As we close the books on 2011, it is with exhaustion and humility that we look back on what turned out to be yet another tumultuous year (and after we all vowed this would be better than 2010).
In no way is this supposed to be an all-inconclusive list but here are a few random things that defined the last 12 months as we strive to make 2012 a little less of a clusterfuck than the currently-ending, brilliant year of our lord 2011:
WINNING: In January 2011 Charlie Sheen left the set of TWO AND A HALF MEN in this middle of the peak of his most winning moments, sending the season into hiatus. The next month his trash-talking to everybody from producer Chuck Lorre to Warners. They banned him from the lot and he returned by asking for a 50% raise on top of the $1.8 Million an episode he was already being paid. Sheen was dropped, Ashton took his place, and now good old Chuckie is apologizing to everybody, has lost his “goddesses” and his psychotic episode has been channeled into one basic cable celebrity roast. Hey, at least he’s doing better than MAJOR LEAGUE co-star Wesley Snipes, who spent 2011 behind bars for tax evasion.
RODGERS THE DOGER: On February 6, 2011 Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings came together to take down the Steelers, led by accused-rapist Big Ben Roethlisberger, in Super Bowl XLV. Not only did this bestow on Rodgers an honor that one-time Green Bay demi-god Brett Favre never received – Super Bowl MVP – but it set them up for a 2011 season in which not only have they only lost one game but also in which Aaron Rodgers has established himself as the best quarterback in the game right now.
CAIRO, CITY OF THE LIVING: In February, Hosni Mubarak, head of Egypt’s democratic-ish government for 2 decades, stepped down amid protests of his corrupt regime and following his vicious attacks on said protestors. This placed Egypt into a military-ruled police state which gave way to the currently unstable government of “what the fuck?” Protests are still going on and, most in-keeping with modern times the biggest weapon utilized by the protestors were their Facebook and Twitter pages, which kept the world and fellow protestors abreast of their ideals, travails, and beatings.
FIGHTING AND TALKING: The 83rd Academy Awards were hosted by James Franco trying to pretend he’s cool, stoned, and aloof as well as Anne Hathaway trying (and failing) to hide how neurotic she is. Top winners were KING’S SPEECH for Best Picture, KING’S SPEECH director Tom Hooper for best director, Colin Firth for Best Actor for his role as Prince Albert in KING’S SPEECH, Natalie Portman for her role as split-personality/masturbating enthusiast Nina Sayles in BLACK SWAN, best supporting to Christian Bale for mind-blowing performance Dicky Eklund in THE FIGHTER and Melissa Leo as his screeching white trash mom. And KING’S SPEECH and SOCIAL NETWORK won the screenplay statues.
BIG IN JAPAN: On March 11 a 9.0 magnitude shook offshore of Japan, sending in a tsunami that pulverized the small-but-powerful island country. Nearly 15,000 people died, 10 times as many as perished when Hurricane Katrina washed through New Orleans. Nuclear towers cracked, radioactive juices flowing everywhere as the super-monorails and hip funky techno-structures of the noble country ground to a Kurosawan halt.
LEAKY DICKS: WikiLeaks released the Guantanamo files in April, outlining all the Geneva-Convention-Violating extremes taken by the U.S. in its Guantanamo prisons and beyond, pissing off our government even more at this border between accountability and disclosing of national secrets.
MIDDLE-EASTERN HELL: As of April protests/uprisings were happening in Libya, Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Jordan, Oman, Saudi Arabia, and the Ivory Coast, mostly fueled by increased connectivity and a youth culture increasingly incensed at the corrupt leaders who’ve run their countries for years.
OBAMA DOES WHAT BUSH COULDN’T: April 29th Obama oversaw the special forces mission that killed Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist who orchestrated the World Trade Center attacks whom Bush’s befuddled bastards couldn’t find, causing them to try and switch everybody’s attention to Iraq. Then he goes to the Correspondent dinner, Obama that is, and rips Donald Trump such a big tear in his asshole that the man all-but-quit politics that very day. Oh, and he showed his birth certificate. Big news for Obama all around.
ROYAL ASS: On April 29th, Prince William marries Kate Middleton in a spectacle guaranteed to upstage even the most committed gypsy weddings. England erupts in crying and exultation of their beloved royalty and Kate’s sister, Pippa, shoots to the top of all men’s hot-girl lists due to her status as a royal-in-law, the ensuing wealth, and something which, just like royalty, only God can bestow upon humanity: a perfect ass.
FC FOOTBALL CHAMPIONS: On May 28, also in London, Barcelona won the highest honor in Europe, the Champions League Final, led by Lionel Messi over British powerhouse Man U. This, Barcelona’s third such title in 6 years, also was heralded all over Spain as a celebration of the unification Catalan with the Castellanos.
BRUINS RUIN: The Bruins beat the Canucks in June, their first Stanley Cup championship since 1972. Massholes have yet another feather to put in their already-swollen awards caps.
MAVERICKS TAKE THE NAME BACK FROM PALIN: The Dallas Mavericks in June won their first ever NBA championship. Even better, it was over Lebron James who, after over-dramatizing his change of employer, choked with the Heat.
GREECE INVENTED DEMOCRACY AND HAS RESTED SINCE: The Greek financial crisis had been developing for about a year but came to a head in June, with Government officials resigning left and right amidst protests from citizens of the many budget cuts and unemployment thanks to the government’s 400 billion dollar debt, due in part because of their trust of American financial institutions (but also part and parcel with the country’s over-borrowing and weak in-country financial systems).
(To be continued here)
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