SUD OF THE WEEK: How Chris Brown becomes Ike Turner

That Crazy Kid Chris Brown Just Can’t stay out of Trouble

I knew of a kid in high school who went to our rival institute of learning named Chris Brown. He was a lanky white kid with southern inclinations (as is the fashion in Baltimore prep) and I knew little about him other than the fact that he got kicked out of said school for a racist remark he uttered to a black girl at a school dance. It was a scandal at the time, I remember. And when Chris Brown the singer blew up, that was the first image that flashed through my head. A little punk embroiled in scandal for doing something so fucking stupid I couldn’t imagine what the motivation behind it was.

 Ahh, Chris Brown. Remember a few years ago, when everybody was saying he was the next Michael Jackson? The world was his oyster, gobs of adoring fans, movie deals, hit records and hot moves, not to mention his gorgeous drop of heaven pop star girlfriend.

 Then he became the next Ike Turner in one night of what must have been – actually, you know what, nothing justifies hitting a woman (unless she’s a ninja and you’re fighting for your life). Especially a hot little number like Rihanna.

So Chris Brown cools down for a little. Lays low. Makes some music but ain’t poppin’ bottles at the club. Slowly rebuilds his reputation, if only through a solid work ethic and undeniable talent. Wins a few awards. Rihanna even admitted she liked his music. Just recently he recorded two duets WITH Rihanna, in spite of the fact that his whole downfall was the result of his making her look like Rocky after his first fight with Apollo Creed.

And there are rumors that she might be reconciling with Chris now. I mean shit, she need only look at that picture above to remind her why not but, hey, if Rihanna can accept him back, maybe the rest of us can too, right?

So now Brown’s got a second chance, really looking like maybe he’ll be able to pull a Michael Vick and get suburban white folks cheering for him again in spite of his depravity.

But no, dumb ass has gone and got himself a possible 3rd degree felony “robbery by sudden snatching” charge.

Crystal Spann

Yes, to a certain extent this time it’s kinda not his fault. Brown was leaving a club with Tyga and a couple hardbodies, climbing into his Bentley  when Crystal Fanne Spann (yes, real name), no doubt feeling no compunction about her paparazzi-esque voyeurism, went to snap a picture on her iPhone. Brown grabbed the phone, yelling “Bitch, this isn’t gonna show up on the internet,” and they sped off. Well Crystal is pressing charges.

As Tyga said, Chris is trying to get back with Rihanna, last thing he needs are pictures showing up on the web of him with a couple groupies looking to party. And seriously, it IS absurd that the people who provide us with the art that serves as the soundtrack to our lives or who entertain us when we need to escape or feel or whatever drives you to the movies, it’s absurd that those people can’t go out and roll some slims without some 24-year-old girl popping up with her camera phone to make the TMZ roll call. Like Kate Moss who can’t fire down lines anymore because some jerk took camerapictures or Michael Phelps who can’t relax and take one goddamn bong rip because some asshole thought it would be cool to snap a quick cell pic. There should be a law against these revealing pictures as they are an invasion of space and privacy and without journalism credits this could be seen as infringement. In fact, Brown’s attorney is saying that the picture, on Crystal’s iPhone, is Chris’ property and as long as he was planning on returning the phone it’s not a felony, he was merely trying to make sure his intellectual image rights were not infringed upon.

 THAT. BEING. SAID. Dude. Chris. That’s just stupid. You’re on probation. You were staging a comeback. Why the fuck couldn’t you have just took it easy one night? You’re a public figure, you wanna roll some slims go out the back door. Or have your boy take the girls out and meet them a few minutes later. But going to the strip in South Beach and walking out with some slores is just asking for people to snap your ass. And then to take a woman’s cell phone – a $400 dollar phone at that – you were not only blowing up your scene more, you’re stealing.

This could have been avoided. The Seemingly Unimportant Decision of the week: Going back to your crazy hip hop lifestyle when you still aren’t done paying for your mistakes from the last time. This seems to be a general theme, from T.I. going in and out of prison’s revolving door to SugeKnight getting arrested (albeit for weed), motherfuckers need to keep their noses clean.

Chris Brown, you have talent and a platform that most people would kill for. Don’t throw it away because of your ego. Don’t think you can go around rollin’ slims when Rihanna’s away without paying the consequences. Don’t go to the clubs if you seemingly get angry and do bad things (beating women, stealing iPhones) when under the influence of booze and the scene. And don’t take something that isn’t yours.

Ike Turner was consider a lluminary. At one point one of the best producers in the game. And know how he's gonna be remembered for the rest of eternity? As the man who beat the shit outta his wife Tina Turner. An angry, abusive prick and no amount of musical acumen was able to ever bring him back once he'd shown this violent side. You beat your girl and somehow you've still got a second chance. And yet first thing when all's goin' good you steal an iPhone from some amateur paparazzo?

Pull your head out of your ass, kid. Because you only get so many chances. And then you end up like these guys.

- Ryan