A Real Barbie Men Can Play With? Mattel's been Busy

Barbie. For years people have complained that she presents an unreal and unhealthy body image for women. They've said that girls playing with Barbie might grow up hating their own bodies, hating the fact that they'll never be able to combine the impossibly thin waist with the impossibly large breasts.

Of course nobody ever worries that men might grow up feeling unworthy if they can't grow muscles like G.I. Joe or fire a grappling hook laser.

And yet mothers still have been buying this doll for their daughters for years. And yet people blame men for objectifying women, say young ladies starve themselves and pluck themselves and in general spend thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to look good for men. As if it's our fault.

Here's the beautiful truth - if women spend their time trying to espouse unhealthy body types and buying funky, overpriced fashions that has nothing to do with us. No self-respecting man finds an anorexic or bulimic body hot. And if a girl asks a guy what she's wearing, he couldn't tell what designer, couldn't tell the difference between a dress or a gown. In fact, in general all men notice is HOW MUCH a girl is wearing. And, on occasion, if it accentuates certain features. Otherwise, men don't care if it comes from Prada or Forever 21.

So let's look at plastic surgery. I think I can safely say that, after the roaring 90's and the holdover 'aughts, fake tits are on their way out. Plastic surgery in general is kinda tapering off. Women with a lotta plastic surgery are creepy. Their faces no longer move when they smile. Their bodies can look freakish, alien. In a society increasingly striving for something real, something natural, genuine, something, anything for fuck's sake with a semblance of reality, bone implants or fake asses or rib removals are just creepy. And don't even get me started on the freaks like that whackjob who spent, like, $4 million trying to make herself look like a cat.

It is possible for a woman to age gracefully and as such not only are they better on the outside, they're better on the inside. Maybe a little shot or injection here or there isn't horrible, maybe some anal bleaching for the kinky ones but anything more than that, ladies, I'm sorry to say is for your benefit. If your husband doesn't like the way you look when you're 40, getting some surgery that makes you just look like a tweaked and/or smoother version of you won't help. No amount of surgery can actually roll back time. And if it's botched, if they do a bad job, god forbid. Let's just be honest. We don't make our girls play with Barbie dolls. And we certainly don't expect girls to look like Barbie dolls.

That. Being. Said. There is one girl who underwent a shit-ton of plastic surgery and now looks like an out of this worldly hot doll. In a strange way and over time this shit'll fade, sure. Even more, to look like a living Barbie doll the $800,000 worth of surgery estimated for the process seems a bit overkill. But freakish or not, you can't deny that there is something cartoonishly perfect about this insane Ukrainian, Valeria Lukyanova.

Yes, that is a real human being. I mean she's plastic; probably very plastic, but also very real. Like  SMALL WONDER.Or Michael Jackson. But hot.

So what's a man to do? What exactly is this woman's angle? I can think of a helluva lot of better ways to spend 4 5ths of a million bucks.

But still ...

I mean it's awful but ... but I can't look away.

If nothing else, it's a testament to the manipulations and ambitions and abilities of man that we can take a living, breathing human being and make her into a plastic doll of inhuman proportions.

Valeria Lukyanova. Barbie. Now life-sized. But with real human genitals. Possibly. Look for her anywhere beluga caviar and Bugatti Veyrons are sold. Satan Bless.

I'm speechless. Possibly so is she. Happy weekend.

- Ryan