MAD WORLD: A Gang War Used as a Diversion for a Prison Break

Man, those crazy Mexicans. What will they think of next. First they create wild west legends that have created a stoic image for the last 150 years. Then they settle California and turn it over to America. Then they introduce recreational marijuana smoking to the mainstream gringos north of the border. Then they form a hard drug racket with colorful narcotraficantes who make Pablo Escobar look like a small fry, inspiring everything from Mexican pop songs to television programming to laying the groundwork for our new five families (The Zetas, the Gulf Cartel, Sinaloa, the Juarez gang, the Arellano-Felix Tijuana cartel) to revolutionize the world of organized crime and no doubt provide plenty of great fodder for 21st century folk stories and whatnot.

Some people believe the US is winning the war on drugs. With Cocaine expanding in Bolivia and Peru due to the US crackdown on Columbia and the Mexican narcotraficantes growing more powerful and destructive as Calderon's soldiers tighten the screws, I'd have to disagree. But I digress. No, the Mexican drug wars are just as explosive and amazing as any sectarian violence happening in some desert on the other side of the world. But at least they've been entertaining in a sick "Holy Shit!" kinda way. Quite the performers, los mejicanos, right?

Well, always looking to please, just a few days ago a prison riot hit that could rival the most imaginative crime scenarios. Because the riot wasn't just a riot. The 44 people killed were all members of the Gulf Cartel. And the riot turned out to be a diversion for the 30 or so members of the Gulf Cartel's rival Zetas to escape prison. A little history - the Zetas started as the strong-arms for hire by the Gulf Cartel, crazy ex-militarios and policia looking for something better than the pitiful Mexican military/police paycheck. Then the Zetas broke off on their own, essentially taking the heft of the Gulf Cartel's muscle. This spawned a brutal rivalry. Ensuring this is just one of many such vicious battles. A gang fight/massacre that leads to a prison break? You can't script this shit.

- Ryan

5 Flicks from 2011 You Must Watch or Die

Now that the Oscars are over and you’ve Netflixed THEARTIST, there are a few other movies you might not have seen which you really need to check out (and yes, these were all nominated for something but still nobody paid them any attention):

50/50

Somehow these guys have made cancer funny. And somehow they’ve made funny heartfelt. And somehow they’ve made heartfelt real. And somehow they’ve made reality funny. And so on. Other than the off-putting fact that JosephGordon Levitt lives in cities with weak public transportation systems and doesn’t drive, this movie is phenomenal and needs to get some play in your home screening room.

THE SKIN I LIVE IN
Pedro Almoldovar has “twisted mindfuck” down pat. All his movies revolve around psychosexual disorders, tragic or at least graphic death, questioning of identity and Antonio Banderas. This movie is so brilliant, beautiful, and thought-provoking, an essay about our identity and sexuality in this increasingly godless and rule-less world and I guarantee it’ll give you weird ass dreams for at least a few nights.

RISE OF THE PLANET OFTHE APES

I’m kinda of a movie snob. Not that I can’t enjoy a good action flick but you will never catch me at some effects-laden TRANSFORMERS/2012/BIGBUDGETBULLSHIT movie. That being said, the effects in this flick were solid but not overdone; anything starring Serkis is fucking great; and the storyline not only makes talking monkeys somehow believable, it does a brilliant job of setting up the seminal Charlton Heston movie.

 CEDAR RAPIDS

This movie is fucking hilarious. Seriously, from John C.Reilly’s over the top party boy to Ed Helms and the “Oscars for the average man” setting of a regional Insurance sales award – just all-around nails it. The fact that Helms transforms from a small town guy having a pathetic affair with his middle-age divorcee "just looking for a good time" grade school teacher (played by pitch-perfect Sigourney Weaver) to a crack-smoking wild man over a weekend of corruption and cheap hotel rooms – just too good to pass up. Oh yeah, and Isiah Witlock's dry humor, including his ironic-because-he-was-a-character-in-it love of THE WIRE is just icing on the cake.

ATTACK THE BLOCK – A London street gang protects their block from Aliens. Cockney-cool violence that would make Guy Ritchie jealous ensues. Nuff said.

 So while you hurry to watch Jean Dujardin pantomime his emotions and George Clooney brilliantly telecast his own, and maybe even see what it would be like traveling back to the Lost Generation, either as a greatwriter or a mechanically-inclined orphan, you should add the 5 above flicks to your list of things to see. Because often the Oscars miss some damn good movies. Don’t make the same mistake as Oscar or you could end up a decrepit green tuft of mold living in a garbage can because you lost your legs to gangrene from shooting heroin into them when you should have been watching good movies instead of the gold statue you were meant to be. And that would be a damn shame.

