As summer ends, and accordingly so too does another blockbuster season, I'm left with a festering fear that has been brewing for a couple years now: nobody knows how to create a character anymore.
It's been a standard lament the last few years that Hollywood has run out of ideas, is resorting to an overflow of remakes, adaptations, and sequels/prequels (did TOTAL RECALL really need a redo? And have you heard this rot that they're trying to do a sequel/prequel to RAGING BULL? God help us). Now isn't the time for me to echo sentiments that Hollywood has grown conservative with the movies it greenlights, that development execs have lost all ability, seemingly, to push forward unique, dynamic projects seeing as that's already been hollered ad infinitum. All I'm gonna talk about is that yet another big studio picture season has passed with a massive glaring hole: no new characters have exploded upon the scene and taken over the zeitgeist.
Come to think about it, we haven't gotten a new cinematic character since Captain Jack Sparrow. Since then it's been mostly a parade of old characters reborn or leading characters who are, at best, simply an extension of those coming before and any of the nameless "hero's journey" puppets. While there are some great stories sneaking through the cracks of the Hollywood factory, there are very few new memorable people. And if there are, they're more just a talented actor or actress, that is people refer to "Zach Galiafanakis' character from THE HANGOVER," not "Alan."
As such, I was watching BEVERLY HILLS COP the other day, lamenting the fact that there just is no modern day Axel Foley. Which led me to wondering what woulda happened if they made a movie where Axel Foley teamed up with Chevy Chase's Fletch. Which brought about an idea that might just help Hollywood get over their current remake hump. That is, don't simply recast characters from classics; no, if you're gonna rehash old shit, at least put together some AVENGERS-esque combos, bringing us team-ups we always wish we coulda seen. I'm not gonna include characters taken from reality, books or TV shows because that's cheating to give the movie people credit for creating them in the first place (sorry JAMES BOND, ROBIN HOOD, LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, and all the comic book characters). And if given the whole of cinematic history then suddenly it's overwhelming - BLUTO BLUTARSKY from "ANIMAL HOUSE" with FRANK THE TANK from "OLD SCHOOL" or RICK from "CASABLANCA" with HAN SOLO, for example - shit you could do STAR WARS combos all day. Which brings me to this TEN 80'S AND 90'S MOVIE TEAM-UPS I WANT TO SEE. Enough of you check it out, maybe we'll have to revisit it with more instant classic combos.
10. CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW and CAPTAIN RON in CARIBBEAN HEAT
Yes, I'm starting off cheating, Sparrow is from 2003. But these men are both personal life heroes of mine. Captain Jack is good with his trickery, his whores, and his rum drinking. Captain Ron knows where the parties are and could help Sparrow get used to the modern Caribe. Together they go searching for the legendary treasure of the galleon Puta Madre. Along the way they encounter Haitian zombies, narcotraficantes, and one enterprising whore named Santa Maria who's just as handy with a gun as with her ample... wits.
9. UNCLE BUCK and THE DUDE in RITUAL KILLINGS, GUNS, AND BOWLING
Uncle Buck is loveable, a bit of a con man but mostly harmless. The dude is a slacker, perhaps not the best person to rely upon in a jam but he's loyal and all in all he's a good guy. Their shared love of bowling leads them to a long-lasting friendship when Buck replaces Donny on their bowling team. When Walter's arrested for illegal gun-running, Buck's talking and the Dude's creative resilience are needed to spring Sobchak out of jail and take down the low level crime boss scumbag framing him.
8. AUSTIN POWERS and SHAFT in BLACK OPS
The swingingest spy from the 60's meets the swingingest detective from the 70's (yes, Shaft is another cheat but I'll chalk it up to Equal Opportunity employment). Shaft relies on his toughness and occasionally a big gun while Austin relies on his gun and a judo chop. But when some hot pussy makes its way across their path, watch the fur fly. When Austin traces Dr. Evil to the Bronx, he runs into John Shaft who's tracing the violent heron trade up the chain to who else but - Dr. Evil. In a flurry of mojo and hand to hand combat, Shaft and Powers show the world that it takes a real player to bring justice.
7. JOHN MCCLANE and NEO in ZION'S ON FIRE
One's an old school tough guy who can shoot a gun and take a beating but can't use a computer. The other is a computer nerd whose brains make him superpowerful in the Matrix but outside he's just a geek in a ratty old shirt. One says "Yippy ki ay motherfucker" The other says "Whoa." But when war with the robots erupts in the real world of Zion, Neo has to free the world's last real tough guy, John McLean, to help the geeks fight war in the real world. Between McLean's smart-ass comebacks and Neo's all-around smarts, they launch a real attack on the infrastructure of the machines behind the matrix. Along the way McClane teaches Neo how to not be such a bitch while Neo teaches him about emo music and how to use Windows Media Maker.
