007's Top 5: The Hotbodies Who Inspired the Exploits of Commander Boner Through the Ages

On November 9^th the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, opens in US cinemas. What a perfect excuse this presents to ponder the 50 year film franchise, and what better way to celebrate the best of Bond than by remembering the top five Bond babes, one for each decade.  

Bond 1962 to 1971 – The Connery Era (George Lazenby did of course sneak in here for On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – but this was such a shit film it is omitted from the list). 

Films: 

Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, & Diamonds are Forever. 

Babes:

The obvious cliché here is Ursula Andress in her Gold Bikini and she is definitely hard to beat, especially because if it wasn’t for her, the entire genre of bond girls might not exist; well, I suppose unless bond became gay.  There were always going to be women in his films and else does a spy unwind? I guarantee Jason Bourne is knee deep in vagina.

Nonetheless, Ursula was so adored that as a homage, Halle Berry performed a similar scene in Die Another Day:

 

Who wore it better? Who cares?

However, to pick Ursula is to express no opinion at all, and what’s the point of that? Therefore Claudine Auger (Domino from Thunderball) instead wins the babe spot from Connery Era.  It’s a shame she couldn’t afford a wet suit that fit her properly. I bet her thighs were freezing. 

Miss 007 1960's: Claudine Auger

In the 1983 unofficial Bond flick, Never Say NeverAgain which was loosely a spin-off of Thunderball, Domino pops up again but this time played by Kim Basinger. She also needs a good shaking not stirring, but given that Never Say Never Again was not an EON-Produced film, and because Connery is by this point way too old to be JB, she won’t qualify for this top 10 unfortunately. That said, she’s still an absolute corker nonetheless:

Bond 1972 to 1981 – The Early Moore Years

Films: 

Live and let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, and For Your Eyes Only.

Roger Moore, is the most effeminate of all the bonds. He’s the kind of Bond you liked as a kid before you understood that Bond’s raison d’etre is not witty one liners, it’s to slay as many women as possible. Once you hit 12/13 and you have to sit on your hands to stop masturbating furiously every hour of the day, you realize that in the real world Moore is nothing but a Nancy boy and would never have a shot with beautiful women. But movies aren’t reality, and Roger had the chance to play opposite some stunners. 

In Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Jane Seymore was crying out to be ravished by Indians and pilgrims but in Live and Let Die she's a goddess. She plays the old “vulnerable psychic virgin routine” perfectly. 

In the Spy Who Loved Me, Barbara Bach oozes sex. However, she’s also just a bit manly, which is why she can’t make the top of this group. She’s the sort of woman who would bench press you immediately after ejaculation, and a great Bond Girl needs to be useless once she's off her back. It’s her job to make James look good. If she starts becoming too much like Xena the Warrior Princess then she loses points and unfortunately, Barbara crosses that line. In this shot she even looks like Xena:

 

Therefore, the winner for this decade is Brit Ekland (“Goodnight” in The Man With The Golden Gun). She’s beauty, she spends a decent part of the movie in a bikini, and she’s also completely useless. That about checks all the boxes

Ms. 007 1970's: Brit Ekland

 Bond 1982 to 1991 –Late Moore and Dreary Dalton

Films: 

Octopussy, A View to a Kill, The Living Daylights and License to Kill.

This is an easy one. It’s obviously the one with eight vaginas! Maud Adams, the Swedish Sensation, was an absolute stunner in this pretty mediocre movie. Please insert joke about Nadya Suleman here. 

Ms. 007 1980's: Maude Adams

 

In A View to a Kill, Stacey Sutton also makes a lovely appearance. 

Unfortunately, Grace Jones is also in that movie and immediately squashes even the slightest hint of an erection. That’s a woman who wouldn’t only bench press you following copulation, she’d dead lift you, bicep curl you, and then strap on a large phallus and bugger you. 

Timothy Dalton was obviously a cunt and evidently seen to be so even when he was making his films. That’s why they didn’t give him anything good to rub up against. The blond from the Living Daylights was an absolute rotter.  The only good aspect from his Bond tenure was Lupe Lamora from License to Kill. But even then, I think he only got to cuddle with her. At the very most, all he managed was to slip her a dry digit.

Bond 1992 to 2002 –Pierce Brosnan – (You’re Irish, but I’ll let you off the bloody hook)

Films: 

Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough & Die Another Day

After two shit films, Dalton got the elbow and we prayed for a new bond that would finally recapture the smooth agent everyone had failed to bring post Connery. In Brosnan, we finally got that. It was obviously rather upsetting that this talent couldn’t be sourced within the British Isles, a people renowned for their suaveness and sophistication; but nonetheless, Brosnan finally made Bond cool again. Unfortunately, Goldeneye was the only good film he made, (the opening sequence when he bungee jumps off the dam is fucking epic!), but even though the next three films sucked balls, at least it was believable that attractive women would fawn after him. 

Izabella Scorupco, (Natalya from Goldeneye) is flaming gorgeous in this Bond promo snap, even though she didn’t look nearly as good in the film:

 

In Tomorrow Never Dies, Teri Hatcher makes an appearance, but while she was a head turner in The New Adventures of Superman, she was a bit past her sell-by-date in this film. 

In The World Is Not Enough, Sophie Marceau and Denise Richards pop up, but both have to be ruled out for separate reasons. Sophie, because she’s missing half her ear and unless you’re Mike Tyson or Vincent Van Gogh that’s not titillating, and Denise doesn’t get a shot at the title because why bother perving at her in this when you can just watch Wild Things?

Therefore the top bond girl of this decade has to go to Halle Berry, much as it pains me to say it. Thank god there is not an opportunity for an acceptance speech for this very prestigious award. Nobody likes a crier – especially an ugly crier. Her boobs are probably the only aspect that makes Swordfish worth watching.

Ms. 007 1990's - Halle Berry

Bond 2003 – Today – Bond Meets Bourne 

Without doubt, Daniel Craig is the best bond ever. He’s fucking stacked, he’s smooth, and he’s got a classic upper-class English accent. He’s the embodiment of Ian Fleming’s vision. Casino Royale was fucking quality and once again, Bond fans thought we were back on track. But just as we started to get our hopes up, Quantum of Solace took a shit on them. So heaven help us if Skyfall isn’t an on-screen orgasm.  We have also been let down by women in both of Craig’s past movies. However, hopefully that's about to change. Certainly, if this paparazzi snap of Bérénice Marlohe taking out her trash is anything to go on, we have a treat in store for us:

Berenice Marlohe - the Greatest New Bondgirl?

 Just imagine what she’ll look like when she’s made up. For now, she can hold the top spot in this category, but as I’m yet to see the film, I cannot guarantee her first place. However, if you’re reading this Bérénice, I’d be open to meeting up to get a sneak preview. How do you feel about Color Me Mine? 

For the rest of you, you'll have to settle for the trailer.

- Guest Author and Manhattan-dwelling British raconteur/playboy James