As I said in my last article, I'm heading south. To the Mediterranean. And the Ionian. Seas of splendor. European decadence. Sweet nothings whispered on winds that blow through olive orchards and trees with lemons the size of an infant's head and grapes dangling in breezy porticos.
But amidst all this splendor is a history of revolution, battle, adventure, death and love and passion that has powered the modern era ever since it began. I'm speaking specifically of Greece. The birthplace of the modern tragedy (Oedipus and Antigone, anybody?), the modern epics (THE ILIAD for war, THE ODYSSEY for adventure), ancient mythology (Greek gods like Zeus, Athena, Nike, Poseidon) and modern mythology (the Greeks were among the first Europeans to capture and spread the stories of Jesus and his apostles through Europe), philosophy, astrology, medicine (Hippocrates and his oath) and of course Democracy. But as it goes, as Jack Donaghy once said in that 30 ROCK program, "Since inventing democracy, those guys have been… coasting.”
And goddammit have they done just that. I mean seriously, what have they done since ushering in the modern free era? Sure they're somewhere between 35th and 37th biggest economy but, I mean, their main industries are tourism and shipping. Still, this beautiful land is an important one and right now it's afire, plagued by the greatest chaos they've seen since the Turks burnt Smyrna. Riots erupting, angry youths tired of being hungry and tired as economic policies only seem to make them worse, put them in worse situations. Setting police on fire, molitovs and battles. And so I, being ever-brave, have made my way down into the chaos. I've braved the road south and made my way to Athens where an old friend of mine with Spartan blood and Thessalonian spittle was waiting for me in a long shadow amidst the crumbles of the Parthenon, a great backdrop for this great Greek collapse of dreams and livelihood.
"We are being in pandora right now. The box is open."
"Pandora? Greek is now the world from AVATAR? Where are those damn pterodactyl things you can ride around town?"
"No, pandora's box is open and the world has fucked her in it."
"Like the rape of Nanking?"
"No, no. It is madness because Greece, we are a simple people. We believe in enjoying life. We are people of great sailors, beautiful land of history and today and enjoying it all and we have worked hard for long time. We figured it was time to sit back, let everybody else worry about it. Invest in America, we thought. They will be doing good things. Set up good shipping magnates for mating with Jackie Kennedy and Paris Hilton and make inspiration for Abba rock opera MAMA MIA! Jesse Katsopolis. And they repay us with securities they say are good bets but really are based on poor Americans buying houses in places with names we have never been hearing of. Of course we fall. We are trusting. We do our hard work. In America, you have families, great great great grandparents do hard work. Buy house in the Hamptons. Kids don't ever work but just organize charities and fancy parties. Now takes that and apply it to a whole country invented modern world. We deserve to rest. But now we cannot! Goddamn Americans ruin us!"
"Whoa, whoa. Jesus, there will be no American-bashing here. Explain to me, exactly, what's going on?"
"You not know? Just like egotistical American. 2 years ago, our leader, he goes to Germany, explains everything in Greece crashing and we are about to default on bonds and loans. Der Angela Merkel, she says she will help us but wants it to hurt, sadistic Germans, so nobody else want help. So we take help because what else do we do? She tells us that in exchange, we must cut down our spending on government programs and employee pay and benefits, must keep taxes low, embraces the conservative attitude that economy is best run with little government spending and give rich more money so they can fix problems for us stupid people at below who ruin things. This is 2 years ago. Well this stupid conservative 'austerity', like ideas proposed by Tea Party and John Boehner and American fiscal conservative, it not work. We improved our debts a little but not enough and then they stopped. Economy sliding backwards. Not to mention loans and bonds getting called in. So we must borrow again and convince companies to go 'Hey, is okay you not pay all of monies, only some' and we are thinking maybe now this is good. But no! This is not being good because we are still fucked as people are running from Greece with their monies they are taking out of our banks because they do not trust us. Rich people no longer investing in Greece but leaving us to sink like burning ships in Trojan harbor."
"Your ramble is hideously boring and what did I tell you about insulting Americans? By the way, who was your leader then?"
"I not sure, I am just recently lifted from veil of heavy wine and hookah-smoking habit of last decade. The smoke out of my eyes and now I am understanding it all. Our country is falling apart and Germany is like parent who lends you money but wants you to understand what you did wrong, wants to punish you with whipping from big heavy German stick. They are being telling us how to live, how to run our country, what we are supposed to be doing with our moneys! This is terrible."
