There was the Deepwater Horizon fiasco which is directly linked to BP and oil money, not trying to politicize that but a concrete plug was put in place by Halliburton which, if not a direct member of the right wing is certainly an appendage of former VP and current Sith Lord Dick Cheney. Even more, if these guys can't be trusted to fix an oil rig, how did they win so many no-bid contracts to build the infrastructure of the Iraq war? Oh, right. Also, it's an interesting fact that it was Bain Capital (though after Romney had "ceded control" so he could run Massachusetts) who had met with BP and advised them to cut costs including a slashing of some environmental safety and maintenance standards, similar to a country cutting its funding for social programs designed to maintain safety and health of its most at-risk citizens. Again, there is no direct correlation here between Romney and the Deepwater Horizon - to claim such would be as ridiculous as saying that the current state of the economy is a result of the government having too much regulation when actually it's a result of the deregulation of the finance industry from which, in fact, Romney and Bain benefitted.
Then there's of course Hurricane Katrina, whose 7-year-anniversary is coming up on Wednesday, appropriately enough just when Hurricane Isaac will be hitting land. Which makes one wonder what the fuck they could be thinking scheduling this convention at that time and that place. Katrina flooded New Orleans why? Because the Federal Government didn't want to spend money fixing things the Corps of Engineers had told them needed fixing because it would cost too much (why is that familiar?). And then there was the weak response, "Heckuva job Brownie" but why was Brownie so bad? Oh right, because his previous job before getting placed as the head of FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security was heading the International Arabian Horse Federation. And why was FEMA so unprepared? Right, because we shifted all its money to fighting terrorism though DHS had no major anti-terrorist victories until Obama came through with a new way of fighting wars. Even more, it's one of the many visceral fuck-ups that defined not only W.'s White House but the GOP in general, leading to their sweeping defeat in '07/'08
But anyway, now we're going into a Republican Convention that has the potential to be a Wes Anderson satire. Seriously, is anybody else as excited for this as I am?
Let's just look at the factors:
1. Mittens Romney, a Mormon (and people were worried about electing a Cathlic with Kennedy), who made his money running a company in the industry currently blamed for ruining the world economy, with the face of the bad guy jock in a John Hughes movie and the personality of a mechanized mannequin, will be crowned the GOP nominee.
2. Paul Ryan will be his running mate - a Catholic (not helping the evangelical powerhouses) who presents more of the same bland whiteness, has already publicly had his balls cut off by Romney's people for everything from his stance on military spending to his support of the auto bailout. Not to mention what outsiders did when they saw his dangerously loony new "balanced" budget. We could give him some precocious intelligence that makes him sick with all the bullshit he has to swallow to take on his role - a stretch, admittedly, but it's necessary for the Wes Anderson pitch.
3. Rape. And women in general. First we heard about Senator Akin's "legitimate rape" as he spouted some magical defense mechanism the female body has to shut down her reproductive capabilities in the case of rape - apparently Akin never saw PRECIOUS. But then there's Paul Ryan's claim that, as he's firmly anti-abortion, rape is "just another method of conception." Add this to the fact that Mrs. Romney once gave some money to Planned Parenthood (from knowing a few people who've gone there, that about the cost of a Planned Parenthood abortion, I think...) and that she claims to not remember why she gave it. On the other side it was revealed in an interview that she and her husband disagree on some issues. This is not only a personal problem in a faith in which women are seen as second class citizens (Mormonism) and as such are not allowed to disagree with their husbands but in general this could be a presidential problem with all the shit flying about the Republican war on women. Good luck with that.
So what we have here is one helluva dinner table conversation in which Mitt, Paul, Ann, and maybe even Akin, over a meal of grilled Florida wahoo and gater jerky, try to hammer out what the government can say about women's reproductive organs and how to minimize fallout.
4. Ron Paul - like the crazy uncle Mom and Dad are worried about but the kids love to see because he makes a crack in the parents' flawless veneer, Ron Paul and his delegates are sure to ruin the modern lie both parties have espoused, that America is best aided by encouraging uniformity in message and purpose within party lines instead of encouraging debate and discourse. I see him as Gene Hackman in TENENBAUMS but more respectable.
They keep trying to pull the conversations back to Obama and the current economy. Ignore how economic indicators take years to catch up to any moves and, even more we must avoid how widespread financial speculation committed by hedge funds and securities brokers, thanks to increased Government Deregulation, is what actually put us into this situation. They also try to point to how he's pulling back on defense spending, opening things up for the terrorists and trying to ignore his record on that front.
So the debate rages, cracks start to show, Religious Right fights with Social liberals and Financiers fight with heartlanders and the Tea Partiers fight with everybody. Ron Paul roars and reminds the few non-zombies left in the party that, in fact, this is a clusterfuck and they should be embarrassed so all the brains walk out to start a third party that just might win the next election. Paul Ryan gets tired of feeling like Robin and Romney, tired of pretending he likes anybody who's not an upper class white man, says something along the lines of "those blacks need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, just like the great prophet Joseph smith said" or "poor people are just as happy as I am - in fact, I wish I was poor, then I wouldn't have to shoulder the responsibility of bringing together the gays, the religious right, the Mexicans, middle American farmers and financial sharks. And those Tea Partiers - woo, who knows what they want." Maybe one of the Romney kids discovers he's gay, a sin as a Mormon and as a Republican, and tries to commit suicide, Wes Anderson always has attempted suicide in his movies. And just as Ann Romney runs out on her husband after discovering the Planned Parenthood slip was for an abortion for his mistress (added to the script just to make it interesting, dramatization what it is), the storm hits. Power goes out and everybody has to fight the disaster together to survive, learning a few things along the way and emerging a more solid political party. Though the GOP loses by a landslide and fades into history, with the Whigs, the No-Nothings, and the Federalists.
I for one can't wait.
- Ryan
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