6. ELLEN RIPLEY and SARAH CONNOR in TOUGH BITCHES II
These women were both cowering weaklings in their first feature outings and both became models of tough gun-wielding feminism in their sequels. Of course this would be along the lines of those Aliens vs. Predator vs. Terminator comics, these intergalactic super-baddies all come together to fight on earth or something, maybe the politicos put together some deal to allow them to set up wild battles in Hollywood (it'll kill off the liberal media while making a tidy profit) and it's up to Ripley (sent back from the future) and Sarah Connor to save the day. Written and directed by James Cameron, lotsa guns, explosions, ripped women in tight, sweaty tees, yeah, pretty much guaranteed to be the biggest movie of all time.
5. SLATER SON and SPICCOLI in ENTER THE BONGRIP
Okay, maybe Slater might be a little bit of a stretch as an "all-time character" (though if you haven't gone through a proper DAZED AND CONFUSED phase, your youth might have been wasted). And yes, there have been plenty of stoner duos over time. But Spiccoli is the most legendary. And he's apparently a sick surfer, not to mention the fact that he essentially cemented the Cali surfer bro twang most people who know nothing about surfing affect when they do impersonations. And Slater, like, c'mon, he's probably the most real stoner caricature ever. In this movie, Slater, a star in the 70's, is now living in a one-bedroom and working at a surf shop/drug front after discovering and following Van Halen to Cali one summer and just never coming back. There he meets a young surfer with a predilection for the bud. An epic origin story, this bildungsroman shows Spiccoli quickly learning the pointlessness of school and how all he needs are cool buds and tasty waves. And he learns that all the girls in his class are worthless, thus making his epic burn that much more fulfilling.
4. ACE VENTURA and TEEN WOLF in FINDING TINKERBELL
Back before werewolves were all super-ripped white (or brown) trash - or, for that matter, an MTV soap opera - , Michael J. Fox played an average kid who just happened to grow fur and super-strength as a side-effect of puberty. Ace Ventura is of course the most legendary, and only, pet detective to grace the screen. Ace is hired by Paris Hilton to find her lost Chihuahua, Tinkerbell. But when he loses the scent, he finds an ally in a high schoolkid who can turn into a wolf and track the dog by nose alone. Teen Wolf also ends up being a good backup when it turns out that Paris' dog was stolen by the WeHo Russian mob as a ploy to lure the heiress into a sex slave trade. Lots of funny scenes - like, at some point Ventura scratches Teen Wolf justttt rightttt and his leg goes to twitching. In another Teen Wolf starts up an epic party where Ventura takes down bimbettes like Charlie Sheen with an eightball. And a few shots of Paris nude. Hilarity ensues.
3. SHENEHNEH and WANDA
Okay, I know the rules were film characters only and of these two one's an ancillary character in Martin Lawrence's all-but-forgotten TV show while the other is a Jamie Foxx skit from INLIVING COLOR. But after watching this video (and above), this combo just had to be on the list.
2. INDIANA JONES and THE WOLF from "PULP FICTION" in CLEANING UP ATLANTIS
Indiana Jones can handle any situation. So can The Wolf. So when Marcellus Wallace wants some muh-fuckin' treasure from the real Atlantis, the Wolf calmly steps through time and strong-arms Indy into leading him to it. What starts off as a hostage situation quickly becomes a partnership as they get in deeper and The Wolf's calmness and ability to blend in at high-end parties and whatnot is countered by Indy's toughness and archaeological knowledge. Plus the Wolf helps Indy out of a tough spot involving a Nazi prostitute and an overzealous whipping session. MACGYVER makes a guest appearance in a flashback as Indy's childhood friend.
1. FLETCH and AXEL FOLEY in TAKING IT TO THE MAN.
This inspired this whole blog. So you can blame it on these bastards. But seriously, are there any two more brilliant investigators than Detroit's finest and the LA Times' best? Not only can they piece together international high-end drug and crime conspiracies, they do it while employing all sorts of impersonations and false identities. ("Tell Victor that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man." - classic Axel Foley.) In this movie Fletch uncovers a scheme by Bank of the West to hide money being given to a Mexican Cartel behind money losses in the stock market. At the same time Axel, chasing the cartel to avenge yet another dead partner, runs into the money laundering and at first mistakes Fletch for an enemy. But as the BHPD, now fully in the pockets of the bad men we call "job creators" gets on both their tails, these two masters of disguise and investigation have to team up to uncover bank fraud, Mexican gangs, and, along the way, fight for the affection of a gorgeous blond movie star who just happens to be the daughter of the bad guy - played by David Hasselhoff.
