Lock-Street Week 13 12.2

Green Bay Packers (-7.5 ) vs. the Minnesota Vikings

Rodgers is going to come out this week like Mia Wallace after an adrenaline shot to the heart. He’s pissed by his performance last week and desires retribution like any All-Pro QB does after being throttled by the Giants in the most lopsided loss by the Packers in almost 5 years. Adrian Peterson has returned this season with an unbelievable year where he is the leading the league in rushing (1236 yards), and both Hee-Man Clay Matthews and run-stopper extraordinaire CJ Wilson are both most likely out this week, but all they will do is keep 7 to 8 in the box in order to stifle the Vikings and their offensive predictability.


Christian Ponder might have model like looks, but the poor guy is still not meeting expectations. He’s not good nor is he the future. Percy Harvin might finally return, but if he does, he will still be hampered by that ankle injury. Their passing game is completely stagnate without Harvin (677 yards and 3 TD’s) and while Kyle “The Reindeer” Rudolph at TE has been playing better than expected (7 TD’s), they just have no consistent options. The rank a pathetic 30th in the NFL in passing yard.


So Cedric Benson is out for the rest of the season for the Packers but this guy has been playing football since the Bush administration, THE FIRST ONE. It’s not that big of a deal. Alex Green is quick but what makes this offense so indestructible is the arm of Mr. Rodger’s. He’s playing at Lambeau, better known as his neighborhood. He finally gets his big gun back with the return of Greg Jennings and when combined with such weapons as Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, and James Jones, Jermichael Finley should finally have the game he has been looking for all season as the Vikings corners (Ranked 13th in opponent passing and 15th in opponent rushing) will be as clueless as Lindsey Lohan’s lawyers.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. San Diego Chargers (+1.5)


The Chargers are in desperate need for a win. They are so desperate, Norv Turner has sold his soul to the devil. I mean why else do you think the guy is still a coach? Sure they might be out of the playoffs, but this is a team that plays well when they are hopeless. It is truly difficult for a team traveling from the EST to play a game in PST, as mentioned by Ray “Hey Diddle Diddle” Rice. The Chargers had the opportunity to win last week and they blew it, but they will be coming out as fired up as ever. Their only shot now is to win out and have some teams lose.


So the Charges have lost their top two tacklers, Atari Bigby (68 tacklers) is out for the rest of the season while leading tackler Donald Butler (72 tackles) is out with a groin injury. Darrell Stuckey (hamstring) will most likely be out and Jared Gaither, their left tackle, was placed on IR. Their offensive line is as useful as Poland’s army. Sure they'll be playing against an animal in AJ Green (Leads the league in receiving TD’s with 10), but the Bengals have the ability to deconstruct as proven by their inability to go 2 consecutive years to the playoffs. The law firm Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis is having a solid year rushing for 767 yards and 5 TD’s. He broke the 100 yard mile stone each of the last two weeks.


The Chargers offense should not be this bad. Once they get into a rhythm, Rivers and crew can make any team sweat. Their issues this year have been Philip’s picks, ball security, and dropped passes, which means that any game where they do not turn the ball over, they can stay competitive. They have big receivers in Malcolm Floyd, the aging but still affective Antonio Gates, and next year’s sleeper fantasy pick Danario Alexander. These guys apparently know where to find a breeding ground for giants or trolls. They still have pro bowl safety Eric Weddle. If Ryan Matthews, Jackie Battle, and Ronnie Brown can just hold on to the ball, they should have one of the most dynamic running crews in the league. Watch as the Chargers play up to their potential FINALLY and upset the hot-Bengals. It's ashame it's in San Diego, because it would have been sick to see a Freezer Bowl reenactment

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys (u 43)


The NFC East is riddled with the stank of underachievement. Is there any division in sports as overhyped as this one every preseason? I mean seriously. This division gets more discussion at the beginning of each year than any other in the NFL. There's actually only 1 other division with less combined wins, the AFC West ( 20 wins to 16 wins). So maybe the Eagles forgot how to play defense, but they will still play hard against their rivals, the Cowboys. On the other side of the ball, Vick is out again with a concussion. DeSean Jackson was placed on IR with a multiple Rib Fractures and LeSean MacCoy might be sitting out again due to post concussion symptoms. The way the Eagles are going, eventually everyone on their team will have the first name of Sean with two letters prefacing it.


Without going into much detail here, both teams blow. Statistically, they both are safely tucked away in the middle of the league. The Cowboys defense though is not terrible as they're 9th in opponent passing and 13th in opponent rushing. Offensively, they are actually 2nd in passing yards, but are in last place in rushing yards. The Eagles defense ranks in the middle of the pack as they are ranked 14th in opponent passing and 18th in opponent rushing yards. All and all, this should be a sloppy game that might gross you out as much as The Walking Dead.

    Record

Week 12
2-0-1

Week 11

2-1

Week 10
2-1

Week 9

1-2

Week 8

1-2

Week 7
2-1

Week 6

 1-2

Week 5
1-2

Week 4
3-0

Week 3
2-1

Week 2
1-2

Week 1

0-1



LOCK STREET TOTAL RECORD



18-15-1

Where Did the Beats Go? They're Still Here...

Youth culture is a strange thing - in fact, it's a phenomenon that's younger than almost any other social explosion and yet it's currently the pinnacle of popular society.

60 years ago youth were better seen and not heard. Or at the most just sent off to die or kill for their country. Nobody took young people, and especially not young wanderers who just wanted to experience life for the sake of experience, seriously.