As I wander through the parthenon I imagine Socrates crying like this when they made him drink the poison for poisoning the mind of the youth. For teaching them to question authorities. Probably buggering them too, though that didn't make it to the history books. Either way, this poor big-nosed fool was weeping like a little girl. No, no way could he be a Spartan. I saw 300. They wear loin cloths and fight like a multi-part scaly scarab with spears poking out.
"So what does your current leader say?"
"Ehh. We, uhh, have no leader. Right now."
"What? In the middle of chaos and you have no leader?"
"We invent democracy and as such is now very complex. You only practicing it for hundreds of years but we for thousands. We have New Democracy, conservative, who favors working with austerity, letting people keep telling us what to do." Then he spits. "Then Pasok, more liberal but still weak. Coward. Not like true Greeks. Not like Spartan. But Syriza - radical left, almost communist but not ones to be weak in front of international world. Like Spartan, we fight all who tell us what to do. We elect New Democracy but he cannot pull together coalition of political parties enough to make big majority because all have different philosophies so we vote again. And same thing. Next vote to come on June 17th and we think Syriza will win. Syriza is the answer. Syriza will tell Eurozone that if Euros stop giving them money, Greece will simply not pay. Send them in to get their money, we say. We have fought greatest wars in history of civilization. We are the lands of Achilles and Odysseus and Leonidas and Mars. We will stop you. You want money? Come get it. We will stop you with great Spartan fierceness, gods at our back and Poseidon looking to destroy you. And Jesus will shoot thunderbolts like his father Zeus... I mean, no, bearded man on clouds is God. And Nike will steal his shoes back and run circles around you! And we will leave your stupid Euro, with its ugly little futuristic symbol and return to drachma. We will govern ourselves, no longer listen to what evil hawks from the mountains say. No more Valkyries."
"Wait, the drachma?"
"Yes. Mark my words, this is how the Euro ends. We will leave. Next will follow Italy, almost as fiery and powerful onetime as us. Tired of being pushed around by Hitler youth aryans."
"The Germans aren't all Hitler youth, most of the Nazis and whatnot are dead. And as for Italy, wasn't the Pope a Hitler youth?"
"Whatever, whatever, Italians almost as good as Greek. They will leave, back to beautiful lira once they have seen Greece blazing trail, like always, to reclaim our independence. Then Spain, Portugal. We were all once the great world conquerors. And Germany, they never conquer anything but invent protestantism and spread out over Europe in brief period during World War but they are thinking now they are big boy. Well have fun with Euro once you lose all the tourist countries." Then he spit again. "I predict Merkel will be lucky to make it through next German elections. We are all tired of punish and hard work. Ready for good times again."
It was around this time I realized he'd been leading me up a mountain. The acropolis somehow had disappeared from my sight. I stopped to look around and saw an ancient world, one prior to all our grand buildings, prior to those ugly fancy glass and steel phalluses of industry. With endless fields of grain and small villages and sheep being herded and so on.
"Kouros, where are we?"
"We are on Mt. Olympos. I am introducing you to Zeus?"
"How the hell did we get from Athens to Mt. Olympus? Jesus, that's hundreds of miles!"
"Yes. I am having injected you with drug of the muses, is, how you call it, Mescaline. I find in American desert with old friend, Carlos Castaneda."
"Right, right, I met you at one of his peyote-button-and-key parties at Zorthian Ranch. So we're not really here, huh?"
"Or maybe we are here. Maybe you are traveling through mind to Zeus land of gods and mind is all that is real. Mental traveler."
Now it's all changing. The surreal immediateness of life right now. I feel my hands grabbing the rocks, look at the sun setting over an ancient world, melting, god good, man, with all the heft of the after and pre-life converging at the now life. Good god, man.
"Yes?"
"God?"
"Yes, it is I, God, Zeus, Wotan, so on and so forth. What can I do ya for?"
"What will happen with Greece?"
"Europe is going radical. Conservatives are losing as their conservative fiscal policies not only haven't worked but have actually made everything much worse as America is steadily recovering. Countries like Greece and Spain with unemployments nearing a quarter of the population and countries plagued by bad business decisions committed by selfish men in the bigger financial places like America and London, vaunted past their abilities by gifts of schmoozing and bullshitting and proclivity to risk-taking that has been lucky. No, it's all over. And for trusting them we will be punished for their hubris. By fracturing.