Good. I hope you enjoyed this list and, even more, that you think it's just as much of a waste of time and brainpower as I felt like it was making it.
And if you have any other suggestions, which I'm sure you do, send 'em in the way of comments. Maybe somebody'll notice. I mean, shit, any of these have gotta be better than that TOTAL RECALL remake.
- Ryan
It's been a standard lament the last few years that Hollywood has run out of ideas, is resorting to an overflow of remakes, adaptations, and sequels/prequels (did TOTAL RECALL really need a redo? And have you heard this rot that they're trying to do a sequel/prequel to RAGING BULL? God help us). Now isn't the time for me to echo sentiments that Hollywood has grown conservative with the movies it greenlights, that development execs have lost all ability, seemingly, to push forward unique, dynamic projects seeing as that's already been hollered ad infinitum. All I'm gonna talk about is that yet another big studio picture season has passed with a massive glaring hole: no new characters have exploded upon the scene and taken over the zeitgeist.
Come to think about it, we haven't gotten a new cinematic character since Captain Jack Sparrow. Since then it's been mostly a parade of old characters reborn or leading characters who are, at best, simply an extension of those coming before and any of the nameless "hero's journey" puppets. While there are some great stories sneaking through the cracks of the Hollywood factory, there are very few new memorable people. And if there are, they're more just a talented actor or actress, that is people refer to "Zach Galiafanakis' character from THE HANGOVER," not "Alan."
As such, I was watching BEVERLY HILLS COP the other day, lamenting the fact that there just is no modern day Axel Foley. Which led me to wondering what woulda happened if they made a movie where Axel Foley teamed up with Chevy Chase's Fletch. Which brought about an idea that might just help Hollywood get over their current remake hump. That is, don't simply recast characters from classics; no, if you're gonna rehash old shit, at least put together some AVENGERS-esque combos, bringing us team-ups we always wish we coulda seen. I'm not gonna include characters taken from reality, books or TV shows because that's cheating to give the movie people credit for creating them in the first place (sorry JAMES BOND, ROBIN HOOD, LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, and all the comic book characters). And if given the whole of cinematic history then suddenly it's overwhelming - BLUTO BLUTARSKY from "ANIMAL HOUSE" with FRANK THE TANK from "OLD SCHOOL" or RICK from "CASABLANCA" with HAN SOLO, for example - shit you could do STAR WARS combos all day. Which brings me to this TEN 80'S AND 90'S MOVIE TEAM-UPS I WANT TO SEE. Enough of you check it out, maybe we'll have to revisit it with more instant classic combos.
Yes, I'm starting off cheating, Sparrow is from 2003. But these men are both personal life heroes of mine. Captain Jack is good with his trickery, his whores, and his rum drinking. Captain Ron knows where the parties are and could help Sparrow get used to the modern Caribe. Together they go searching for the legendary treasure of the galleon Puta Madre. Along the way they encounter Haitian zombies, narcotraficantes, and one enterprising whore named Santa Maria who's just as handy with a gun as with her ample... wits.
Uncle Buck is loveable, a bit of a con man but mostly harmless. The dude is a slacker, perhaps not the best person to rely upon in a jam but he's loyal and all in all he's a good guy. Their shared love of bowling leads them to a long-lasting friendship when Buck replaces Donny on their bowling team. When Walter's arrested for illegal gun-running, Buck's talking and the Dude's creative resilience are needed to spring Sobchak out of jail and take down the low level crime boss scumbag framing him.
The swingingest spy from the 60's meets the swingingest detective from the 70's (yes, Shaft is another cheat but I'll chalk it up to Equal Opportunity employment). Shaft relies on his toughness and occasionally a big gun while Austin relies on his gun and a judo chop. But when some hot pussy makes its way across their path, watch the fur fly. When Austin traces Dr. Evil to the Bronx, he runs into John Shaft who's tracing the violent heron trade up the chain to who else but - Dr. Evil. In a flurry of mojo and hand to hand combat, Shaft and Powers show the world that it takes a real player to bring justice.
One's an old school tough guy who can shoot a gun and take a beating but can't use a computer. The other is a computer nerd whose brains make him superpowerful in the Matrix but outside he's just a geek in a ratty old shirt. One says "Yippy ki ay motherfucker" The other says "Whoa." But when war with the robots erupts in the real world of Zion, Neo has to free the world's last real tough guy, John McLean, to help the geeks fight war in the real world. Between McLean's smart-ass comebacks and Neo's all-around smarts, they launch a real attack on the infrastructure of the machines behind the matrix. Along the way McClane teaches Neo how to not be such a bitch while Neo teaches him about emo music and how to use Windows Media Maker.
