which has proven to be wrong. Kansas City is a little better than their record while the Boncos are worse than their record. Watch as Denver losses game and wish the Raiders the best of luck in the playoffs.

8:30pm

Giants vs. Cowboys (o 46.5)- This is the biggest game of the weekend. Whoever wins, wins the division while the other gets an early vacation. With Romo being given the green light to play and Eli playing at an elite level, I foresee a shitload of points scored.

Happy Betting in 2011 - Kyle Ariano

How to Make an NBA Loser

And please everyone rise for your Washington Wizards. The commentator presented this with such excitement that there was no choice but to feel that energy and devotion seep through you. This Monday, I went to the opening game for the Washington Wizards. This was the first opening NBA game I had ever attended and while I feel a draw to the Wizards, they are losers. I can’t ever foresee them not being losers unless they add 1 or two keys players who can keep a defense from engulfing Wall.

The Wizards, like most small teams, have their share of diehards, but do not have much support emotional or financially. While there is a salary cap in the NBA and NFL, compared to that of the MLB, why would a player want to go to a team that lacks the funds or interest to keep players happy besides a salary? There are a lot of reasons why a team is terrible. The most overarching reason is that one team has better players, but there are other factors that go into what makes a team a losing, the most prominent being, of course, its coach.

The players:

The NBA, like the NFL, adopted a salary cap in order to create parity in the league. There are certain small market teams that have looked decent over the last couple of years such as the Kansas City Thunder and the Memphis Grizzlies and while the Thunder are young and feisty, how long can they sustain before someone like Durant or Harding leaves to NYC, LA, or Boston?  While these teams consist of 1 star and several invaluable role players, there is a current trend in the NBA has led to what might inevitably be the destruction of parity in the NBA. Dallas Mavericks might be the last team to when a championship without the help of at least two superstars. The Knicks made a trade for Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony last year and the Celtics have their big three in Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett. Then, last year, the Heat proved that this trend was not a fluke by teaming three all-stars in Wade, Bosh, and James in what is better known as “The Decision”. The reason why these players have decided to flock is because they believe that these organizations' top priority is to win a championship and they are willing to do what it takes to make it happen.

These large markets (NYC, Boston, and Miami) have the owners and the funds to woo top tier players into playing for their organization. By wining and dining them and showing these players what a true fan base is, they have been able to lasso these players into submission. These teams also know that in order to maintain their high financial prowess, they need to get all-stars on their roster. The NBA is the only game where 1 player has the ability to dynamically change the outcome of a game. Financially, owning a team is not a profit-generating investment. In fact, of the 30 teams in the NBA, only 8 teams actually made a profit. That leaves 22 wary owners afraid of losing too much money. Why worry financially if your team usually makes a profit or at least does not lose too much? Also, look at the locations of these teams. Miami and LA look more enticing than, say, Portland or Atlanta.

The MLB is a different situation. The small market teams need amazing farm systems to compete every year. The one team that defies all logic is the Tampa Bay Rays, whose star player called out the fans for being such ungrateful shitheads. They consistently compete in the strongest division in all of sports. The majority of the small market teams have their 10 minutes of fame then fade away to the deep dark recesses of failure. The reason for this simply is the lack of salary cap. How can a small market team in a city of a couple hundred thousand compete with cities of 9-12 million people, or even a team who represents an entire region (Boston)? A decent coach can only do so much in this league, but what has been proven is that the larger market teams will buy any all-star from the small market teams, leaving the MLB similar to a 99%/1% situation. Where are the occupiers when you need them?

The NFL has the most parity of all sports and this is because of the rules implemented. With a strictly regulated salary cap, a team can’t create a Dream Team, even if Vince Young disagrees. Getting these players is a little more complex than money. The NFL gets great players by understanding what makes a player great early on and having an organization that has the fan base to truly show appreciation, investing in the organization, not just players, and a great staff. I'm talking about GM’s, player personnel, and scouts. By paying extra, teams will be able to hire staff who can find great players who play well within their system. There is also the feeling amongst players that their team truly cares about them by investing in the proper facilities. Look at the Bengals or the Jaguars. Mediocre facilities at best and crap for staff.