Then came the Beats. Depraved artists bumming their way from New York to San Francisco. "Who wandered around and around at midnight in the railway yards wondering where to go, and went, leaving no broken hearts," as Ginsberg wrote in HOWL. They refused to accept life as a series of drudgeries and responsibilities and jobs leading to a quiet, subdued death. They refused to accept authority. they refused to accept silence. And goddamn were they heard.

If it weren't for Kerouac's road days we wouldn't have had the 1960's cultural and artistic explosion, a period you have to accept as the closest thing America ever came to an artistic renaissance. You wouldn't have had Lear and Kesey and all dropping acid and searching for enlightenment and then wouldn't have had Steve Jobs as he was one of the stoniest acid head transcendentalists in the history of America.

Wouldn't have had Bob Dylan screaming about injustice. If it weren't for the beats popularizing jazz and poetry who knows if the mainstream culture would ever have embraced its descendant rap. Certainly wouldn't have this explosion of new sports and lifestyles far outside the straight and narrow, wouldn't have a nation where people are encouraged to protest and eschew the status quo. We wouldn't have America.

Maybe that's why James Franco starred in HOWL last year, at his peak, and why ON THE ROAD is one of the most anticipated movies on its way out - and how it's turned Kristen Stewart back to the provocative exciting young actress she'd been before those rotten vampire movies.

Just check out the trailer and thank god this will hopefully be a harbinger of where our youth culture is heading (Bieber and  Kardashians be damned):

Our buddies at Huck Magazine put together this sick little video to show the evolution from beats to today's protesters and pose the question what's next? As our budding revolutionaries and innovators and outside the box thinkers start to make their presence felt by this world hurtling everyday towards self-destruction, what will we do next?

And while you're at it, polish off a couple of those great beat masters:

TROPIC OF CANCER - Pre-beat but the great inspiration for them all.

NAKED LUNCH - A heroin nightmare, complete with visceral and vivid sexuality and depravity

ON THE ROAD - Yeah, you gotta but

BIG SUR - this is Kerouac's finest. Imagine watching yourself going insane from drinking too much. And being unable to stop it. But at the same time having enough mind left to write down a painfully brilliant play by play of the end. Yeah. A-fucking-mazing.

HOWL - It's linked to up. Yeah. you gotta read it. Between all the lines about terror and motherfuckers screaming and whatnot are some of the most amazing poetic lines ever. My favorite stanza is "Storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon blinking traffic light." Just say that a few times. Faster. There it is.

Visit the City Lights Bookstore and grab a drink - or 5 - next door at Tivoli.

Just learn about Neal Cassady. Seriously. This man is truly one of the last great American heroes.

And to mix it up, see how it started, the homosexual murder mystery that first brought them all together - just released this last year, AND THE HIPPOS WERE BOILED IN THEIR TANKS is a novel co-written by Burroughs and Kerouac about a real event in their lives and what it lacks in writing ability it makes up for in the hints of the greatness to come out of both those men.

So next time you get laid without strings attached, set off for an adventure for no purpose other than the desire to have an adventure, smoke a j or sit down to write about stream of consciousness youth angst and confusion, make sure to pay some respect to the beats. And maybe you'll find you are one - just a couple generations removed.

Because as we've seen in MAD MEN, Don Draper wanted to be a "beat" - he just wasn't good enough at the artistic side. Pay attention to all the reading, all the people he feels awkward around, and all the writing and such he does secretly and in his bed at night. And even the women he picks. Yup. Draper's a Beat in disguise as a suit.

I don't know about you but that makes me feel a bit warm and fuzzy.

- Ryan

SUPERCHARGED LOSERS: 4 Chunks of Rot to Emerge from the Baltimore/San Diego Game Sunday

Sunday you might have seen the San Diego Chargers lose to the Baltimore Ravens in one of the most exciting nail-biters of the long weekend, a game which included a 30 yard Ray Rice run down the middle on a 4th and 29 from a team down by 3 with less than 2 minutes left in a game.

You might have seen it, that is, unless you lived in Southern California. 

Which brings me to topic # 1:

WHAT JERK-OFF AT THE NFL CAME UP WITH THIS BLACKOUT RULE?

I understand the logic behind this, that by blacking out a home game when it doesn't sell out, you force the local fans to buy tickets. The thing is, this cause and effect is about as sound as the argument that keeping marijuana illegal will lower our country's problem with pharmaceuticals, cocaine and heroin. 

This is just another example of the NFL getting a bit big for its britches and trying to make up rules and play games that will cement its American entertainment dominance while slowly eroding some of the basic essence of what made the NFL into the juggernaut it currently is. As I wrote about last week, all the attention given to softening the game can only lead to bad things  - today's it's hits to the head, next it'll be low tackles (which can land players on their heads), then make illegal any hits on a receiver until they've taken a step and then, seriously, who wants to watch football without hard hits?

And this blackout bullshit is just another example of the NFL and specifically the Chargers biting itself in the ass. The basics are as such - for any team that hasn't sold out tickets within 72 hours of the game, the NFL can call a television blackout. The idea is that'll incentivize the local fans to buy tickets to the game. But here's the problem - it blacks out affiliates as well. So I'm in Los Angeles, almost 200 miles from San Diego and yet I couldn't see my Ravens play the Chargers. Except by streaming it online, an irritating feed during which the players were continually constipated mid-throw or mid-run. Still, the NFL lost all credit for that viewing and the corresponding ad buys. Even more, plenty of people advertise during local games because there's a higher probability that the local fans will be consolidated in front of said game.So the networks and affiliates will have to explain to people placing ad buys specifically for the San Diego team in the San Diego market. Have fun.