- Ryan

EPIC TIMEKILLER: The Future of TV and Sports Combined

I already rambled on about how extreme sports are the future of athletics. And everybody's been ranting about online networks. Hell, I know a few heads who've dropped their cable, have nothing more than an Internet connection and a Roku and are perfectly satisfied. No more hours wasted watching the crap networks try to shove down our throats. Watch the premium shit on HBO and Sho.com; the cable networks on their independent websites and then of course there's Hulu. And for action sports freaks like myself, who'd rather spend all day at work watching snow, skate and surf videos than random home videos of people lip-synching pop hits, there's Network A. Check it out, make your day a bit more extreme and escape the fuckin' cubicle.

- Ryan

How the Oscars Can Win You Money and Conjugal Favors, Pt. 2

Continued from Part 1, the below-the-line and screenplay Oscars.

Now we’re getting down to the big show, the categories everybody knows, loves, watches for.

America is a voyeur culture. And nobody feeds our addiction better than celebrities. We’ve seen some of them naked. We’ve seen all of them at their most vulnerable. We’ve seen them laugh and cry. Sure, that was all in movies but the thing is, they’re good enough at their trade that we feel like we ACTUALLY saw them doing those things. It’s beautiful.

Even more, due to the explosion of tabloids, we not only know what they do on the silver screen but we know how they look in sweatpants without makeup, know who they’re dating, know what their favorite drinks are, what their pets are named; sometimes we even know what their homes look like, pouring over pictures of their kids fresh out of the incubator and eyewitness photos of their weddings.

In some ways, as we Americans learn to conduct whole relationships via virtual avenues, social networking sites and whatnot, it has become easier to see these famous folks, whose Twitter feeds people follow and whose public statements we devour, as something resembling “friends”.

And hell, I feel no emotion unless I’m watching a movie. Hell, I was blubbering like a baby for a good 1/3^rd of EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE. So without further ado, part 2 of the Oscars lineup, the actors/actresses, directors, and the 10 "Best Movies" of the year - as well as the 1 winner.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: OCTAVIA SPENCER

My dad didn’t want to watch THE HELP because he thought it would be a chick flick. And yes, there are a lot of chicks. But in no way is this a chick flick. For most of the girls there is no happy ending with some hulking but misunderstood beau. In fact, for 2 of the main characters the end means finally leaving the assholes they’ve been with. Even more, this isn’t about girl power. It’s about racial equality. About how horrible southern whites were, especially the insane “Separate But Equal” housewives in Mississippi. And in spite of this heavy subject matter, which is smattered with unhappy relationships and occasional abuse, there was a vein of comic levity running through the whole damn thing powered by none other than this beautifully bug-eyed big mama herself, Octavia Spencer.

Berenice Bejo was certainly cute and did a damn good job tapping her inner flapper but often she felt like just another prop in THE ARTIST. Jessica Chastain was wild and kooky, or whatever, in THE HELP but there’s no way she’ll beat the woman who taught her how to cook and clean in the movie, Octavia. It’s huge that Melissa McCarthy was nominated – not only because she’s a, ahem, “full-figured” white woman but also because she’s in a raunchy comedy – this may open the way for Danny McBride winning an Oscar someday, right? And Janet McTeer did a good job as the cross-dressing friend in ALBERT NOBB but rarely do first-time nominees get the statue and certainly not for a role as understated as hers.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Admittedly, I didn’t see this film, BEGINNERS. But it’s about a man who comes out of the closet late in life and explores his homosexuality when most others are perfecting their golf swing.  Oh yeah, and he’s taken this young gay lover because he’s terminally ill. This role is certainly a meaty one. Christopher Plummer is a great actor. And he’s been in movies since 1953 and never won an Oscar. And he swept all the other awards (Globes, SAG awards, BAFTAS).

Kenneth Branagh is good but his role in MY WEEK WITH MARILYN was so small and relatively unimportant, it seems he was nominated simply as a gesture to his long history as being a great actor (and, again, this is the year of Hollywood patting itself on the back). Jonah Hill’s gonna have to play a lot of emotional roles before anybody gives him an Oscar; he certainly won’t do it as a solid sidekick like in MONEYBALL. WARRIOR got all sorts of early Oscar whispers which fizzled out once the arty flicks sprouted up. Still, they had to give it something and certainly Nolte was the best. As for Von Sydow in EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE, I didn’t feel like his role was that great. He just walks around silent and shows emotion through his eyes and gestures and “Yes” and “No” tattoed in his palm? Ehhh. This is not only a nod to this terrific September 11^th movie, which probably won’t win anything, but also to that whole “silent” thing running through HUGO and ARTIST. If anybody, that kid shoulda been nominated but then again maybe he’s just naturally disaffected and mentally unstable, in which case he wasn’t really acting.

Finally, the THREE POINTERS, the ones that can make or break your Oscar ballot if you assigns point values to the categories, 1 for the unknowns to 3 for the categories you should be on top of.

BEST ACTRESS: VIOLA DAVIS

This is the year of THE HELP. And Viola was certainly the strongest character, acting with a fierce silence that belied all the pent-up frustrations and failures that defined her life amidst America’s passive/aggressive 60’s racism.Especially when you see how she normally looks, the transformation to a put-upon, dumpy rural southern girl is nothing short of fucking huge.