These women were both cowering weaklings in their first feature outings and both became models of tough gun-wielding feminism in their sequels. Of course this would be along the lines of those Aliens vs. Predator vs. Terminator comics, these intergalactic super-baddies all come together to fight on earth or something, maybe the politicos put together some deal to allow them to set up wild battles in Hollywood (it'll kill off the liberal media while making a tidy profit) and it's up to Ripley (sent back from the future) and Sarah Connor to save the day. Written and directed by James Cameron, lotsa guns, explosions, ripped women in tight, sweaty tees, yeah, pretty much guaranteed to be the biggest movie of all time.
Okay, maybe Slater might be a little bit of a stretch as an "all-time character" (though if you haven't gone through a proper DAZED AND CONFUSED phase, your youth might have been wasted). And yes, there have been plenty of stoner duos over time. But Spiccoli is the most legendary. And he's apparently a sick surfer, not to mention the fact that he essentially cemented the Cali surfer bro twang most people who know nothing about surfing affect when they do impersonations. And Slater, like, c'mon, he's probably the most real stoner caricature ever. In this movie, Slater, a star in the 70's, is now living in a one-bedroom and working at a surf shop/drug front after discovering and following Van Halen to Cali one summer and just never coming back. There he meets a young surfer with a predilection for the bud. An epic origin story, this bildungsroman shows Spiccoli quickly learning the pointlessness of school and how all he needs are cool buds and tasty waves. And he learns that all the girls in his class are worthless, thus making his epic burn that much more fulfilling.
Back before werewolves were all super-ripped white (or brown) trash - or, for that matter, an MTV soap opera - , Michael J. Fox played an average kid who just happened to grow fur and super-strength as a side-effect of puberty. Ace Ventura is of course the most legendary, and only, pet detective to grace the screen. Ace is hired by Paris Hilton to find her lost Chihuahua, Tinkerbell. But when he loses the scent, he finds an ally in a high schoolkid who can turn into a wolf and track the dog by nose alone. Teen Wolf also ends up being a good backup when it turns out that Paris' dog was stolen by the WeHo Russian mob as a ploy to lure the heiress into a sex slave trade. Lots of funny scenes - like, at some point Ventura scratches Teen Wolf justttt rightttt and his leg goes to twitching. In another Teen Wolf starts up an epic party where Ventura takes down bimbettes like Charlie Sheen with an eightball. And a few shots of Paris nude. Hilarity ensues.
Okay, I know the rules were film characters only and of these two one's an ancillary character in Martin Lawrence's all-but-forgotten TV show while the other is a Jamie Foxx skit from INLIVING COLOR. But after watching this video (and above), this combo just had to be on the list.
Indiana Jones can handle any situation. So can The Wolf. So when Marcellus Wallace wants some muh-fuckin' treasure from the real Atlantis, the Wolf calmly steps through time and strong-arms Indy into leading him to it. What starts off as a hostage situation quickly becomes a partnership as they get in deeper and The Wolf's calmness and ability to blend in at high-end parties and whatnot is countered by Indy's toughness and archaeological knowledge. Plus the Wolf helps Indy out of a tough spot involving a Nazi prostitute and an overzealous whipping session. MACGYVER makes a guest appearance in a flashback as Indy's childhood friend.
This inspired this whole blog. So you can blame it on these bastards. But seriously, are there any two more brilliant investigators than Detroit's finest and the LA Times' best? Not only can they piece together international high-end drug and crime conspiracies, they do it while employing all sorts of impersonations and false identities. ("Tell Victor that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man." - classic Axel Foley.) In this movie Fletch uncovers a scheme by Bank of the West to hide money being given to a Mexican Cartel behind money losses in the stock market. At the same time Axel, chasing the cartel to avenge yet another dead partner, runs into the money laundering and at first mistakes Fletch for an enemy. But as the BHPD, now fully in the pockets of the bad men we call "job creators" gets on both their tails, these two masters of disguise and investigation have to team up to uncover bank fraud, Mexican gangs, and, along the way, fight for the affection of a gorgeous blond movie star who just happens to be the daughter of the bad guy - played by David Hasselhoff.
Good. I hope you enjoyed this list and, even more, that you think it's just as much of a waste of time and brainpower as I felt like it was making it.
And if you have any other suggestions, which I'm sure you do, send 'em in the way of comments. Maybe somebody'll notice. I mean, shit, any of these have gotta be better than that TOTAL RECALL remake.
- Ryan
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