Coaches:

While a Coach can be extremely important, a coach cannot when a championship without the players to do so, while the players can win without a decent coach. The Heat or the Yankees need a good coach, but really, they could win with a Psychologist who can keep their all-stars in line. The few exceptions currently in sports are Bill Belichick and Mike Krzyzewski. They are truly more important than their players. Coach K’s Duke Blue Devils always compete for a national championship with a team that consists of players who are not good enough for the NBA. With Bill Belichick, there are always teams that contain more pro bowlers, but few of these teams stay consistently on top of their division or conference. Why these teams win is their coaches utilize the players to the best of their abilities and alter their schemes in order to accommodate the players’ skill sets. A bad coach tries to make their players fit their team while a good coach does the opposite. This also keeps players happy, going back to my first point.

So while I enjoyed my Wizards game, I could only do so since I in no way cared if they won or lost. I am therefore not the kind of person their franchise wants to attract but there I was, observing the game like a wedding crasher during the nuptials. And until they address the above points the Wizards, like most other small-market teams, will have to settle for being a firehall wedding attended mostly by crashers looking for a quick meal and some fired-up dance music.

- Kyle

Man's Ambitions in 2011 -A recap, Part 1

As we close the books on 2011, it is with exhaustion and humility that we look back on what turned out to be yet another tumultuous year (and after we all vowed this would be better than 2010). 

In no way is this supposed to be an all-inconclusive list but here are a few random things that defined the last 12 months as we strive to make 2012 a little less of a clusterfuck than the currently-ending, brilliant year of our lord 2011:

WINNING: In January 2011 Charlie Sheen left the set of TWO AND A HALF MEN in this middle of the peak of his most winning moments, sending the season into hiatus. The next month his trash-talking to everybody from producer Chuck Lorre to Warners. They banned him from the lot and he returned by asking for a 50% raise on top of the $1.8 Million an episode he was already being paid. Sheen was dropped, Ashton took his place, and now good old Chuckie is apologizing to everybody, has lost his “goddesses” and his psychotic episode has been channeled into one basic cable celebrity roast. Hey, at least he’s doing better than MAJOR LEAGUE co-star Wesley Snipes, who spent 2011 behind bars for tax evasion.

RODGERS THE DOGER: On February 6, 2011 Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings came together to take down the Steelers, led by accused-rapist Big Ben Roethlisberger, in Super Bowl XLV. Not only did this bestow on Rodgers an honor that one-time Green Bay demi-god Brett Favre never received – Super Bowl MVP – but it set them up for a 2011 season in which not only have they only lost one game but also in which Aaron Rodgers has established himself as the best quarterback in the game right now.

CAIRO, CITY OF THE LIVING: In February, Hosni Mubarak, head of Egypt’s democratic-ish government for 2 decades, stepped down amid protests of his corrupt regime and following his vicious attacks on said protestors. This placed Egypt into a military-ruled police state which gave way to the currently unstable government of “what the fuck?” Protests are still going on and, most in-keeping with modern times the biggest weapon utilized by the protestors were their Facebook and Twitter pages, which kept the world and fellow protestors abreast of their ideals, travails, and beatings.

FIGHTING AND TALKING: The 83^rd Academy Awards were hosted by James Franco trying to pretend he’s cool, stoned, and aloof as well as Anne Hathaway trying (and failing) to hide how neurotic she is. Top winners were KING’S SPEECH for Best Picture, KING’S SPEECH director Tom Hooper for best director, Colin Firth for Best Actor for his role as Prince Albert in KING’S SPEECH, Natalie Portman for her role as split-personality/masturbating enthusiast Nina Sayles in BLACK SWAN, best supporting to Christian Bale for mind-blowing performance Dicky Eklund in THE FIGHTER and Melissa Leo as his screeching white trash mom. And KING’S SPEECH and SOCIAL NETWORK won the screenplay statues.

BIG IN JAPAN: On March 11 a 9.0 magnitude shook offshore of Japan, sending in a tsunami that pulverized the small-but-powerful island country. Nearly 15,000 people died, 10 times as many as perished when Hurricane Katrina washed through New Orleans. Nuclear towers cracked, radioactive juices flowing everywhere as the super-monorails and hip funky techno-structures of the noble country ground to a Kurosawan halt.

