Visions of London: Olympic Events You Know Nothing About, Week 6 (HandBall, an Underdog Story Edition)

Don’t you worry. Coming up is the pinnacle of the handball world. Apparently this is a top sport in the Olympic games but surfing isn't even in the schedule? While I resided in Barcelona, I had an opportunity to watch a few matches on TV since the only thing I could understand were sports due to being lost in translation. It looks fucking easy. In this hybrid of water polo and Futsal (A version of indoor soccer with no walls and a heavier ball) essentially you get to run around with a ball and throw it in a goal. It also contains a sprinkle of basketball, as there is some minor dribbling but still. At least in water polo you have to tread water AND protect and shoot a ball while the opposition is (not) intentionally trying to drown the offensive player. Also, have you ever tread water for an unnecessary amount of time? It’s damn painful. And in Futsal, controlling something with your feet necessitates way more skill and coordination than your hands.

Some background: this sport first appeared in the 1936 Berlin Games and has somehow managed to continue its streak, although it changed to the modern style indoor game in the ‘76 Montreal Games. Usually Denmark, Korea, and Yugoslavia dominate for the women, while the men’s top teams are Russia, Yugoslavia, and Sweden. There are 14 players per team, 7 starters and 7 subs, and it's played on the largest indoor court of any of the games. Like in most sports, the goalie has free range when not in possession, but unlike most, you cannot pass it back to this individual when he/she is in the goal area.


The teams who've qualified for this year’s games are listed below. As you can tell, once again the US has a very poor showing. Imagine if the US’ top athletes played this sport? Michael Vick’s quickness and canon for an arm would be the world’s leading scorer and there is no one in the world who would score on Lebron James. What about Hope Solo holding down the goal and Jenna Finch tossing that ball for the women’s team?

The London 2012 Handball draw

Men: Group A

France
Sweden
Iceland
Great Britain
Argentina
Tunisia

Men: Group B

Spain
Croatia
Hungary
Serbia
Denmark
Korea

Women: Group A

Montenegro
Russia
Croatia
Great Britain
Brazil
Angola

Women: Group B

Norway
Spain
Denmark
France
Sweden
Korea

 

 

Now, if you're gainfully unemployed and tired of watching porn, you can check out the schedule here.

 

Men’s

Mikkel Hansen-Denmark-So now who's the best handball player in the world? Seriously, does anyone know? The 2011 male player of the world is Mikkell Hansen from Denmark. This 24-year-old, nicknamed “the hammer”, is known for scoring a shit load of goals with his powerful hammer shot. The world finally saw his impressive hammer toss at the Olympics in Beijing when Hansen hit the back of the net from more than ten meters with a direct free throw after the final whistle right into the triangle of the Russian goal. Also, he might have the best theme song, as MC Hammer’s “U Can’t touch This” blares over the speakers after each goal he scores. Touché, sir, touché. So after a lot of thought, Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball came to a close second, but with that nickname and a similarly Scandinavian look, I must say that he is the Thor of the Olympics. Thor throws an actual hammer with full power. 

 

Women's

 

Heidi Loke-Norway- Ok, this Norway sensation was the 2011 IHF player of the year. She was the Norwegian cup winner and helped lead her club to the Champions League title. Now what character can toss a ball like her? Christine Taylor’s Character from Dodgeball who was also an integral member of Average Joe’s Tournament run. Congrats all around.

 

Seriously, though, why is surfing not an Olympic sport?

 

- Kyle