Rooney Mara was good in GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO but the role gave little room for showing off her range – she had to be stone cold throughout and, honestly, Noomi Rapace in the original Swedish version did a better job. Plus Mara's family’s team won the Super Bowl so they’ve had enough good fortune for the year. Michelle Williams did damn good in MY WEEK WITH MARILYN, channeling the archetype of every boy’s wet dream but I feel like they gave her the Golden Globe so they didn’t have to give her the Oscar. Meryl Streep was amazing in IRON LADY but she’s already won so many times (and they gave her the Golden Globe for drama as well) I can’t see them awarding it to her (though you can never count Streep out). If anybody will beat Viola it’s Glenn Close who plays a woman who dresses like a man in ALBERT NOBBS. While I have often thought in certain roles Glenn Close naturally looked rather mannish (WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP showed me she’s truly a female version of a hybrid between John Lithgow and Robin Williams), in this movie she does it on purpose, tackling the currently hot issue of cross-dressing (and the bigger gender equality issues brought up by the movie); also, she’s been nominated 5 times for an Oscar but never won so it might just be her time, politically.

BEST ACTOR: GEORGE CLOONEY

George Clooney is Hollywood’s favorite leading man. Like a well-oiled baseball mitt, he just feels good, strong, American. It’s the old schtick, “men want to be him, women want to be with him.” Not to say he’s not a good actor; quite the opposite, he’s a pretty amazing actor. He’s been nominated once a year for the last few years for the Best Actor Oscar. And the women who act opposite him are nominated for Oscars. And sometimes they even win. It’s no coincidence. Like a good teamplayer, he elevates the game of everybody around him. In THE DESCENDANTS, he must have inspired groundbreaking performances from his young co-stars because both Shailene Woodley and the other girl were unreal. The role is such a subtle mindfuck that his ability to convey this perfect storm of emotions is truly phenomenal: jealousy, hatred, sadness, fear, confusion, regret. All of these were painted across his face, occasionally all at the same time, and yet he did it so effortlessly, so without grandstanding you almost didn’t notice it.

Dujardin was good in THE ACTOR, showing how a man can go from greatness to rock bottom in this fickle and ever-changing business, but many think he got the BAFTA and the SAG award so they could give Clooney his much-deserved first Lead Actor Oscar. Demian Bichir plays a Mexican in this remake of THE BICYCLE THIEF, entitled now A BETTER LIFE, and the Academy has not yet shown much love for the Illegal Immigrant plight. Also it's just an annoying movie all around. Gary Oldman is a great actor but TINKER TAILOR just isn’t that deep of a role. Though the John LeCarre novel was one of my favorites as a kid. And Brad Pitt was much better in plenty of movies than in MONEYBALL, a movie and role included, most likely, because it’s the most commercial of the bunch.

BEST DIRECTOR: MIKE HAZANAVICIUS

Hazanavicius said plenty of times the THE ARTIST is his love letter to Hollywood and Hollywood’s not gauche enough not to return in kind. Because it is. But the risks he must have taken in making this movie. I’m gonna shoot in black and white. It’ll be a silent film. Oh yeah, and the only known actor’s gonna be John Goodman in an ancillary role. He’ll have less dialogue than a dog, which will actually be the first supporting actor. I could imagine the looks of utter fear and confusion from the execs as Hazanavicius explained his vision. But yet it got made. And for making this risky movie and imbuing with some of the most unique stylization I’ve ever seen, he deserves it.

Woody Allen will probably get the screenplay Oscar for MIDNIGHT IN PARIS and that’s enough. Terrence Malick’s TREE OF LIFE is as arty as the Oscars is comfortable getting but it’s certainly not understandable by the average viewer, which I think is a big part of the Best Director Oscar. As I said before, Payne will probably win for THE DESCENDANTS the screenplay but his movie, while solid, wasn’t stylized enough (versus Malick’s which you could argue was all style over substance). And HUGO, while a great flick, isn’t gonna win. They just won’t give it to a kid’s flick’s director, especially if it's Scorcese who swept the Oscars just a few years ago.

Which brings me to the final category:

BEST PICTURE

Let’s do this different. Let’s go backwards, drumroll please and all that jazz. Yes, build to a final deafening crescendo and announce the movie you’ll all go Netflix on Monday.

It won’t be WAR HORSE. The movie is moving but there’s no real character development and the main character’s a horse. People like to see themselves. Also, what’s with the milksop wife and the weird sunset at the end?Annoying.

It won’t be THE TREE OF LIFE. As Kyle told me, it’s arty, maybe a bit too much for him. My wife hated it. I loved it because all the animal footage reminded me of PLANET EARTH and I liked how Malick used imagery to stand in for just straight up saying “hey, this is about the history of man, life, and death.” But there’s not really any plot and even more, the average American watches this movie and goes “what the fuck is this?”