LEAKY DICKS: WikiLeaks released the Guantanamo files in April, outlining all the Geneva-Convention-Violating extremes taken by the U.S. in its Guantanamo prisons and beyond, pissing off our government even more at this border between accountability and disclosing of national secrets.

MIDDLE-EASTERN HELL: As of April protests/uprisings were happening in Libya, Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Jordan, Oman, Saudi Arabia, and the Ivory Coast, mostly fueled by increased connectivity and a youth culture increasingly incensed at the corrupt leaders who’ve run their countries for years.

OBAMA DOES WHAT BUSH COULDN’T: April 29^th Obama oversaw the special forces mission that killed Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist who orchestrated the World Trade Center attacks whom Bush’s befuddled bastards couldn’t find, causing them to try and switch everybody’s attention to Iraq. Then he goes to the Correspondent dinner, Obama that is, and rips Donald Trump such a big tear in his asshole that the man all-but-quit politics that very day. Oh, and he showed his birth certificate. Big news for Obama all around.

ROYAL ASS: On April 29^th, Prince William marries Kate Middleton in a spectacle guaranteed to upstage even the most committed gypsy weddings. England erupts in crying and exultation of their beloved royalty and Kate’s sister, Pippa, shoots to the top of all men’s hot-girl lists due to her status as a royal-in-law, the ensuing wealth, and something which, just like royalty, only God can bestow upon humanity: a perfect ass.

FC FOOTBALL  CHAMPIONS: On May 28, also in London, Barcelona won the highest honor in Europe, the Champions League Final, led by Lionel Messi over British powerhouse Man U. This, Barcelona’s third such title in 6 years, also was heralded all over Spain as a celebration of the unification Catalan with the Castellanos.

BRUINS RUIN: The Bruins beat the Canucks in June, their first Stanley Cup championship since 1972. Massholes have yet another feather to put in their already-swollen awards caps.

MAVERICKS TAKE THE NAME BACK FROM PALIN: The Dallas Mavericks in June won their first ever NBA championship. Even better, it was over Lebron James who, after over-dramatizing his change of employer, choked with the Heat.

GREECE INVENTED DEMOCRACY AND HAS RESTED SINCE: The Greek financial crisis had been developing for about a year but came to a head in June, with Government officials resigning left and right amidst protests from citizens of the many budget cuts and unemployment thanks to the government’s 400 billion dollar debt, due in part because of their trust of American financial institutions (but also part and parcel with the country’s over-borrowing and weak in-country financial systems).

 (To be continued here)

Man's Ambition, Xmas Movie Style

With Christmas firmly upon us, I wanted to reflect on a man’s role in this most holy and commercially blest of holidays.

Suicides go up around the holidays, along with violent crimes and theft. A man feels the inability to take care of his family most heavily over the holidays, when their children are waiting for toys the man can’t afford, wondering why their dad can’t put up lights like the neighbors, are just barely getting their hunger quenched while inundated by pictures of happy, smiling (mostly white) families gathering around tables overloaded with turkey, potatoes, vegetables, wine, 4 types of pie, all that grandeur.

But let’s put that aside. The holidays are when we try to project the best of ourselves – we try to be more forgiving, more giving, a better father, better husband. This may decimate the men struggling for work, for money, especially in this economy. But hark, this struggle goes all the way up the chain. The difference is, when it’s about men of middle class and middle means, they have almost enough to make it perfect – and thus hilarity and drama ensue.

I’ll stop the holiday proselytizing here and get on with the point of this – the top 5 greatest movies about a man struggling over the holidays:

5. A CHRISTMAS STORY – A son struggling to get a gun while his father tries to balance strictness, good spirits, and a light-up leg lamp. The Christmas turkey even gets eaten by the dog, sending them to a Chinese restaurant. Classic.

4. IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE – A man’s company is bamboozled by his alcoholic uncle and the evil man in the wheelchair who runs the town so he decides to kill himself. The closest we can come to the plight of man’s struggle on this holiday without getting depressing – and it reduces all men to blubbering fools by the end, when we realize a man isn’t measure by money or gifts but by how many people whose lives he’s touched.