On the other hand, there are all the fans it alienated by not allowing them to watch their team on TV. Right now NFL TV rights are their most lucrative ever. But teams are revamping their stadiums, trying to get people to "enjoy" (translate: pay for) that experience.So they think it's okay to trade their TV revenue for a chance to build stadium revenue but sorry, it doesn't work that way. In fact, I think these blackouts will remind more people, especially in places like San Diego, of all the other things they could be doing instead of watching their shitty football team lose again. Essentially eroding an already-shaky fan base.

But seriously, why didn't the Chargers sell out? In some cases, like mine, for instance, I just don't have the $500 plus it woulda cost for the wife and I to drive down to San Diego and buy tickets to the game. If we were in San Diego it would be a different story. And the interesting thing is, watching the game, there was a shitload of purple in the stands. Disproportionate to how it should be. So if they're 9000 tickets short of a sellout and a lot of the tickets bought were bought by fans of a team based 3000 miles away, what does that say for the San Diego fans?

FAIR WEATHER MAKES FOR FAIR WEATHER FANS or WHY L.A. CAN'T GET A TEAM

The simple sad fact is that nobody in San Diego wants to spend money to see their team suck. Chargers fans are counting down the days until the season ends and Norv Turner gets his walking papers and possibly Rivers too. Are there plenty of other teams doing worse? Sure. But what the fuck else can you do in Detroit? San Diego fans don't have to be die hard because which would you rather do - watch your under-performing team lose again or go surfing?

If you answered go surfing you're a bad fan. But that's just it, in Southern California to get any fan attention you have to be fucking champions, like the Lakers, especially when you see how much the Clippers are little more than an afterthought in this city. The Angels had to win the world series to sell out their stadium (and then L.A. claimed them, though the City of Angels claiming the baseball team the Angels would be like Philadelphia claiming the Orioles). The Dodgers have one of the most beautiful fields in baseball and every year are contenders and god help them if they start slipping. But football, a pricey game, requires people be willing to plunk down hundreds of dollars in solidarity sometimes to see their team lose. And again, if you live in a city of industry where everything's dead and the couple hours at the local stadium might be the only time you spend out doors each week, that's acceptable. But with all the distractions in SoCal it's understandable why Chargers fans get antsy and decide not to buy tickets. But c'mon, people, how embarrassing is it that you've had 2 blackouts, including one for a game which your team needed to win to make the playoffs? The fans have all but given up.

Baltimore had a few shitty years there. And even then the stands were packed. And it's a combination of that support and hard-nosed spirit which has made the Ravens into a perennial playoff team. But obviously it's not all the fans' fault. I mean, Jacksonville has done everything it can to incentivize fans to pack the stands so as to avoid blackouts. So while perhaps the team spirit in SoCal is a bit lacking (again, you have to be a fucking champion every year to get fans when the true test of a fanbase is whether they stick when you suck, which has been shown to be decidedly shakey in SoCal) there's also some poor decision making from the front office. Letting got of Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 season for Norv Turner who, let's be honest, has never been much more than a disappointment? And then there's Philip Rivers.

WHEN WILL LOSERS LEARN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?

I'm gonna start with this quote from Phillip Rivers', possibly the NFL's greatest current underachiever, on Ray Rice's already-legendary 4th and 29 scramble:

"He did not get the first down. They just did not have a view to overturn it. He did not get it. You can't help it. When you don't have a view to overturn it, you cannot overturn it.

“I do not think anyone thinks he got it. I do not think anyone in the stadium thinks he got it. I do not think Ray Rice thinks he got it. I do not think anyone on their team thinks he got it. But he got it. They just did not have a camera view to overturn it. That's what the referee said. He felt bad that they could not because he did not have a view. He knew his knee was down on the 35-yard line."

 I have one word for this: classless. I have 3 words for this: shut up, loser. And watch this damn run:

There's been some debate around the league as to whether Ray Rice got it or not but for the most part, the consensus is that this will go down as one of those ridiculously amazing all-time plays, the 4th and 29 run from all-star Ray Rice. You had a front row seat to history, motherfucker, but instead of admitting that yet again your team dropped the ball, that in spite of playing arguably your best game all season you were only able to put up 13 points, that perhaps you need to re-evaluate your game and your skills and stop trying to claim yourself elite, you, Philip Rivers-don't-run-deep are spouting this long tirade like an angry fat kid who blames grown-up bias for the fact you didn't make the team. When, in fact, the reason you didn't make the team is that you're fat.

Just say "The Ravens played well. And that play from Ray Rice was once in a lifetime. We put out a good effort but have a few things to work on," then step down.

BONUS: What not to do: Just keep talking shit like the Jets, the Scrappy Doo of the league without the heart or the bite, just a loud mouth and nothing to back it up with. To point # 4:

SO, WHICH COACHES YOU THINK ARE GONNA GET THEIR WALKING PAPERS IN A FEW WEEKS?

If Norv Turner, Andy Reid, and Rex Ryan still have head coaching jobs come their teams' failures to enter the playoffs, it's obviously a MAJOR LEAGUE type situation where the owners want to move their franchises to another town. Which is good because a lot of teams could use some good assistant coaches. Hell, I'd be more than happy to have Rex Ryan back coaching the Ravens' defense. But seriously, it's embarrassing that these assholes are given billion-dollar-franchises and allowed to run them into the ground - haven't seen such irresponsible leadership since Jon Corzine.