It won’t be MONEYBALL. A solid movie but it’s pretty by the book. Very entertaining and one of my favorite flicks of the year (which is saying a lot since I hate sports movies) but it’s nothing groundbreaking and that’s always what they look for in this award.

It won’t be MIDNIGHT IN PARIS for reasons I’ve expounded on enough previously. Sorry Woody. Hope that whole marrying your daughter thing’s still working out. Keep up the European exile, it’s been great. And if not my favorite of the year, in the top 3.

HUGO won’t win because, again, it’s a kid’s movie. And it’s cute and whimsical but a lot of people have trouble looking at it as anything but a live-action comic cartoon, in spite of all its deep explorations of orphandom, WWI, Paris life, and, again, Hollywood’s illustrious history.

THE HELP won’t win. It swept the actress Oscars but it wasn’t shot and structured any special way and even more, it was a character piece with the plot as vehicle through the characters versus the other way more conducive to Best Picture awards.

EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE won’t win. The performances hardly garnered a whisper (other than von Sydow). Hollywood still doesn’t know how to approach September 11^th. Emotional, tugs on the heart strings, sure, but this just hasn’t gotten the buzz and attention needed to win.

By now you know what's gonna happen. THE DESCENDANTS won’t win. I’ve explained why before. A great movie but it just won’t. A damn shame because when it comes to emotionally-charged flicks, as well as family comedy, as well as coming of age, all of that - hell, when it just comes to favorite movies this may arguably be my favorite film of 2011. But for this competition, though, it won't get best picture. My predicted winner is just too unique, too revolutionary and at the same time too hip-ly retro. And it has all the momentum.

THE ARTIST will win Best Picture. It’s a celebration of the history of this amazing industry, of an art form and a world that literally grew out of nothing in the last hundred years. And through that tumult and evolution, a lot of people were lifted to great heights and almost as quickly dashed down to rock bottom. Hollywood’s fickle, a place where dreams are made and destroyed (and more often the latter than the former). But in spite of all the bullshit and the depths towards which a dashed soul can sink, there’s still this redeeming factor to the town and the business that makes it okay. The happy ending. The loyalty which runs through this industry greater than almost any other I’ve ever seen. I mean, this right here is the essence. Peel back all the marketing schemes and test markets and executives and buyouts, there remains one shining difference between Hollywood and everything else: it’s a complex money-power mechanism to make the highest art. And this is a celebration of that.

So there you have it.

Mark down all the answers above and from Wednesday and challenge somebody who’s not in the know to a little gamble. And again, unlike other games, this time you can get the girls involved, trade for “services rendered”, oral agreements and whatnot. Like Kyle always says when doing Lock-Street, none of this is 100%. But it’s about as damn close as you can get.

And hell, it might just make the Oscars worth watching this year. At least that horrible Anne Hathaway won't be hosting again.

Oh yeah, and maybe you'll need a tie-breaker if they know the movies themselves, right? Okay, so why don't you both put down whatever you think the movie with the most Oscars will be and give the number. (THE ARTIST, 4). Or you can predict who gets the loudest applause during the dead people celebration (either Elizabeth Taylor or Sidney Lumet)

- Ryan

How the Oscars Can Win You Money and Conjugal Favors, Pt. 1

The Oscars are fucking weird. I literally live in Hollywood and technically work in “Hollywood” and I can admit that. I mean, we can talk all we want about how the Academy Awards are artistic, about how they’re meant to honor people who inspire us, make us feel, laugh, cry, all that shit but in the end it’s little more than a job award ceremony, on par in some ways to the Lansing Regional Chamber’s Annual Celebration of Regional Growth for Businesses or the Dundies (below).

Of course this is a gross simplification. None of us could name the fastest growing businesses in Lansing but we all know, have seen, or at least heard of the movies, actors, and directors nominated for Oscars. So one reason it's relevant is that we know what they're talking about, kinda. Also, where besides the Oscars telecast do us mere mortals get to see the people we so envy laughing at themselves and sitting in seats watching a show like normal people? Where else do we get to see the women we lust after wearing tight dresses that actually make us appreciate fashion if only because they show us what a couple thousand dollar dress can do to a woman’s figure?

At the same time, it’s just a jobs awards ceremony. Sometimes it reflects our general society at large (TITANIC winning Best Picture and, like, every other award) and sometimes it doesn’t (CRASH winning Best Picture ). But the people getting up there and crying about their dreams coming true, about everybody who made this possible, “You like me! You really like me!” looks a bit silly if you think too deeply about it. Thus the reason the Oscar ratings have been dropping each year. Thus the reason James Franco (over-achieving punk that he is) nailed it on the head by blazing through last year's ceremony with an aloof grin as if to say “dude, we’re just giving out little gold statues to our buddies, let’s not pretend that we’re saving the world.”And Anne Hathaway crashed and burned with her OCD "I'm so nervous" thing, ruining me for any Anne Hathaway movie ever again.