3. JINGLE ALL THE WAY – Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad fight over getting the best holiday toy. So bad it’s good but the lesson rings true – the living metaphor for man’s battle to get his family what they want.

2. WHITE CHRISTMAS – A man who led his men nobly in the last great war is running a struggling Vermont resort during a mild winter (a possible early harkening to Global Warming?). A few of his old soldiers who’ve now made it big show up in time to see the General struggle. They need to do everything to take care of the man and his family who led them so well. The last time the mainstream public respected military high command. A simpler and more romantic time.

1. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION – A father obsessed with the perfect Christmas struggles with keeping his cool as one disaster after the next plunges his perfect plans into chaos. As a son of a family that has mastered the perfect Christmas – and therefore a young man struggling with his own quest to realize such perfection in his young adult holidays – I understand Clark Griswold in this classic almost more than any other figure in cinema.

In the end, perhaps we have lost the humble beginnings of the holiday – a celebration of the birth of Christ enveloped around the older pagan celebration of the point at which the days will finally start getting longer and people can stop fasting to keep food stores till Spring (look it up). But I believe it has only taken that basic celebration and all of its virtues – kindness, good will, family and love – and aspired to elevate it to true greatness. Just like when we aspire to any great ideal, there will always be failures, often more than successes. But to get hung up on this failure is to judge an institution for the flaws of the people that make it up – and, honestly, nothing good will ever come of such ludicrous judgments. 

RUNNERS UP:

A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - A skeleton, tired of scaring, wants to give people the good vibes of Christmas he envies of Santa Claus - but quickly realizes it's much harder than it looks.

SCROOGED - Christmas Carol retold with Scrooge as a heartless TV exec. Witty, comical, and downright brilliant for a remake of a story that's been retold countless times in various forms.

Happy Holidays.

- Ryan

SUD of the Week: Who Knew Being a Clumsy Lying Cop Could End you in Jail?

SEEMINGLY UNIMPORTANT DECISION of the Week: Who Knew Being a Clumsy Lying Cop Could End you in Jail?

Stenroos, a clumsy idiot and a cowardly liar - god bless.

Last January, Jeffrey Stenroos, LA Unified School District police officer, claimed he’d been shot just outside a local school. This led to a massive 10-hour manhunt, 550 cops, choppers, dogs, the whole 9 yards. Schools were shut down, people were panicked. The total cost to the city and schools was around $400,000. Then Jeffrey’s story started breaking down. The sketch released, the details, all of it started to sound a bit fishy. Finally the 31-year-old glorified rent-a-cop admitted the ugly truth – he accidentally shot himself with his own gun and made up the whole story to cover for the embarrassment of it all.

Here it is, just another example of something that’s plagued man since the beginning of time but seems to be increasing in popularity ever since tricky Dick Nixon almost got away with it. It’s this wormy little weasel’s attitude of trying to cover up one’s fuck-ups instead of facing the truth, of acting like a little boy lying about how the lamp broke instead of being a man and admitting your weakness. Bet he sat in the hospital feeling ashamed but with every passing minute felt like he’d be okay. Maybe even cracked a beer, bragged to his buddies about it. Or just prayed that he’d get away with it, a criminal who cost the city almost half a million dollars because he was too cowardly and weak to admit he’s probably a shitty cop.

This last week he was sentenced to 5 years. It’s been reduced to 2 years but basically he’s an officer of the law looking at serving some hard time and being release without any viable job experience to speak of. He wasn’t even a street hustler, which could lead to a sales job, or an overly-abusive cop, which could at least get him a gig doing mall security. Nope, for his ineptitude and the lie he told to try and hide it, a certainly seemingly small lie that grew to a FUGITIVE-style manhunt, he’s going to prison without any hope of a decent foreseeable future.

