But anyway, I was at a whorehouse in Cairo, candy flipping and next thing I knew I woke up here. In Tehran. In a burned out old building that used to be a StarCups, the Iranian version of Starbucks, or so I could gather from the toothless wench robbing my wallet.
But I'm an absolute professional, can't let a little blackout/hangover/geographic dispersion stop me from filing a report. Hell, you bastards are still promising to pay my expenses. So here it is: I'm in Iran.
Iran. Home to Academy Award winner A SEPARATION and America's #1 enemy depending on which week you ask Mitt Romney (we have so many: Russia, China, Cuba - it rotates week to week depending on who did what where - I think Libya's back up there. And to think, we'd finally forgiven them for killing Doc.
But no, Iran is a modern nation. I walked out into the streets and was immediately greeted by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or was it Ayatollah Khamenei, blaring over a microphone, announcing that the country was doing great, making inroads to Asia, and soon would be able to exist without the infidel's oil money, praise Allah. Good. Goddamn infidels, coming in a fucking shit up.
Still, the streets looked empty. A lot of ghost storefronts. But hell, according to Mitt Romney they're gonna have nuclear weapons any day and when that happens, shit, we're looking at the new Russia. All because that damn Barack HUSSAIN Obama went around apologizing and trying to be easy on the nation, trying to make friends with our sworn enemies. The Spartans didn't try to talk things through with Xerxes. No, they killed his best soldiers and their elephants and shit and won the battle with only 300 men. Just like America.
As I stumbled around the city, proudly waving my American flag and yelling out that I was a journalist, I felt somebody throw his arms around me, pull me into a dark shadow.
"Christ, what do you want?"
"What are you doing? Trying to get killed?"
"What? I heard Obama's been bending over backwards for Iran, America's probably as popular as Jesus over here."
"Oh, Jesus, then you have not heard? The Iranian government will be bankrupt soon. America and Europe's sanctions have crippled us. The rial has lost half of its value and we have only about 85 billion dollars' worth of financial reserves. After that - after that we will not be able to purchase imports. Just a few months. That is when the troubles will start."
"Well serves you bastards right, enriching uranium."
"Myself and the other teachers at University of Tehran and our many middle class merchants, respectable citizens caught in our leaders' pissing matches, we have been trying to convince them to stop the enrichment. We don't care about the supposed nuclear power when we are starving. The allied nations will break us and then where will we be, eh?"
"I don't know. But at least it's better than having Romney, eh?"
"No. Romney, he will eschew diplomacy and look to attack. That will convince other nations to rally to our help, especially Russia and China, Mitt Romney's sworn enemies. Maybe even Europe - everybody will try to distance themselves from him. Except maybe the Egyptian deposed and the limeys. And Israel but, hey, really, what is Israel but the scrawny little brother Americans constantly have to protect from the bullies in the neighborhood?"
Just then a bomb went off. And I ran outside to find people running through the streets like it was Cinco de Mayo. And that's when something hit me in the head and knocked me out.
Now I'm waking up on this ship, in a well-appointed room locked from the outside, though I do have an internet connection. Where this boat is going, I have no idea.
- Oscar Gam, Foreign Correspondent
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