But I digress. No, the Oscars are big and if I won one I’d probably be pretty damn overwhelmed too, if only because I’d be looking down on all the people I’ve looked up to for most of my life. But there’s another reason why you, as a man, should pay attention to this year. The Academy Awards is the only legitimate co-ed betting event around. And co-ed betting opens the field up for benefits your bros just can't provide.

My wife recently started watching and betting on football but a year or two ago I still had to explain basic rules like interference and touchbacks. Most women don’t gamble on sports. See it as barbaric. Don’t understand the difference between Field Goals in football and Field Goals in basketball and 3-pointers and how a person can get part of a tackle or what constitutes a completion or what's an RBI versus a homerun and so on. But I guarantee they’re gonna watch the Oscars and they'll understand what every field means.

Which brings a whole new twist to the awards. Maybe you don’t care about which movie you haven’t seen wins some award you don’t care about bestowed by a bunch of people you don’t know. But if you have a month of BJ Alarm Clocks on the line, suddenly you’re jumping up and down and cheering for Viola Davis (Best Actress Frontrunner). But how the hell are you supposed to have any idea who to vote for when the only movie you've seen that's nominated for all the big awards is MONEYBALL? Through this Oscar guide, goddammit.

But it’s tricky. First off, I would be surprised if more than a few hundred people have watched all of the nominated works in their entirety. It would just be impossible to do that while keeping up with the money-making shit we all have to watch in this business and, like, having any sort of life. So there’s a certain amount of politics that play (The Coen Brothers winning for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN because they were slighted when FARGO was nominated all those years ago; Denzel winning for TRAINING DAY when he should’ve won before for MALCOLM X – side note, the previous year the Academy had come under fire for not being down with the African American community) when it comes to Oscars, especially the big ones.

Also there’s a theme every year. With all the attention given to HUGO, THE ARTIST, and MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (more writerly love than Hollywood but still, about entertainment artists), as well as director flicks (read: movies that directors drool over for reasons of how much fun they can or did have making them) like TREE OF LIFE, THE DESCENDANTS, and WAR HORSE, as well as the return of Billy Crystal, the theme is simple: Hollywood’s giving itself a pat on the back for over a century of amazing, inspirational and excitingly glamorous history.

So, that being said, let’s do the damn thing. First things first, print this Oscar Nominees sheet. It's good to assign point values to the Oscars, too. I mean seriously, unless you’re actively working in producing movies, you’re not really gonna know who the champs are in the production awards (Editing, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, etc . . .). And unless you work in certain parts of the industry AND spend a lot of time overseas, you won’t be able to be able to rate all the Animated Shorts, Live Action Shorts, Documentary Shorts, and Foreign Films. So assign these all 1 point.

To run it down, I’d suggest the following based on who won the awards for their various guilds or what’s gotten the most buzz (since, admittedly, even I can’t tell a lot of these apart merely by watching):

SOUND EDITING: WAR HORSE

SOUND MIXING: HUGO

EDITING: THE ARTIST

COSTUME DESIGN: JANE EYRE (though there’s also a chance of ANONYMOUS winning – it’s always a period piece)

CINEMATOGRAPHY: TREE OF LIFE

ART DIRECTION: THE ARTIST

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (John Williams is the champion of this category – this year he was nominated twice and over his career he’s been nominated 41 times with 5 wins. He hasn’t won since ’94, for SCHNIDLER’S LIST – and this won a Sound Guild Award)

BEST MAKEUP: THE IRON LADY

LIVE ACTION SHORT: THE SHORE

ANIMATED SHORT: FANTASTIC FLYING BOOKS OF MR. MORRIS LESSMORE

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: HARRY POTTER (they gotta win something)

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: SAVING FACE (Documentaries all about modern issues – this is about men who throw acid in their wives faces in Pakistan and the plastic surgeon who fixes them – girl power)

BEST DOCUMENTARY: HELL AND BACK AGAIN (the story of how a bullet affects the life of one soldier coming home to NC from Afghanistan with PTSD, shot by embedded journalist Danfung Dennis)

BEST FOREIGN FILM:  A SEPARATION (The Middle East is huge and an Iranian win, at this time, with the possibility of Iranian-American conflict – that kicks it up a notch. Also this won the Golden Globe)

BEST ANIMATED FILM: RANGO (PUSS N' BOOTS did dismal, KUNG FU PANDA 2 is a lackluster sequel, the other two are just there to make it interesting)

Which brings us to the 2-pointers: the Screenplay awards and Supporting Actor awards.

(2 POINTERS...get it?)

 When it comes to screenplays, this is a part of films most people outside Hollywood don’t really know about. Growing up I always assumed that the director wrote the movie. Then I figured out that wasn’t the case but, seriously, how much do we really know about the screenplay? A Hollywood screenplay is at best the backbone of the film. In some cases, like JUNO, it can add some funky uniqueness via snappy repartee and hipster lingo. In others, like GOOD WILL HUNTING, it’s the beauty of the story and the way it was wound together, the macro instead of the micro. It can also be a way to award a film that might be deserving of a Best Picture Oscar but, alas, just isn’t gonna win. But usually it gets buried under director's vision and actor's ambition. A screenplay is really more of a jumping off point. 