Who else you think is going?

So as we get into the home stretch there's still a lot that can happen. But there are a couple glaring phantoms who could fuck up this whole golden era for the NFL:

1. Stop wringing every dollar and cent out of your teams. You're gonna lose fans if you continue viewing them as customers you need to fuck with to increase revenue. Football teams aren't corporations. Nobody NEEDS a football team like he needs, for example, a car. There should be a mutual respect there and as owners and the league try to manipulate it like a Goldman Sachs securities packagerlooking to maximize profits, there will be an inevitable kickback.

2. Step It Up. SoCal fans, you need to start showing the love for your teams EVEN IF THEY LOSE. And management, you need to start catering to those fans like it's your job. Because it is - don't forget, you may be rich and powerful but the people who buy your jerseys, tickets, and hats are your bosses.

3. Less Talking, More Winning. Trash talking is awesome if you can back it up. But when your team sucks and/or you have no reason to be talking shit, just put your head down and play the fucking game. Rivers, you sound like the petulant loser you are. By the way, did you know Rivers is super religious? Tebow also. Apparently God doesn't help white quarterbacks.

4. Adios, Motherfuckers. It's gonna be great to see the big head coach shuffle. A lot of dead wood in this league. But as the great NFL gold rush gets closer and closer to its apocheir, having the right General will be the difference between the teams that become global brands and the teams who settle for being American jokes.

- Ryan

Lock-Street Week 12 11.22- A Thanksgiving Special

Thanksgiving is a special time when we commemorate the collaboration of the Pilgrims and the Native Americans feasting on delectables together. Well that is until the Pilgrims mass murdered the Indians. Nowadays, it’s a day to be Thankful, bask in the presence of family and loved ones, and stare mindlessly for 10 hours at football because nothing truly personifies a holiday like grown ass men crushing each other. 

Lions (+3) vs. Texans

This is not the Lion’s first rodeo. They've had a seat at the Thanksgiving football special for years and although haven't won a Thanksgiving day game in 9 years, they don’t have a choice. Win or wave any smidgen of playoff hope goodbye.

The NFL is a confusing malcontent that has no interest in cooperating with logic. I mean the Lions are filled with talent for god sakes and yet are 4-6. On paper, they should be able to compete with any team in the league, but unless they run the table they'll see themselves watching the game from some small beach resort. Last week Titus Young was demoted for acting once again like a hooligan and being insubordinate. I mean, they informed him where to line at the end of last week and he completely ignored the coaches. The receivers coach was seen screaming at the offensive coordinator, Scott Linehan. They've reached their boiling point, so why do I think they’ll beat the team tied for the best record in football?

The Lions are removing a cancer from their team in Titus Young. While the coaches’ emotions should stay in check on the sidelines, it shows their passion for the team which trickles down to the players. Stafford and Megatron are continuing their hot streak. Leshoure looked good with 84 yards and a TD. Their defense gave up only 24 points to one of the hottest offenses in the league right now. Before the 4^th quarter, they had held the Rodgers crew to 14 points and Fairly and Avril looked strong, combining for 3 sacks. Those two need to get going in order to get some men off of Suh. Tulloch is having a great year and with a front seven that might be one of the best in the league, they should be able to get to a QB before he has the time to thrash what is a subpar Lions secondary. Schaub is no Rodgers, no matter what his stats looked like last week.

The Texans, although they continue to win, are going to reach their breaking point soon. They also played in a long game last week to an abysmal Jaguars team that lasted until 2 minutes left in OT. I don’t care if you're Wolverine; you need time to heal after a very intense game. Oh and by the way, this was no defensive struggle. They gave up 37 points to a team who probably still has no idea where the end zone is located. Chad Henne threw for 354 yards and 4 TD’s. Justin Blackmon, one of the biggest fantasy busts of the year, had an out-of-this-world 236 receiving yards which would have been tops for the weekend if it was not for Andre Johnson from Texans. Ok, Matt Schaub threw for 527 yards, but that was on 55 attempts. He also threw 2 picks. Arian Foster might as well stayed on the sidelines and read a People magazine last week as he was nonexistent with his 2.8 ypc and 0 TD’s. Two weeks ago they beat a good Bears team in a low scoring affair, but the conditions were abysmal and Jay Cutler was knocked out of the game. The week before that, they beat a terrible Bills game in a closer game than the score.

The Texans are exhausted, on a short week, and traveling to Detroit, a team and a city that knows how to respond when backed against a wall

Cowboys vs. Redskins (o47)

Unlike the AFC North, the NFC East throw up big numbers when playing division foes. In the 6 AFC East showdowns, an average of 46.33 ppg have been scored which is essentially just under this games over-under. Both teams have the ability to score a lot of points, especially in the stylish comforts of a Dome.

The Redskins scored 31 points on the woeful Eagles while the Cowboys struggled to beat a struggling, but better than their record shows, Browns team by putting up 23 points on their underrated defense. RGIII has the ability to take over the game by simply sliding behind the line of scrimmage and giving himself enough time to either throw a bombs like he did on Sunday to Santana Moss and Aldrick Robinson or find his check-down. His elusiveness also allows him to scramble for yards (6 TD’s and 613 yards rushing). Alfred Morris has developed into a beast of a running back, having compiled 869 yards and averaged 4.7 yards per carry. They’re number 2 in the league in rushing yards. While the Skin’s rushing defense is solid, ranking 7^th overall, their passing defense is an abysmal 29^th in the league. Romo is in need of playing against a weak secondary as much as Terrell Owens needs a job.