"I mean, let's be honest. To have one currency tied to so many countries that fluctuate so much in culture, policy, infrastructure, industry, reputation, so on and so forth? That's just simply retarded. Return to the drachma. And the lira. The franc. The peso. The Deutsche mark. And realize that this whole shared money thing, well, it's just been a pipedream and it's a miracle it lasted as long as it did. At least it was a good ride, eh?" Then God/Zeus/Wotan throws back a shot of ouzo and puts the shot glass back upside down, on top of me, trapping me inside a massive upturned shot glass and as I contemplate whether the great God/Zeus/Wotan speaks the truth, massive electric eels start swimming in the air around me, snapping at the glass and one of the last somewhat-cogent thoughts I have is "Good God/Zeus/Wotan am I thankful for that massive shot-glass shield!"
- Foreign Corrspondent Oscar Gam
But amidst all this splendor is a history of revolution, battle, adventure, death and love and passion that has powered the modern era ever since it began. I'm speaking specifically of Greece. The birthplace of the modern tragedy (Oedipus and Antigone, anybody?), the modern epics (THE ILIAD for war, THE ODYSSEY for adventure), ancient mythology (Greek gods like Zeus, Athena, Nike, Poseidon) and modern mythology (the Greeks were among the first Europeans to capture and spread the stories of Jesus and his apostles through Europe), philosophy, astrology, medicine (Hippocrates and his oath) and of course Democracy. But as it goes, as Jack Donaghy once said in that 30 ROCK program, "Since inventing democracy, those guys have been… coasting.”
"We are being in pandora right now. The box is open."
"Pandora? Greek is now the world from AVATAR? Where are those damn pterodactyl things you can ride around town?"
"No, pandora's box is open and the world has fucked her in it."
"Like the rape of Nanking?"
"No, no. It is madness because Greece, we are a simple people. We believe in enjoying life. We are people of great sailors, beautiful land of history and today and enjoying it all and we have worked hard for long time. We figured it was time to sit back, let everybody else worry about it. Invest in America, we thought. They will be doing good things. Set up good shipping magnates for mating with Jackie Kennedy and Paris Hilton and make inspiration for Abba rock opera MAMA MIA! Jesse Katsopolis. And they repay us with securities they say are good bets but really are based on poor Americans buying houses in places with names we have never been hearing of. Of course we fall. We are trusting. We do our hard work. In America, you have families, great great great grandparents do hard work. Buy house in the Hamptons. Kids don't ever work but just organize charities and fancy parties. Now takes that and apply it to a whole country invented modern world. We deserve to rest. But now we cannot! Goddamn Americans ruin us!"
"Whoa, whoa. Jesus, there will be no American-bashing here. Explain to me, exactly, what's going on?"
"You not know? Just like egotistical American. 2 years ago, our leader, he goes to Germany, explains everything in Greece crashing and we are about to default on bonds and loans. Der Angela Merkel, she says she will help us but wants it to hurt, sadistic Germans, so nobody else want help. So we take help because what else do we do? She tells us that in exchange, we must cut down our spending on government programs and employee pay and benefits, must keep taxes low, embraces the conservative attitude that economy is best run with little government spending and give rich more money so they can fix problems for us stupid people at below who ruin things. This is 2 years ago. Well this stupid conservative 'austerity', like ideas proposed by Tea Party and John Boehner and American fiscal conservative, it not work. We improved our debts a little but not enough and then they stopped. Economy sliding backwards. Not to mention loans and bonds getting called in. So we must borrow again and convince companies to go 'Hey, is okay you not pay all of monies, only some' and we are thinking maybe now this is good. But no! This is not being good because we are still fucked as people are running from Greece with their monies they are taking out of our banks because they do not trust us. Rich people no longer investing in Greece but leaving us to sink like burning ships in Trojan harbor."
"Your ramble is hideously boring and what did I tell you about insulting Americans? By the way, who was your leader then?"
"I not sure, I am just recently lifted from veil of heavy wine and hookah-smoking habit of last decade. The smoke out of my eyes and now I am understanding it all. Our country is falling apart and Germany is like parent who lends you money but wants you to understand what you did wrong, wants to punish you with whipping from big heavy German stick. They are being telling us how to live, how to run our country, what we are supposed to be doing with our moneys! This is terrible."
As I wander through the parthenon I imagine Socrates crying like this when they made him drink the poison for poisoning the mind of the youth. For teaching them to question authorities. Probably buggering them too, though that didn't make it to the history books. Either way, this poor big-nosed fool was weeping like a little girl. No, no way could he be a Spartan. I saw 300. They wear loin cloths and fight like a multi-part scaly scarab with spears poking out.
"So what does your current leader say?"
"Ehh. We, uhh, have no leader. Right now."
"What? In the middle of chaos and you have no leader?"
