How A Simple Pill or Cream Can Make You into a Real Man

As you all know, a running theme through Man's Ambition is the softening of the modern American male. I rant about whiners and weaklings, mock the cowardly and hypocritical (hypocrisy is really just cowardice - either somebody's saying something they don't believe or acting contrary to what they know to be right), and poo poo every square pop running around trying to hide the harshness of reality from their childrens' overprivileged American ears. But all you need to do is look around at the dandification of the modern male and listen to the complaints coming from the guy in the next cubicle over about the violence in football and it's all too obvious - we're softer. Our grandfathers, who gave up eating during the depression and then stormed Normandy with heavy old rifles and metal helmets and felt privileged to do it, would beat our whiny asses if the old men weren't so riddled by ailments or dead. But there's hope. It turns out all of our problems come down to one simple thing - lack of testosterone. And companies are lining up to sell it to us.

Yup, we've all heard it by now. Science has proven that neanderthal man could run up to 45 MPH based on a mud-print they found and, hell, you know how strong you'd have to be to take down a wooly mammoth? Roman Legionnaires ran a marathon and a half daily, and with all that heavy ass gear to boot. Just think about men rowing across whole seas in old MEditerranean days. I could go on and on but just watch 300 and say it out loud - we've gotten weaker with every generation. It's obvious. And when you read sites like this one about the 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN (which is just one of hundreds of similar sites) you can't help but believe that the strength of our ancestors, success in the world, and the gates of heaven will all be at your disposal just by taking either straight up testosterone or supplements thought to rebuild testosterone naturally.

Hell, studies have shown that higher testosterone can get you laid, help you live longer, and be happier.  So shit, why don't we all just start poppin' T like multi-vitamins and bugger our wives, girlfriends, and mistresses while single-handedly beating Wall Street?

Because, sadly, it's more bullshit. All these theories about how higher testosterone will make you a better businessman, more successful, can be very easily struck down with 3 names - Sumner Redstone, Warren Buffett, and Bill Gates. Sumner Redstone probably hasn't had an erection since the 90's, a sign most people would say proves he's out of testosterone but still that motherfucker runs Viacom, one of the largest media empires in the world, with an iron fist.

Buffett made himself into arguably the most successful Wall Street man ever out of being smarter and often more conservative than all the Manhattan playboys swaggering around and placing massively risky bets (risk-taking is considered an up side to having more testosterone). And Bill Gates - c'mon, my wife could probably beat HIM at arm wrestling.

Here's another look at it. Living in Jackson, I'm surrounded by men who climb mountains and skin up and then ski down through miles of empty national park snow every day. Chop, carry, and then burn wood for warmth. Probably per capita the best athletes of almost any U.S. city. I can almost guarantee you that if you compared their testosterone levels with those of captains of industry, the mountain men would win every time. But I wouldn't necessarily trust them to run a Fortune 500.

Not to put down one side or the other but there's so many other factors that come into play that, sadly, this whole testosterone craze is little more than old-fashioned hucksterism dressed up as modern science, with freakishly muscled 60-somethings as poster boys to lead the way.

The truth is we've become weaker because years ago our brains surpassed our brawn and we realized we could live just as well or better and work half as hard. This testosterone craze can be traced in large part to a book called MANTHROPOLOGY - THE SCIENCE OF THE INADEQUATE MALE. Thing is, a lot of people missed the point (let's be honest, most of 'em never read the damn thing) and instead of addressing the harder issues of how to reverse the sedentary nature of our modern lives, they started prescribing testosterone creams and pills to fight everything from erectile dysfunction to baldness (though I once read baldness was a sign of too much testosterone?).

What they don't realize is that just taking testosterone supplements and going about our normal lives is like putting jet fuel in a broken down clunker. It leads to all sorts of blood and heart problems, not to mention cancer, violent outbursts, all sorts of issues.

The sad truth is, fellas, there's no easy fix. Our bodies have adapted to the soft comfortable life we've espoused, with the sign of manliness now measured by the money in our accounts instead of how many enemies or animals we've killed with spears and swords. So the only thing left to do is to try and return to the tough lives our ancestors lived. Not to say industry should grind to a halt and we should all become hunter gatherers. But exercising every day is a good start.

Then get out of your comfort zone. More than once a year (this is pointed at all you who once a year take a long weekend at Aspen skiing intermediate groomed slopes at a comfortable pace and consider yourselves outdoorsmen). Take up new, dangerous, and tough hobbies that scare you a little. After the Rainier climb I felt more virile, stronger, and confident than I'd felt in years. So much that I changed my whole life to live somewhere that I can pursue such feats daily.

Next time you're sitting on your couch, watching BRAVEHEART and his boys fuck shit up make a decision to get off your ass, go run through a hilly, rainy countryside in cheap cloth "boots", and maybe chuck a few spears for good measure.

Maybe that's not a real option but the point's this - it's time to take action. Instill in yourselves and, if and when you have them, your children a desire for striving, for danger and testing of physical and mental capabilities. Don't ever take elevators, especially not for a couple floors (sure a meeting on the 44th floor might not go so well if you're sweating through your suit after the climb, though still if the Romans could run a marathon and a half a day in full armor...) Instill an appreciation for the simple art of survival which is rapidly eroding from society (when I lived in L.A. I always wondered how most of the men would do if the big one did hit and their cellphones, credit cars, and fast cars were rendered useless - would they know how to find water, food, build shelter, make a fire?).

Otherwise, someday we might find ourselves staring at weasley grandkids who complain about the hardship of occasionally walking up stairs. And damn that would be a shame.

- Ryan