The ‘Boys are still in the hunt and licking their chops. They smell blood in the mediocrity that is the NFC East. They are at .500, one game behind the G-men who currently sits atop of the pathetic division. Dez Bryant is finally playing like a beast, having at least 87 yards in 3 of his last four games, including a huge game against the Browns (145 yards). The last two weeks were also the first time this season he caught TD’s in 2 consecutive weeks. Occasionally overshadowed, they still have ‘Pretty Eyes’ Miles Austin who only has 8 yards less than Dezzie (727 to 735). They're on pace to both have over 1000 yards receiving. Future badass DeMarco Murray is out, but they still have solid back-up Felix Jones.  Their defense is not terrible, but any team that let’s up 20 points to a poor Brown’s offense has some work to do.

New England Patriots (-6) vs. New York Jets

The Patriot’s offense is downright rude. Over their last 4 games, they have averaged 42.5 ppg and for the season, they have averaged 35.8 ppg. For a team used to running around 60% of their plays in a double TE set, though, they might come out a little shaky. Gronk broke his arm and will be out 4-6 weeks while Aaron Hernandez is still trying to recover from injuries. If you've learned anything from the Patriots, though, it doesn’t really matter who their personnel is as the Tom Brady, Bill Belichick combo is all they need. Now that Gronk is out, they’ll rely on sure handed pro-bowler Wes Welker (890 yards) even more. Besides him, they find players to fit their system such as Brandon Lloyd (Great pick-up in the offseason), Danny Woodhead (1 rushing TD and 1 receiving TD two weeks ago against the Bills), and Julian Edelman (1 punt return for a TD and 1 TD reception last week). Even though last week was a down game, Vereen had been playing solid, recording 1 TD in each of the last three games. The Patriots also are starting to develop a strong defensive secondary with Aqil Talib and Devon McCourty being moved to safety. Ok, so maybe their passing defense is 30^th in the NFL, but with Jerod Mayo, Vince Wilfork, and Dont’a Hightower, they rank a respectable 10^th in rush defense. That said, they don’t even need a defense against a scattered Jet team.

The Jets are knee deep in shit right now and if you think a 27-13 victory over the struggling Rams means progression then you're an idiot. They are 29^th in passing yards and 15^th in rushing, which will not allow them to keep up with The Brady Bunch. Even though this game is home, they are 2-3 in the Meadowlands. Their defense is a stellar 4^th in opponent passing, but can’t hold a running back down as they are 30^th in opponent rushing. Shonn Greene is hit or miss at this point and last week everyone praised Sanchez for such a great game, but he threw the ball for a weak 178 yards and 1 TD. No picks? Well the Rams haven’t gotten an interception since the Clinton administration. Sure that's fine and dandy, but it won’t win you any game against the top-tier teams. It’s not all Sanchez’s fault, as his receiving corp. might be better suited for college than playing in the Pro’s. Dustin Keller might never be healthy this season. Their best receiver is Jeremy “Who are You?” Kerley. Their receiver with the second most yards is Santonio Holmes who hasn’t even played a down in the last 6 games and will miss the rest of the season with an injured hoof. Similar to last year, Rex Ryan has lost all control of that locker room and, by not making the playoffs again, will prove that he is the most overrated coach in football.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Kyle

Why Ed Reed is a Lightning Rod for the NFL's Growing Softness

If you watch SOUTH PARK, you might have seen the episode this year where rural father and my life hero Randy Marsh, in response to parents who wanted to get rid of kick-offs so as to better protect their children, sarcastically suggested that the kids just play with a balloon and go around hugging each other. They called this Sarcastaball. It quickly grew to replace real football.

The sad thing is, like always SOUTH PARK isn't that far off. In fact, every year the NFL is spending so much more time and money trying to soften America's hardest sport that by the time my kids are old enough to play (note: I currently don't have kids) it might very well have mutated into some castrated hybrid of soccer, basketball and two-hand touch, where players constantly fake injuries and spend most of their time running back and forth almost uncontested because all but the softest of contact has been made illegal.

The one-game suspension of Ed Reed - including a withholding of his $400k+ game pay - is the first suspension to come down the pipeline as part of the defenseless receiver 3-strike rule. That is, since Ed Reed has been called 3 times for a helmet to helmet tackle of a receiver and now the NFL's making an example out of him. As a Ravens fan I'm infuriated but as a football fan I'm just disgusted.

Last year I wrote about how the NFL's coming down on the bounty practice is the beginning of a softer NFL which I, and most American men (admit it or not) will not appreciate. Or at least should not. Though perhaps the growing softness of American men will make this growing softness of our current #1 sport a viable future. And maybe they go hand in hand. If so, we need to stop this shit right now.

Have you ever watched a football game? If you have, you've noticed that the loudest unconscious exclamations don't come when somebody scores, nor do they come during a pick or a big run or anything like that. No, the most visceral part of the game and, therefore, the most wide-reaching and human part of it is hitting. And while we all love a good pass or huge run, nothing gets the blood flowing like a hard punishing hit. That's why people watch football and not soccer. Because soccer is slow and hands-off. Football is the finest representation of war, a team battle testing who's the fastest AND the strongest AND the smartest AND simply the best able to take a hit and get back up. America was founded on taking a beating and jumping back up. Washington escaping a losing battle by crossing the Delaware. The Battle of Fort McHenry. ROCKY.

