Visions of London: The Olympic Events You Know Nothing About, Week 1

The 2012 Summer Olympics are closing in. We're starting to get extensive press coverage and Olympic commercials leading up to our becoming smothered by this 16 day event come July 27th. Hosted in London this year, a country with a deep history, along the way we'll be fed knowledge related to certain sports, individuals, and English history that we just simply don't give a shit about. Now, while I will be competing in an Olympic Triathlon myself, in all honesty it does not compare to engaging in an endurance battle against the fittest humans in the world. While I enjoy the winter games more, the summer games still provide excitement, even though I must say that I watch certain events simply out of patriotism. As recently as last Olympics, Michael Phelps graced the world with his swimming abilities and proved that Aquaman is real. In the same Olympics, the world was introduced to Usain Bolt, probably the most arrogant and flamboyant Olympic athlete to ever compete. 

Because of this, I've decided to profile one sport a week and compare the top individuals in said sport to superheroes or famous characters from Cinema History. This will provide at least one person whose name rings a bell when watching all the "I didn't even know that was a sport" category. Without my help, how could you ever know who the best athletes are in such vital sports as shooting, canoeing, and equestrian?

First Up, Shooting:

Events / disciplines

Pistol class:
Men’s 10m air pistol, women’s 10m air pistol
Men’s 25m rapid fire pistol
Men’s 50m pistol, women’s 25m pistol 

Rifle class:
Men’s 10m air rifle, women’s 10m air
Men’s 50m rifle prone
Men’s 50m rifle three positions, women’s 50m rifle three positions 

Shotgun class:
Men’s trap, women’s trap
Men’s double trap
Men’s skeet, women’s skeet

Because there are several categories in shooting, I've decided to only spotlight the best athletes from the coolest fucking disciplines. Watching someone take their sweet ass time aiming rifles at a long distance was cool in Jarhead, but I need a little more action in my sports. Instant gratification is American, like me. Shooting a gun is manly and, no offense to females, but the best two events are only for males; the Men’s double-trap and the Men’s 25m Rapid Pistol. Women, you'll receive a lot of attention during the summer games, don’t you worry, but this is a sport that men rule. The only cool female cowgirl was Sharon Stone in the Quick and the Dead. 

Men’s 25m Rapid Fire Pistol - Alexei Klimov- This Russian is quick, but that's only part of the event, as he has to also be accurate. Although, he didn't qualify for the finals in Beijing during the last Olympics, this (post)-soviet marksman recently took Gold in the World Cup in London in April. By winning once in London already, he's proven that he can compete in the highly volatile London weather. All he needs is a cowboy hat, a slow twang, and a desire for booze and women (Who am I kidding, he’s Russian), and he's Doc Holliday. This legendary man of west is called by some the fastest shooter with a six gun.  I don’t think a better cowboy was ever been portrayed better than Val Kilmer’s Holliday. Until Klimov wins that Gold, he will not yet begin to defile himself.

Men’s Double Trap- Peter Robert Russell Wilson (yes, all one name)-This Brit is a meager 26 years old but shoots like a seasoned veteran. He aims at flying clay saucers released instantly, two at a time, with the ease of stealing candy from a crack baby. The question is, who can dominate a 12 gauge like him? Well one cyborg can, the Former Governator himself. The Terminator made the shotgun badass again with his accurate shot and ability to reload quickly. There's nothing more badass than the Terminator shooting and one-hand shucking that bad boy while driving a motorcycle. Though Wilson comes about as close as you get for something not of the T-800 variety.

Random Spotlight

Right now, is there anyone cooler than Russell Mark in the sports world? This man lost a bet over a rugby match where he had to pay with dignity instead of money and wear a mankini during the opening ceremony. I’m not sure what the coolest part of this is; that he's still considering goin forward and wearing the mankini made popular by Borat, or that a spokesman from team Australia responded to his threats with good humor? Actually, his answer when asked about the bet probably exceeds both. “Oh, I must've been intoxicated," he joked, according to The Telegraph. "Anyway, a lot of people would think a mankini might look better than the uniform they've nominated for us, so I don't know if it's such a bad thing." In what other sport or country would it be acceptable to provide your reasoning for your actions as been intoxicated while also slighting your nation’s team outfit? Let me also add that this will be the 48-year-old’s 6^th Olympics and he's thus eligible to be carrying the flag. That would be pretty fucking epic and make this opening ceremony even more memorable then Beijing, though for obviously different reasons. He already has a gold medal from the ‘96 Olympics in Hotlanta, but obviously other individuals have achieved such a feat. No one else has gone to the opening ceremony rocking a mankini, however, and as so it will surely engrave his name into Olympic History.

 Here's to somebody maybe finally having a sense of humor about the opening ceremony. Tune in next week for some more Olympic wisdoms.

- Kyle