The Man, The Myth, The Beard: A Guide for NBA Players to Facial Hair

So while watching the NBA playoffs, I made a few observations. Lebron is playing as hard as a human can play, The Thunder were not tough enough yet and need some sort of badass in the paint, no one in the NBA can afford lenses for their glasses, and there was some solid facial hair creeping onto the court. 

Seeing how they don't have lenses, are they even called glasses? 

Anyway, instead of focusing on the most important function of the sport I've decided that the theme of this article should be athletes and legends with the weirdest facial hair. James Harden and Lebron have done a solid job of representing what it means to be a man, but who in the past paved the way of hairy-faced mandom? Also, does anyone know what Lebron is actually going for? He seems like he wakes up every morning confused on whether he wants a chin strap or a beard. I think he should hold another “Decision” event where he decides on what he does with that beard strap. Let’s look back at the famous people in history who perfected their facial grooming skills.

 Jesus (Holy Beard)-The son of God can make water into wine, magically increase the amount of food, died for our sins, and is able to rise from the dead. I mean, that’s kind of cool, I guess. So what did he achieve? Oh, I don’t know. Divine intervention and maybe becoming the most famous person in history. At the least he was the first zombie.

 

Edward Teach (Pirate Beard)- Blackbeard the Pirate, as he also went by, commanded a small fleet of well-armed ships and intimidated his victims by his mere looks (occasionally lighting his beard like it was a jumble of fuses). Also, according to the newest Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which is 100% based on facts, he can control the ropes on his ship using his magic sword. He has one of the most infamous flags of all time.

 Rollie Fingers (Handlebar Mustache with both sides curled up) - He modernized relief pitching. In '92, he was only the second reliever ever to be elected for the HOF and one of few players to have his number retired by more than 1 club. His name is synonymous with the curled up stache. 

 Brian Wilson (Emo Beard)-Super diverse group of pitches consisting of a four-seam fastball, cutter, slider, and two-seam sinking fastball. He is a 3x all-star, 2010 NL Saves Champion, and a World Series Champion. He also just doesn't give a shit.

 Brett Keisel (Mountain man Beard)- This Defensive of End for the Pittsburgh Steelers has beast strength and quickness. He's a 2x super bowl champion, made it to the pro bowl in 2010, and 3x AFC champion. After he retires, he should easily be able to find a job as a lumberjack.

 Hulk Hogan (Ultimate Blonde Fu Manchu)- He would pummel his opponents into submission and occasionally act in movies so terribly that you become mesmerized. He also had the mutant ability to “Hulk UP” which made him impervious to pain.

 Bill Walton (Hippie Beard)- The “Big Red-Head” has the keen ability to grow peyote as well as dominate near the hoop. This 6’ 11” hippie played on what is possibly the greatest college basketball team in history, won an NBA MVP, and won 2 NBA Championships. I’ll smoke to that.

 Eddie Murray (The Sideburns to Mustache look)- Ok, so his sideburns never fully wrapped around to his mustache, but it comes damn close. He was known as one of the most productive and reliable hitters on what used to be a power house team called the Orioles. He’s an 8x all-star, 3x golden glove winner, World Series Champion, 1977 AL Rookie of the year, Hall of Famer, and one hell of a model American. 

 St. Nicholas (White Magic Beard)- Also known as Santa Claus (or, above, Santa Clause), he has the ability to deliver presents around the world in one night. He's also considered to be the most skilled burglar of all time and has an army of little people at his disposal, like the Wizard of Oz.

 Salvador Dali (Surrealist Handlebar)- This prominent Spanish painter's paintings have the ability to make you think you ate mushrooms while staring at them. His most famous paintings include The Persistence of Memory, Swans Reflecting Elephants, the Temptation of St. Anthony, and Ballerina in a Death’s Head. He was truly one of the most deranged and genius artists.

 Yosemite Sam (Fu Manchu to Eyebrows Beard)- This gun-toting Looney Toon has a quick temper and an even faster draw. With the assistance of his mini horse, he would have dominated the battle of the O.K. Corral. Or at least Tiny Town. He would've definitely given Sharon Stone a run for her money in The Quick and the Dead.

 Tom Selleck (Grown Ass Man-Stache)-Ok, so there's nothing special about his mustache. But who else has been so famous as a hunk for what grows on his face? This dude might have the sexiest stache in history. This actor’s facial hair screams "fuck you" to metrosexuals but "fuck me" to every hot chick within eyesight.

 Hitler (Evil Mustache)- This man was one terrible human being, and thus what appears to be an oil smudge is actually a small mustache of hate. He's responsible for the grotesque mass genocide of Jews known as the Holocaust and starting a World War. It’s probably good that he tarnished this look because, honestly, it’s not good anyway. Even on Michael Jordan.

 Chuck Norris (Ass Kicking Fire Beard)- Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet. Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number; you answer the wrong phone. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only Sign Language. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris' beard is Razorwire, soaked in Oxen Blood and held together by the souls of mortals. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 

 Charles Darwin (The Beard of Science)- Mr. Evolution found the missing link and it's actually himself. 

 Joe Flacco (Playoff Fu Manchu)- The QB for the Baltimore Ravens has been to the playoffs every year he's been in the league and even grew one helluva fu Manchu on his road to the AFC Championship last year. He's considered one of the top 100 players in the league.

 

Kevin Ferguson-Kimbo Slice (Brawler Beard)- Originally known as a web sensation for dominating street fights, he switched up his focus on becoming a pro. Although he hasn't had a great UFC career, I can safely that I am 100% afraid of him. 

 Abraham Lincoln (The Presidential chinstrap)- The 16^th President led our nation through its only Civil War, abolished slavery, and gave what is one the most quoted speeches in American History (Gettysburg Address). Apparently, he also had a knack for killing Vampires. 

 ZZ Top (Badass Musician Beards)- Their long beards have been crushing the music industry for ages. Fun Fact: Their drummer who doesn't have beard has the last name "Beard".

 Pai Mei (Kung Fu Beard)- He was considered he best Kung Fu master in the world until he was poisoned by a bitch of an apprentice. He's best known for his three inch punch and the fatal movement the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Before training the Bride he was in epic fights involving the Wu-Tang, the Shaolin, the White Lotus. As one of the legendary elders of Shaolin, he must have used a solid conditioner to keep that old ass beard of his so silky.

Captain Jack Sparrow (Double Braided Beard)- This man of many words had the quickness to escape zombies, skeletons, Human Shellfish, The Kraken, purgatory, the English, and the Spanish. All while rum drunk and walking around like Keith Richards.  

 

Katie Holmes-(Human Beard)- Sorry Katie, but come on - Tom Cruise straight?

Honorable Mention – Badamsinh Juwansinh Gurjar, Gene Shalit, Charlie Chaplin, Teddy Roosevelt, Sam Elliot, Brigham Young, Kenny Rogers, Satan, Zach Galifianakis, Nick Mangold, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Zavada, JaysonWerth, Johnny Damon, Walt Frazier, Lanny McDonald, Sean William Scott, AlexiLalas, Jeff Bagwell, Joe Namath, Ryan Ariano

- Kyle