And to make it even more complicated, we got two categories: Best Adapted Screenplay (a movie taken from a book, another movie, or, occasionally, from a graphic novel – daunting when you imagine turning 300 or 400 pages of prose into 120 pages or less of strangely-spaced dialogue and direction) and Best Original Screenplay. Most years the Best Picture is based on an adapted screenplay as it is usually through the novel genre that storytellers are most invited to break the status quo and tell new stories. Just look at the last 5 years: KING'S SPEECH in 2011, HURT LOCKER (while not a book, it was based on Mark Boal's experiences as a war journalist and in fact the idea came from Kathryn Bigelow adapting one of Boal's Playboy articles into a TV series a few years before) in 2010, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE in 2009, NO COUNTRY in '08, THE DEPARTED in '07 (not based on a book but adapted, in this case from a Hong Kong crime movie), and so on.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: THE DESCENDANTS

THE DESCENDANTS is an amazing movie, perhaps my favorite of the year. But there’s no way it’ll win Best Picture or even Best Director. The Academy knows this.

Also, the writers (director Alexander Payne and comedy actors Nat Faxon and Jim Rash) do a great job of making every scene literally an emotional tug of war between anger, sadness, and fear.

MONEYBALL is good but didn’t necessarily have a tough story to capture. IDES OF MARCH hasn’t gotten much buzz and wasn’t much different from PRIMARY COLORS except more fictional. TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY is an old-ass John LeCarre book and hasn’t gotten much buzz.

The only possible rival is HUGO and usually Children’s stories don’t win this category as they are considered too young to have the full spectrum of emotions necessary to make it a poignant, Oscar-worthy story. Steer the girlfriend away from HUGO, if you can.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: A MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

 

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is Woody Allen’s most successful film ever. He’s already won this category twice, in ’78 and ’87 but 25 years is long enough to open it back up to him. Just like THE DESCENDANTS he won the WGA Award this year as well. 

Some screenwriter friends of mine said they hated this movie, ranting that it was like some cheesy parade of well-known historical names which covered up a weak plot. They're also hardcore Hollywood writers for whom the idea of leaving L.A. to write novels in the beautiful city of Lights. But as a man I am extremely well-read on the man's bible, the writings of Papa Hemingway. And one of my favorite of his is A MOVEABLE FEAST. And that brilliant novel comes alive in this film. The thing they don't realize is that this isn't just a conglomeration of ex-pat luminaries, this was an ACTUAL SOCIAL GROUP of Hem, F. Scott, Picasso, sage Gertrude Stein, and original jazz man Cole Porter, all living for the cheap in Paris and looking for inspiration from the breathless life therein. And the ideas that not only are Americans gauche but that every generation seems cooler than our own are timeless for a man living in America today.

THE ARTIST, while certainly this year’s darling, doesn’t have much dialogue and so can’t really win or it'll be an insult to writers everywhere. MARGIN CALL, while one of my favorite films of the year (seriously, go see this now if you haven’t already: Zachary Quinto and Paul Bettany are pitch perfect, Stanley Tucci nails it as recently-fired risk analyst, and the story itself – look for this to be the next BOILER ROOM, popping up in college business majors’ film collections over the next few years) has generated hardly any buzz, a sign that people still don’t really want to talk about the collapse of the financial system. And A SEPARATION will win Foreign Film so that’s good enough for an Iranian film about marital problems.

BRIDESMAIDS is the possible sleeper rival. It’s a girl-powered comic romp, a statement that female-based R-rated raunchy comedies can play, as well as just a damn funny movie. Plus there’s no way that its only other nominee, the big and proud comedy “It” girl Melissa McCarthy, will win Best Supporting.

Click here for the final, big money awards: the two 2-pointer “Best Supporting”Oscars as well as the 3-pointers “Best Actor”, “Best Actress”, “Best Director”, and “Best Picture”.

- Ryan

Linning vs. Tebowing-Why God likes Jeremy more than Timmy

Linning vs. Tebowing-Why God likes Jeremy more than Timmy        

 This year, we have seen two break-out stars that survived a younger career buried under thousands of pounds of doubt to emerge into the national spotlight. There have been a lot more heralded stories such as Michael Oher coming from being homeless, and the countless pro athletes who have made it out from their shadowed drug and crime-ridden early lives to make it big in pro sports. So then why have Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin become the biggest sports stars of year?