Now I get it, something should be done about all the punch drunk old football players. And I can see the point that headhunting, while perhaps entertaining, is a dangerous practice. While I think nothing is a true sport without a real threat of death, I understand wanting to protect the players and to teach youth better hitting practices. But as they start enforcing rules like this more rigidly they create an environment in which players begin to grow afraid of hitting. Ed Reed is not a headhunter. He doesn't even have a reputation as a dirty hitter. And the three offenses stretch over 3 seasons. This is why his appeal of the suspension was effective (he'll get to play, he'll just have to pay a $50,000 fine). But he shouldn't have to waste time on bullshit like this. Especially because let's be honest, he's just trying to tackle and receivers turn in mid air, get at crazy angles at high speed and often it's impossible to know where their head's gonna be, much less to be able to avoid it while you're also running at top speed to keep up. So of course this rule is really to make sure more receivers catch the ball to score more points.

I know the NFL is starting to try and run its games like an industry. Hinder the defense more, favor the offense they score more TD's and more people watch, they make more money, so on. Just like a couple weeks ago when they fined Baltimore for not putting Ed Reed on its list of possible injured players, a list which seemingly has no benefit to anybody but gamblers as to list everybody with some sort of an injury on a football team 11 weeks in is about as revealing to opposing coaches as listing everybody who might have exhibited some flu-like symptoms would be to an HR department. Some motherfuckers will call in sick, some won't; some will play all season with a torn labrum and others will be perfect and then take one bad hit, break their forearm and be out for the rest of the season.

But the interesting thing about these two bullshit league penalties against the Ravens organization - they're both centered on Ed Reed. Why? What's got their panties in such a bunch?

It's the fact that he's old school. Baltimore, for all intents and purposes, is old school. It's rough and tumble, with an ugly quarterback and even uglier wins. They hit HARD. It's not all this pretty-boy twirling ballerina QB bullshit, not cover-boys Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers. Every game is a slugfest. And Ed Reed, at 34, is a living OG from before all these enhanced receiver rules and hitting fines, from back when the league hadn't tried to start marketing itself to gentrified suburban fathers and conservative mothers who write angry letters when a pop star flashes a middle finger during a halftime show.

Ed Reed and Baltimore scare the NFL. That's why in spite of an 8 and 2 record, including wins over the Patriots, the Steelers, and, in fact, their whole division, Baltimore still gets no respect. Because Bernard Pollard lays motherfuckers out. And Ed Reed's been playing since half the league was in pee wee football and still can ring a bell. And that's been the Ravens' modus operandi since they landed in Baltimore.

And all y'all pussy motherfuckers can talk shit and sit back and wag your fingers, saying football should be safer. But I ask you, then, what about coal mines? What about oil rigs? What about other high risk jobs that don't pay even a tenth as good as being a pro football player - should they soften those up too? I think so; hell, these guys risk their lives for peanuts. So where are the huge fines for death and dismemberment and shortened lives for those workers? Where are the half a million a head fees for men killed in a mine collapse? The recent payment from BP is just now getting charged for an explosion that happened 2 years ago, destroyed a region already struggling to recover, and killed 11 people. And that money is going to the environment, not the victims' families.

But seriously, wanna take violence out of football? Why not take violence out of action movies. Instead of epic battles have everybody talk out their differences and come to an understanding. And we can fine reality shows for disgusting incidents of drunken bad girls hitting each other. And instead of people ever saying what they really mean, we can simply always think of what would be the most passive way to express ourselves and avoid confrontation (they've been doing it in L.A. for years). And, yes, fine and punish defensive players so much that they're afraid to hit so those pretty boy throwers and fancy-dancing catchers can do more of their point racking up and reception gloating.

But I warn you, as you gentrify football more and more, there will come a time when Americans, finally (hopefully) remembering the values of toughness and competition which made us great, will switch the channel to greater battles. To sports with harder hits and more risks (extreme sports come to mind). And then the NFL will have to scramble to put in arena league rules. And then it'll truly be over.

- Ryan

Lock-Street Week 11 11.18

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) vs. Detroit Lions


Bring your popcorn and get ready for the fireworks. This game should be enjoyable with such all-stars as Aaron Rodgers, Matt Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Ndamukong Suh, Clay Matthews, and Charles Woodson. Well, actually Matthews is out and Jennings and Woodson are severely hobbled, but they still have play makers like the rising Randall ‘Corn’ Cobb

The Packers should be well rested after coming off a bye week. Aaron Rodgers has been on fire recently as the Cheeseheads have won the last 4 straight. Over these games, Rodgers threw for 1084 yards, 14 TD’s and 1 pick. He also has 54 yards rushing which, while it looks meek, is good for a pocket QB. Also, let’s add the fact that his Rating for the year is 107.4. NO BIG DEAL. Sure the Lions have Matthew Stafford who's finally playing up to his potential (averaging 307 ypg over the last 4 and totaling 7 TD’s to 3 picks) and Calvin Johnson who had a monster games last week with 207 yards and 1 TD. But they still have more holes than the Packers. Plus, Calvin Johnson suffered nerve damage that apparently affects his ability to grasp a ball so should be interesting to see how that progresses. The guy only has 2 TD’s this entire year. Crazy.

Both defenses have weapons, but it takes more to hinder Rodgers than Stafford. The human plows of Suh, Vanden Bosch, Tulloch, and Avril strike fear in most grown ass men, but will not faze Rodgers. He'll be Discount Double-Checking all over the place. Clay Mathews is hurt and Woodson is questionable so Raji and Hawk might not be enough to stop the silver and blue. That said, this game goes green, like the states of Colorado and Washington.