"We invent democracy and as such is now very complex. You only practicing it for hundreds of years but we for thousands. We have New Democracy, conservative, who favors working with austerity, letting people keep telling us what to do." Then he spits. "Then Pasok, more liberal but still weak. Coward. Not like true Greeks. Not like Spartan. But Syriza - radical left, almost communist but not ones to be weak in front of international world. Like Spartan, we fight all who tell us what to do. We elect New Democracy but he cannot pull together coalition of political parties enough to make big majority because all have different philosophies so we vote again. And same thing. Next vote to come on June 17th and we think Syriza will win. Syriza is the answer. Syriza will tell Eurozone that if Euros stop giving them money, Greece will simply not pay. Send them in to get their money, we say. We have fought greatest wars in history of civilization. We are the lands of Achilles and Odysseus and Leonidas and Mars. We will stop you. You want money? Come get it. We will stop you with great Spartan fierceness, gods at our back and Poseidon looking to destroy you. And Jesus will shoot thunderbolts like his father Zeus... I mean, no, bearded man on clouds is God. And Nike will steal his shoes back and run circles around you! And we will leave your stupid Euro, with its ugly little futuristic symbol and return to drachma. We will govern ourselves, no longer listen to what evil hawks from the mountains say. No more Valkyries."
"Wait, the drachma?"
"Yes. Mark my words, this is how the Euro ends. We will leave. Next will follow Italy, almost as fiery and powerful onetime as us. Tired of being pushed around by Hitler youth aryans."
"The Germans aren't all Hitler youth, most of the Nazis and whatnot are dead. And as for Italy, wasn't the Pope a Hitler youth?"
"Whatever, whatever, Italians almost as good as Greek. They will leave, back to beautiful lira once they have seen Greece blazing trail, like always, to reclaim our independence. Then Spain, Portugal. We were all once the great world conquerors. And Germany, they never conquer anything but invent protestantism and spread out over Europe in brief period during World War but they are thinking now they are big boy. Well have fun with Euro once you lose all the tourist countries." Then he spit again. "I predict Merkel will be lucky to make it through next German elections. We are all tired of punish and hard work. Ready for good times again."
It was around this time I realized he'd been leading me up a mountain. The acropolis somehow had disappeared from my sight. I stopped to look around and saw an ancient world, one prior to all our grand buildings, prior to those ugly fancy glass and steel phalluses of industry. With endless fields of grain and small villages and sheep being herded and so on.
"Kouros, where are we?"
"We are on Mt. Olympos. I am introducing you to Zeus?"
"How the hell did we get from Athens to Mt. Olympus? Jesus, that's hundreds of miles!"
"Yes. I am having injected you with drug of the muses, is, how you call it, Mescaline. I find in American desert with old friend, Carlos Castaneda."
"Right, right, I met you at one of his peyote-button-and-key parties at Zorthian Ranch. So we're not really here, huh?"
"Or maybe we are here. Maybe you are traveling through mind to Zeus land of gods and mind is all that is real. Mental traveler."
Now it's all changing. The surreal immediateness of life right now. I feel my hands grabbing the rocks, look at the sun setting over an ancient world, melting, god good, man, with all the heft of the after and pre-life converging at the now life. Good god, man.
"Yes?"
"God?"
"Yes, it is I, God, Zeus, Wotan, so on and so forth. What can I do ya for?"
"What will happen with Greece?"
"Europe is going radical. Conservatives are losing as their conservative fiscal policies not only haven't worked but have actually made everything much worse as America is steadily recovering. Countries like Greece and Spain with unemployments nearing a quarter of the population and countries plagued by bad business decisions committed by selfish men in the bigger financial places like America and London, vaunted past their abilities by gifts of schmoozing and bullshitting and proclivity to risk-taking that has been lucky. No, it's all over. And for trusting them we will be punished for their hubris. By fracturing.
"I mean, let's be honest. To have one currency tied to so many countries that fluctuate so much in culture, policy, infrastructure, industry, reputation, so on and so forth? That's just simply retarded. Return to the drachma. And the lira. The franc. The peso. The Deutsche mark. And realize that this whole shared money thing, well, it's just been a pipedream and it's a miracle it lasted as long as it did. At least it was a good ride, eh?" Then God/Zeus/Wotan throws back a shot of ouzo and puts the shot glass back upside down, on top of me, trapping me inside a massive upturned shot glass and as I contemplate whether the great God/Zeus/Wotan speaks the truth, massive electric eels start swimming in the air around me, snapping at the glass and one of the last somewhat-cogent thoughts I have is "Good God/Zeus/Wotan am I thankful for that massive shot-glass shield!"
- Foreign Corrspondent Oscar Gam
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