Tebow and Lin were both railroaded by the discouraging hater train as their careers began. There were very few people that thought that either would win games on the Pro level, where the athletes are immensely better than those they played at any point in their lives. Tebow was a Heisman winner and many considered him the best college QB in history, but his motion looked like Charles Barkley’s golf swing. It was slow and ugly, causing visual pain to those who watched. Even with that, Barkley is more accurate than Tebow. Talking heads saw him as a fullback, half-back, or even a tight end; very few saw this man-child as a QB. Finally, when he had his chance at the helm, the Broncos went on a win streak supplanting his NFL career with what we know today.

Jeremy Lin has essentially been a second thought since high school, where he wasn’t really recruited; then a college that probably utilizes physicals as a coaching tool since they actually understand it (but certainly nerds aren’t good ballers); and finally he entered the NBA as an undrafted free agent that no one wanted. No one even mentioned his name at the beginning of the season. Now he’s a worldwide phenomenon, similar to Angela Doolen in the show Phenom.  So while Tebow and Lin have both shown the ability to overcome doubters, they really are very different on so many other levels. By comparing the two on more than just surface metrics, you’ll learn why Jeremy Lin’s is simply a better story.

Past-The Rise of the Planet of Tebow and Lin

Tim Tebow’s past has the making of a pro-athlete. He was a legend as far back as his high school days and a highly touted national recruit his senior year. He was a medaled high school star, winning Florida player of the year and getting a seat in the Army All-American game. After receiving such accolades, he received a scholarship to one of the top football programs in college sports and proved that overachieving could be somewhat cool.

Jeremy Lin, on the other hand, couldn’t find a scholarship and eventually went to Harvard, a school predicated upon intelligence, not athletics. I mean, even their janitors were solving complex math problems and their most renowned sport is rowing. Harvard was one of only two teams to give him a spot on their team.

While under Urban Meyer, Tebow became a starter his sophomore year where he was an All-American, Heisman Winner, and First Team all SEC. During that epic year, he set the following records:

·         UF single game QB rushing yards, 166, week 4

·         SEC season rushing touchdown record, 20

·         Career high single game rushing touchdowns, 5, Nov. 10

·         SEC season total touchdowns (passing and rushing), 55

In his second year as a full-time starter the Florida Gators won the National Championship, continuing the Tebow legacy, which was followed by a stellar senior year that added to the Tebow allure. When he graduated, at the end of his college career, Tebow held 5 NCAA, 14 Southeastern Conference, and 28 University of Florida statistical records. He was the SEC's all-time leader in career passing efficiency (176.0), completion percentage (67.1%), passing touchdown to interception ratio (5.5 to 1), rushing yards by a quarterback (2947), rushing touchdowns by players at any position (57), and total touchdowns responsible for (145). He also ranked second in career passing efficiency and third in career yards per attempt (9.33) in NCAA history. Because of this storied collegiate career, he was taken as a first rounder (25^th) pick and after barely playing his rookie season, took the starting role from Orton after the Broncos were 1-4 in his second year in the league. This was when Tebowmania hit.

Jeremy Lin was not as recognized throughout his journey.  He had a decent high school career but truly broke out his senior year, leading his team to a 32-1 record when he average 15.1 points, 7.1 assists, 6.2 rebounds and 5.0 steals. In the tradition of Lin as the real Cinderella story, his team upset nationally-ranked Mater Dei to win the CIF Division II state title. After the majority of schools asked him to walk on, he found a cozy spot with the Crimsons. Finally at a place that allowed him to shine, he made second team all-ivy his sophomore year, and in his junior year, he made 1^st team All-Ivy. During his senior year, as a team leader in a sport where 1 player is so instrumental, Hah-vahd set numerous program records including wins (21), non-conference wins (11), home wins (11) and road/neutral wins (10). Upon graduating, Lin finished his career as the first player in the history of the Ivy League to record at least 1,450 points (1,483), 450 rebounds (487), 400 assists (406) and 200 steals (225). That still didn’t get teams running to him as no one wanted to trust or believe an Ivy Leaguer was any good. 

 

After graduating, he was an undrafted free agent. After playing decently in a summer league for the Mavs, he was picked up by Golden State. After a mediocre year, he was released by the Warriors and picked up off of waivers by the Rockets, butn on Christmas Eve, he was waived. Luckily, one of the biggest franchises in sports picked him and rest is history.

So right from the start, Tebow was not as big of a surprise as Jeremy Lin. First round draft picks are suppose to start in their first few years. That is why they are paid so much. If Tebow didn’t make it, then he should be considered a HUGE bust with the likes of Ryan Leaf and Kyle Boller. From a young age, people have heard of Tebow and expected greatness. It should not be a huge surprise that he is an NFL starter. I mean come on; he was a fucking Heisman Winner. Even with an amazing senior year where Harvard received some national attention thanks to several upsets, Jeremy Lin was about as recognizable as the any of the Hanson brothers solo. In a sport that every child can play since all it requires is a rim and a ball, and with such limited openings, the fact that he came literally from nowhere is unheard of to play in a league where less than 1% of all college players actually make it. Breaking through in the NFL is not even close to the same level as making it to the League. 