New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts (o 54)


Look, we all know this is an absurd over and it's difficult to hit. But you’re looking at the highest scoring offense in the league (The Brady Bunch) vs. an offense who's finally coming into its own with the most hyped rookie in NFL history.


Andrew Luck ranks 8th in the league in yardage and has thrown more TD’s then interceptions. A few weeks ago he had a monster game and broke the record for most yards in a game by a rookie, 433. Oh, and just because he's white, it doesn’t mean he can’t run. The kid has run for 159 yards and 5 TD’s. Can someone say Joe Montana? Reggie Wayne has been drinking the same Kool Aid as Ray Lewis and Tony Gonzalez, becoming ageless by averaging the second most ypg in the NFL.


Now what about the offensive juggernauts? The Pats lead the league in yards per game and the most points. (430.3 ypg and 33.2 ppg). Gronk is back and ready to cut a rug all over the endzone. Welker, even after the whole offseason debacle and being thrown to the wolves at the beginning of the year has come on strong, leading the team in receiving yds, 810. Finally, after years of playing with RB’s who do nothing more than not fuck-up, they might have their best rusher in ages in Ridley (6 TDs and 814 yards).


Both defenses are overall abysmal and while the Colts have held their last four opponents to an average of 14 points, these teams reek of mediocrity (Cleveland, Tennessee, Miami, and Jacksonville). If you add the team’s defensive yards allowed per game, you would come up with the astronomical number of 736 yards. That should be more than enough for Brady and Luck to make it rain all over Gillette Stadium. The Patriots are a pathetic 29th in opponent passing defense and middle-of-the-pack 9th in opponent rushing. The Colts are 15th in opponent passing and 22nd in opponent rushing. Even with such defensive players as Devin McCourty, Vince Wilfork, Jerod Mayo, and the newly acquired Aqib Talib, the Patriots will give up yards. On the other side, Brady's too good and quick to allow Freeney, Freeman, and Bethea to affect him. Boom, defenses are toast.

Chicago Bears vs. The San Francisco 49’s (-5)


This game has now been deemed the Concussion Bowl as both starting QB’s suffered concussions last week. In actuality this is going to be a great game either way, with two of the top defenses in the league going at it, and I mean Dirk Diggler style. Well, that is if you like barn burners.

What else can you say about a Bears team that has a better chance to win a game if their QB kneels on the ball on every down? It’s amazing what they've done this season. The 49’s have said that their boy toy, Alex Smith, will be playing but who fucking knows. I feel like the NFL’s policies on concussions are more lenient than they say. This game could be a huge showdown between Colin Kaepernick (Niners) vs. journeyman Jason Campbell (Bears)… Wow. I guess between those two you have to go with veteran Jason Campbell. Lesser of two evils.


This is going to be a game between the defenses' ability to force turnovers and will be defined offensively by Frank Gore and Matt Forte. The issue is that the Niners have allowed 1.4 yards per rush since the beginning of last season and are averaging 170/game on the ground offensively. Sorry Chicago, the Niners win the rushing match-up and thus Da GAME.


Record


Week 10

2-1


Week 9

1-2

Week 8



1-2



Week 7



2-1

Week 6



1-2



Week 5



1-2



Week 4





3-0



Week 3





2-1



Week 2



1-2



Week 1





0-1



LOCK STREET TOTAL RECORD



14-15

Petraeus: Why We Need to Give a Pass To our Philandering Leaders

"If Ben Franklin and Tom Jefferson had been nickeled and dimed to death by lawyers and bimbos and preachers, we might still be some kind of rich and stolid British colony like Canada — or just another continuous new-worid experiment in mutated democratic giantism like Brazil. Ben's lechery made even the French nervous, and Jefferson was known to have an overweening affection for his slaves." – Hunter S. Thompson, GENERATION OF SWINE

*

Philandering leaders are as American as apple pie and freedom. The fact that our country has sunk to such a low that we view extra-marital affairs as a perfectly sane reason for vilifying a decorated and well-regarded general is just another example of how our nation is slowly sinking backwards into the European aristocratic bullshit it was founded to rebel against.

JFK banged everybody from Marilyn Monroe to half the White House intern pool and even other government officials' wives. FDR was trapped in his wheelchair yet still managed to bang his cousin on the regular while his wife was off entertaining the love that dare not speak its name. And if you went back to the 19th century and before you'd be hard-pressed to find a President who didn't have more than a few dalliances on the side.

But let's look at it from another angle, in the light of the prehistoric military law against extra-marital affairs that everybody's saying could result in a court martial for Petraeus (though that's, thankfully, unlikely).  Supreme Commander Allied (Expeditionary) Force of the North African Theater of Operations   Eisenhower (that being his title at the end of the war, after already rising through the standard denotations of General and Commanding General of the European Theater) was banging Kay Summersby, his personal driver and later secretary, while winning the last great war. Elsewhere, superhero Patton was busy diddling his wife's step-niece and MacArthur was having his way with a Filipina movie star. 

Basically, the whole dream team that won WWII was really just a bunch of brilliant, hard-nosed philanderers. Imagine how stoked Hitler would have been if we'd decided the extra-marital proclivities of FDR, Eisenhower, Patton, and MacArthur had been more important than their acumen for leadership during the tough times. 