So the lesson here, men – admit your mistakes. 90% of the big life-altering fuck-ups stem from men trying to cover up some bit of wrongdoing. ENRON. Watergate. The Catholic church’s pederast reputation. And now Jeffrey Stenroos can join that category of winners. I see it all the time in the agency world. People fucking up then trying to cover; sometimes they pass the buck, other times they play dumb, act as if an email never got to them, they never saw this movie deal, they read that script but just forgot to bring it up. But the thing is, the other person always knows. In America we’ve grown up exposed to so much bullshit we know when somebody’s just covering his own ass. So please, for the sake of your reputation and our sanity, just be a man, admit your failure, take the blame, punishment, embarrassment, whatever and leave it at that. Because with CSI shit, the Interweb, and a world full of Wikipedia-smartened cynics, it’s getting harder and harder to keep that skeleton in the closet.

- Ryan

A Season Finale to 2 Men's Ambitions - BOARDWALK EMPIRE and DEXTER

Fall is my favorite time for season finales. With cable now providing 90% of the quality programs on the tube, this is certainly the most wonderful time of the year.  But the two cable shows most driven by men’s desires wrapping up right now, and in my opinion the best, are BOARDWALK EMPIRE and DEXTER.

 BOARDWALK EMPIRE wrapped last weekend. Almost any comment I could give would ruin the absolutely unexpected twist at the end but at the least it proved this season’s slogan right: “Look behind you.”  The brilliance behind this series, something which few people pay attention to (mostly because the short attention spans of most viewers makes it nearly impossible) is its careful attention to character and plot development. And at the beginning of both seasons I had to listen to a chorus of whiners complaining about how slow it is, how boring, how it doesn’t catch their attention like the procedurals do. And at the end of both seasons I had to gloat about how mindblowing it was, how it’s possibly the best and most unpredictable show on TV. Last season was about Nucky Thompson running his town with an iron fist in the dawn of prohibition, a period that built up the mafia and the Kennedys, amongst others. This season the chips were down for Nucky and we got to see him come back, saw the wheeling and dealing, maneuvering and, in the final episode, the ruthlessness that put him where he is. 

He wavers back and forth between put-upon robber baron and soulless criminal and so there isn’t the line of right and wrong we’re used to. He shows the good and the bad of ambition and you leave the series not sure completely how you feel about Nucky. What’s the lesson I take from this season? That power corrupts if only because in gaining and attaining power, one must fight corrupt power-mongers and, as such, be ready to play their game. Power corrupts because the most corrupt will pursue it with a godlike ruthlessness.

 Now we have the DEXTER finale this Sunday. Every season Dexter has a theme and none were more obvious than this year’s tone – faith. It’s about Dexter’s questions of whether he believes in a God or not, whether his family is better with faith, whether it leads to true salvation or whether, like most other things in humanity, is just bullshit to mask the darkness that will never die in us. Dexter is another one of these brilliant morally ambiguous characters – he’s a serial killer but he only kills evil people who escaped by weaseling their way through the system. But never has ambiguity been better exemplified by the people around Dexter than this season, where religion is seen to be a blessing and an evil. This season DEXTER has looked into how Religious zeal can lead to the worst behavior imaginable, a direct reflection of the gay-bashing and sexual and civil-rights oppression espoused by conservatives with God as the excuse for their hate. But he also looks at how it can provide true salvation, meeting a former-killer who has overcome his demons through God.

Dexter is confused. He is like a robot for whom human emotions occasionally appear, surprising his frozen exterior with a warm humanity. And this season even more a viewer can’t help but side with him as he deals with the confusions both outside and inside him. What can we learn from watching a serial killer viewing the falseness of everyday relationships, banter, fake smiles and whatnot? How much bullshit plays a part in our lives and how our existence as social organisms is not only requisite, it is often proffered by false emotions and false expressions. A lot of depth for a semi-comical semi-procedural about a man who kills bad guys to satiate a sick hunger inside him. Again, must-see TV.

So this Sunday, get couched and watch the conclusion of an epic season – and if you haven’t seen it, catch up on Sho.com.

As for BOARDWALK, if you’re a fan of Scorcese, gangsters, and or booze-filled good times, I’d suggest making this a must-watch if it isn’t already. If you’re not a fan of all that stuff, then I wonder why you’re reading this blog.

-          Ryan