Lin 1, Tebow O

Present - The Pro life

Once again, Lin and Tebow are in different worlds. Sure, the first real chance they both received with their current teams did not start well, and both started off with a 7-1 in record, but the two players couldn’t have reached stardom any differently. During his 7-1 streak, Tebow completed a mere 11.5 passes per game, completed 47.6 percent of his passes, and averaged 151.37 yards/game in those first 8 games. If you think these stats are good, then you’re as fucking stupid as George W. No, Tebow won these games due to a defense playing lights out, an offense playing to not lose the game, and a kicker who was truly sent by God. I wrote a previous article about how unimportant Tebow was to their hot streak and it’s damn true. They had all of the same players, but the defense knew that their only chance of survival is to keep games close and by doing that, they had to play like gods. Maybe Tebow is actually a pagan in that case because instead of one God I’m assuming he prayed to his team to save his ass…

Now, let’s examine how Jeremy kept the fire alive since all he does is Lin Lin Lin. The Knicks lose Amare and Carmelo. The city is in panic. The pendulum is continuing to slowly lower on the coach’s head. Gotham City might not make the playoffs and anarchy is the only thing occurring on the court. Then enters a hero the town needs and wants. Jeremy Lin comes in and leads the Knicks to a 7-1 (Now 8-1) hot streak. He started his career on a team who, without their two best players and perennial all-stars, was lacking any chance, nobody else able to offer a solution to their terrible play. So he steps up and doesn’t act as a mere contributor, but THE REASON NY hoops is on the map again. During that 7-1 streak, he averaged 24.6 points a game, 8.6 assists, and 3.5 boards. These numbers are unreal for anyone that nobody wanted or cared about. In February, he has averaged more points per game than any other player in the league. He has played lights out, shooting just around 50%, pretty damn efficient. Without Lin, the Knicks would be a damaged team relegated to looking towards next year. Linning, Linsanity, Linvisious, A True Linner is a better move than simply Tebowing.  

Future- I’m a damn Gypsy and all I see in the future is a Linner

Sorry Tebow, but all you need to do is look into the crystal ball and see how much brighter the Linshow truly is. Both are athletic enigmas. They both have size, strength, durability, and heart. The difference is simply that Lin is better at his sport then TIMMY (SOUTH PARK voice). 

 

Lin led the charge when beating such top tier playoff teams as the Lakers, The Jazz, the emerging Timberwolves, and most recently the World Champion Dallas Mavericks. He has played against all-stars and future hall of famers and doused them all with Linagic (Nothing better than forcing his name into nouns such as “magic”). Currently, the Knicks are 8-1 and are still playing without their best two players at full health.  He has been seen and scouted and still proven still to be too much to handle. Tebow, you peaked in college, which is fine, because that is better than most cops, who peaked in high school.

The Broncos beat 1 team with a winning record and that was an unprepared Steelers team in the first round of the playoffs. Besides them, they not only lost to teams with winning records, but were decimated. They lost the three other games against winning teams by a combined score of 43-131. They even lost to some teams that consisted of raw dogshit such as the Bills (14-40) and the Chiefs (3-7). Seriously, they lost 3-7 against a crappy team in a terrible division with a losing record. It was already proven during the end of the season when they went on the three game losing streak that Tebow was figured out and contained. Look to next year when he becomes extinct like the Wildcat. Lin has already been figured out but he still can't be held down. His future is bright and the NBA couldn’t be happier

Lin 2, Tebow O

Now, the final debate: who is better for their sport game?- Making it Rain

Both players add a good-guy element to leagues riddled with thugs and crazies. They both are humble and seem to have a childlike exuberance and passion that has become increasingly disassociated with pro athletes. But there is a factual answer to this that is non-debatable. Jeremy Lin is better for basketball than Tebow was for football. Tebow increased fan base, viewership, and converted many non-football fans to praying to the Sunday Gods. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he was positive for the NFL socially and financially.  Jeremy Lin has had the same affect for the NBA, but the Lin affect has traveled further than just the US. He has helped increase the international fan base of the NBA. Each game’s viewership has not only increased in the States but has gone through the roof in China. He is the first Chinese American to play in the NBA and because of this, he has become an icon not only in the US but also overseas. He actually had to ask the media to lay off his family living in Taiwan. Let me reiterate, his family in Taiwan is being hounded by the media because of him.

It’s unbelievable. He is also a man of God like Tebow but, unlike Tebow, Lin doesn’t consistently throw it in your face, vs. Tebow’s constant bible-thumping that almost became a detriment to religious belief since people got sick of hearing about it. 

There are countless purists who think the NBA is a joke due to the lack of heart, defense, travel calls, and basic fundamentals. My father is one of those, but we watched Lin take apart the reigning champs and even though he isn’t a Knicks fan or even an NBA fan, he was standing up cheering for the kid. While Tebow has captured the country, Lin has captured the world. 

Lin 3, Tebow 0

- Kyle