Visions of London: Olympic Events you Know Nothing About, Week 3 (Deliverance edition)

Third, CANOE/Kayaking



Slalom

4 events

1. Men's Canoe Single 
2. Women's Kayak 
3. Men's Canoe double 
4. Men's Kayak

 Men’s Canoe Sprint

A few events

I'm sorry but this shit doesn't really intrigue me or anyone else for that matter unless you're the Winklevoss twins or went to an Ivy. Even hardcore kayakers probably don't pay much attention to the restrictions of these Olympic events, mostly because for the most part they're hippies and hate organized competition. Either way, there are a few men's and women’s singles and doubles events but, unlike horse racing, these sprints are not considered the most exciting minutes in sports. Speaking of which,  shout-out to the potential triple crown Winner I’ll Have Another. This generation needs to see one. Damn you Smarty Jones.

 Alright, so this might be the most difficult event to compare to any one iconic individual. Going back in time, the original canoes were crafted by real renaissance men out of a hardwood tree trunk. Originally created by the natives in North America,  it took a lot of pain and suffering to make this small wooden vessels.  Nowadays they're pretty prominent in extreme videos and are used strictly for recreational purposes and obviously have no use as a form of transportation with the development of such minor transporters as planes, trains, giant sea vessels, trucks, etc.... Either way, they are enjoyable when you're trying to leave the social restrictions of society and become one with the surrounding beauty of nature. It truly has a calming effect, slowly paddling, possibly throwing out a line, and forgetting that time exists. 

While it can be calming, there are those daredevils who utilize a form of canoes, also known as kayaks, to huck off of 40 foot waterfalls. It’s pretty fucking cool to see these individuals move and drop down to the bottoms of the falls or maneuver through treacherous rapids. Also, the Olympic kayak/canoe slalom part is pretty damn cool. It reminds me of the Invisible Boat Event on Nickelodeon’s Guts, only cooler. Also, instead of a piece of the Aggro Crag, the winner gets a freakin' gold medal and world supremacy.

Now, let's take a look at the best in the men's slalom because let's be honest, the course is fuckin' amazing. Essentially, you watch individuals take on man-made rapids while winding through an altered river. Located at the Lee Valley White Water Centre, it was the first newly-constructed Olympic venue to be completed. Personally, they should take it a step forward and add sharks with freakin' laser beams or at least mutated sea bass but the IOC just never listens.

As mentioned above, the sprinting portion of the canoeing discipline is boring so we shall stay as far from this as Calista Flockhart does from food . I would also like to state the qualifying has not finished yet, so essentially the individuals I mentioned below, while the tits, still might not make it. 

Team Kayak-Hochschorner twins- Peter and Pavel  have dominated the sport, winning the last three Olympics and, without much decline, they're still the top seed. While in most sports it’s nearly impossible, a four-peat is not out of the question for these two. They're considered the best Slalom C2 team ever. Below are their list achievements. Coming from a family of canoers, they were bred to compete in this event and to live on the water. They probably don't make any money but fuck it, go with your dream and rock the boat. Now the biggest question is who can I compare to these two legends. Sure Deliverance has its share of canoeing, and I already mentioned the Winklevosses, but it would not be ambitious of me if I went with something so obvious as there are no sure options. I’m going to take the brotha’s who instead of dealing with outdoor hillbillies or computer genius’ got high as hell. One of which even dominated the boring event of canoe sprinting. Silas and Jamal, aka Method Man and Redman, ended up smoking their boy’s hair and received acceptance into prestigious Harvard. While there, Jamal joins the rowing team, and with the help of his altered ganja and runs the that shizznit. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, here's the achievement of those twins and stuff.

CATEGORY ACCOMPLISHMENTS / ACHIEVEMENTS / COMPETITIVE RESULTS
1999: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2000: Gold Medal, C2, Olympic Games, Sydney, Australia
2000: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2001: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2002: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2002: Gold Medal, C2, World Championships
2003: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2004: Gold Medal, C2, Olympic Games, Athens, Greece
2004: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2006: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2007: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup
2007: Gold Medal, C2, World Championships
2008: Gold Medal, C2, Olympic Games, Beijing, China
2008: Gold Medal, C2, World Cup

Maybe even pot-smoking hippies DO have a place in the Olympics?

- Kyle