And now everybody in America is all up in arms about this Petraeus banging his biographer business, so much that it's expanding to NATO commanders and beyond. Grow up, people. Seriously? What the fuck does the sex lives of our leaders have to do with their ability to lead us? It's bourgeois conservative bullshit like this which is literally killing what made America great. We've become so obsessed with voyeurism and, even more, with judging public figures, so concerned with lifestyles and bible-based morality that we assign absurd importance to details which have none. I don't care if a General or a President has sex with half the single 18 and over female population in the country. I just want them to be a good leader. 

You know who was one of the most respectable, All-American leaders we've ever had? Who exuded sobriety and fidelity and smacked of good 'ol protestant morals? George W. Bush. And we saw how that worked out.

For the record I've never cheated on my wife. I've actually only ever cheated on one girl one time, 12 years ago and the girl I cheated on was most likely cheating on me with half of Colorado so there. I believe that there's a certain level of egocentrism and downright dishonesty in cheating on the person who's supposed to be your life partner, especially if that cheating is a full-blown long term affair (I'd be a fool and an asshole to pretend that one slip-up's the same as an ongoing tryst on the side).  But I have no idea how Petraeus cheating on his old, fat wife (she's gotta weigh more than him) with the smokin' young Harvard Grad and Army Reserve member Paula Broadwell is any of my business. To be honest, I think were we to stop all this moral fire and brimstone and look at it objectively, not only should we be applauding Petraeus, we should be pushing him and this smart, hardbodied reservist to procreate - imagine the supersoldier that would come out of that coupling? That, my friends, is evolution in action.

But in the end, it comes down to the simple fact that socially conservative Americans apparently have too much free time. When you have too much free time and a bible-based idea of right and wrong, which includes a belief that it's your God-given duty to expose and prosecute any immoral activities, you can go poking around in people's private lives and getting indignant about indiscretions that are, quite frankly, none of our business. How is it that these bible-based morality laws, instead of becoming weaker as more and more Americans discover they're bullshit, are becoming stronger? Is it the fear of Religious wackjobs or the fact that the Republican party is coming to depend on the religious right more and more as the only consistent constituency thanks to anti-homo and pro-life stances? Why do we think a good leader should also be a good person? Let's look at what makes a good leader:

• Decisiveness
• A firm grasp of logic
• A concept of justice
• Strength
• Ability to handle multiple things at once 
• Ability to delegate and trust your underlings

So let's look at this scenario

Just look at that admiration from the front row

• He was able to weight the facts - frumpy old woman who's tired of hearing his war stories or beautiful young woman who stares at him in admiration (as in this picture - just look at her in the front row)
• He's in charge of the intelligence that's keeping America safe  - that should entitle a man to special exemptions from most rules
• See above
• To keep up with a slim 20 years his junior while also waging the war on terror under two very different presidental regimes takes epic strength and some major multi-tasking skills
• He was able to trust the men who served him to be loyal enough to not interfere with his personal life

Yes, I understand that there are a few other factors at play here. Broadwell threatened a Petraeus family friend, most likely for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. And she had access to some confidential material found after the FBI raided her house, though in the days of WikiLeaks and all the millions of ways of getting information (and the fact that she, in fact, is military) that's most likely unrelated to Petraeus.  So seriously, what's this all about?

We saw the first hints of this come about during the legendary Clinton Zippergate. And then there have been all the high-profile cheating debacles of celebrities (Hugh Grant, Meg Ryan, Schwarzenegger, just to name a few) politicos (Spitzer, John Edwards come to mind) and now this Petraeus thing which every other second seems to reach to another fucking military head. And to all this I have one thing to say: STOP IT.

This bullshit prying into their personal lives like it's a goddamn episode of KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS and then using atavistic laws and customs to bring down giants of industry, politics, and entertainment is just more of the same old late 20th century American fixation with bringing down those above us. Even more, it's another example of the fact that, just like the overweight pie-baking housewife next door who likes to spend her free time snooping on the charismatic and attractive couple next door, Americans are just obsessed with everybody else's private lives because their own lives are so fucking dull, depressing, and empty. Stop it. Get a hobby. Learn a new language. Maybe take a macrame class, whatever the fuck macrame is. 

Because seriously, if America had been as puritanical when our nation first became independent
as we have become, this nation simply never would have come about. And maybe that's part of the reason we're falling into the shit-filled rut we have. Because we judge people based on their sexual fidelity more than by their accomplishments and achievements it seems; that is, a man's failures or successes as a leader rarely lead to the type of attention that comes with fidelity and, even more, a man's shitty leadership won't result in termination for years yet a girl on the side breaking gets a man fired before the hour's up. I won't condemn cheaters nor will I make excuses (though I could point to all sorts of reasons such as several million years of evolution based on mass-reproduction from the best of the species, the fact that being great takes a certain level of ego which takes the adoration of those around one and few wives have the wherewithal to give their great husbands the adoration they need after decades of marriage, etc...) because that's not my place. Like it's not yours. Judging another man for what goes on his bed, whether he's the POTUS or a janitor, is a sort of sick mental masturbation no doubt related to a person's own personal feelings of dark shame and pathetic envy.

Stop it. And leave the man alone. Let his wife chastise him. And leave his underlings alone. This farce has gone on long enough. Next thing you know they'll start upholding sodomy laws and stoning fat people as the bible commands. Because the way things are going, our Mayflower prudishness compounded by our judgmental desire to see great men fall and the envy that comes when complacency and materialism replace industry and altruism will be a cornerstone of America's fall from a nation of great men and women to a big fat swath of faithful corporate colonists.

- Ryan