12-year-olds, Dude: How Skate Big Air Cements the Fact that X Games Are the Future

There have been plenty of preternatural young freaks in the world of athletics. Neymar's currently blowing minds in International soccer at the ripe old age of 20 after 4 years at a pro (going pro at 16). In womens' gymnastics it almost seems a prerequisite that you be a teenager as your body is still bendy, your joints haven't completely been reduced to goo, and it's easier to flip a shorty than a runway model. But skateboarding seems to be the sport that, more than any other, is pumping out better and better athletes at younger and younger ages, pre-pubescent boys doing tricks that a few years ago only Tony Hawk could do - and even more, kids doing moves that NOBODY else in the world can do now. Arguments can be made that if the people pushing the sport are getting younger and younger, the sport itself is pretty far from maturing, its evolution in fact just beginning. Yesterday, in the elimination round of X Games Skateboard Big Air the first ever 900's ever landed on the Big Air quarterpipe were stuck perfectly by two skaters.  Neither of whom can drive.

The first one was stuck by an older kid who's been heralded as one of the skaters to watch this X Games. His name's Mitchie Brusco and at the ripe old age of 14, he boosted a big 360 (1 full  rotation, for you non-boardsport-inclined folks) followed by a 10+ foot 900 (2 and a half rotations) on the quarterpipe, essentially a several-story wall of wood with a small transition to flat at the bottom. That's right. The trick that just a few years ago Tony Hawk landed for the first time and the whole skate world creamed itself was just stuck for the first time in this new event - while being commentated by the Hawkman himself - by a 14-year-old.

Not to be outdone, next comes 12-year-old Tom Schaar, 6th grader and star of his own web series leading up to the Games, "My First X." Check out this 1st episode in which he works on his 1080, which, by the way, he's already landed in competition (the first time anybody's done anything even close to that).

So Schaar drops into the first run of the eliminations, just after Brusco and sure enough he two sticks a 900 on the quarterpipe too, boosting to, like, 3 or 4 times his height and landing as if it's nothing. Seriously, these new kids are freaks of nature. This is why these sports are so exciting. Because skaters only get better as they get older. And if these kids are already sticking 9's (and 1080's), just imagine what freaking shit they'll be doing when they get really old. Like, when they graduate from Elementary School and shit.

And just to show he's still in it, little Jagger Eaton busted a backflip across the big air - he's 11.

Seriously, look at these bastards, "Dream Come True to be here" and they haven't even hit puberty yet. I sometimes like to relate age difference to how old they were when I was 18. Like, if you're 30 and dating an 18 year old, you have to frame it by realizing when you were 18 she was 6 which helps understand why she has no idea what you're talking about when you mention things like grunge music and the 90's. When I was 18, Jagger Eaton was -2. Jesus.

Just watch this little EXPN excerpt about these sub-15-year-old bastards. Think back to when you were their age. Remember, it was cool to play flashlight tag. Maybe pick up basketball at the neighborhood pool. Skate around your friends working on kickflips if that was your thing. Possibly, if you were one of us B-more derelicts you'd drink some stolen beers and stumble around hammered thinking you were the shit, dreaming of copping a feel in the heat of the moment.

Well these kids are being cheered by thousands of fans, vying for purses up to 50 grand, and getting profiled by ESPN.

Yeah. Makes me feel like kind of a slacker. Or just extremely far behind - far behind a 12-year-old, that is.

- Ryan

Visions of London: The Halfway Recap Of Events You Know Nothing About

With exactly 1 month until the Olympics begins - technically the 2012 London Games begin with the opening ceremony on 7/27 but, I dunno, can you really count a bunch of physical specimens walking out waving in stereotypical matching garb while local back-flippers and drum-beaters make a lot of racket beneath the laser lights during the opening ceremony? Actually, considering all these revelations Kyle's shared with us as to what are actual Olympic sports - perhaps...

Regardless, competition starts 7/28 and certainly London's scrambling to make it happen. Their spending's already on pace to be double their budget. London won the Olympics based on an original budget which, to counter China's insurmountable extravaganza, came in around $4 Billion. 2 years later it rocketed to $15 billion and now they think it's gonna double that counting inflation and all. Hey, why not? Not like overspending on the Olympics ever hurt anybody, right?

Anyway, since we're a little past halfway through Kyle's epic analysis of Olympic events you've never heard of, and considering the fact that y'all should be paying attention to the X Games right now anyway, figured we might as well do a recap of where we've been so far before delving into the final 4:

Week 1: SHOOTING
Kyle runs through the Shooting events in which a controlled explosion propelling a lead plug down a long metal tube towards an arbitrary inanimate object is considered a sport.

Week 2: ARCHERY
In AGE OF INNOCENCE high society women had epic archery competitions. Then everybody decided that was gay. Now HUNGER GAMES has made archery cool again. Check out Kyle's rundown to see who to cheer for.

Week 3:CANOE/KAYAK
Washington Crossed the Delaware on a canoe of some sort and we subsequently won our independence. Every tribe all over the world used canoes to get around. Then came an invention known as the outboard motor and canoes were reduced to transpo for hippies and the Olympics.

Week 4: DIVING
The most attention to ever befall the sport of diving was when everybody wondered if Greg Louganis had given his fellow competitors and trainers AIDS (too soon?). Kyle talks about who to watch in a sport that's just about super cool. Just about.

Week 5: FIELD HOCKEY
I thought this was just an excuse to convince blue blood girls to keep thin by running around a field bending over in plaid skirts. Who knew it was a real sport? Kyle did. Or at least he does now with this rundown of the highest level of what I used to call "mobilized golf".

Week 6: HAND BALL
It's like 3 flies meets nukem meets racquetball. I think. Not really sure. How is this still a sport? Here's how (and who's good at it).
So there it is. Next Thursday Kyle will pick back up with his epic series on Olympic Events you know nothing about so by the time the Olympics finally arrive, you'll know a couple names and a few events besides Michael Phelps, track, and gymnastics. Making you a better person all around.

'Cuz that's what we do.

- Ryan

The Man, The Myth, The Beard: A Guide for NBA Players to Facial Hair

So while watching the NBA playoffs, I made a few observations. Lebron is playing as hard as a human can play, The Thunder were not tough enough yet and need some sort of badass in the paint, no one in the NBA can afford lenses for their glasses, and there was some solid facial hair creeping onto the court. 

Seeing how they don't have lenses, are they even called glasses? 

Anyway, instead of focusing on the most important function of the sport I've decided that the theme of this article should be athletes and legends with the weirdest facial hair. James Harden and Lebron have done a solid job of representing what it means to be a man, but who in the past paved the way of hairy-faced mandom? Also, does anyone know what Lebron is actually going for? He seems like he wakes up every morning confused on whether he wants a chin strap or a beard. I think he should hold another “Decision” event where he decides on what he does with that beard strap. Let’s look back at the famous people in history who perfected their facial grooming skills.

 Jesus (Holy Beard)-The son of God can make water into wine, magically increase the amount of food, died for our sins, and is able to rise from the dead. I mean, that’s kind of cool, I guess. So what did he achieve? Oh, I don’t know. Divine intervention and maybe becoming the most famous person in history. At the least he was the first zombie.

 

Edward Teach (Pirate Beard)- Blackbeard the Pirate, as he also went by, commanded a small fleet of well-armed ships and intimidated his victims by his mere looks (occasionally lighting his beard like it was a jumble of fuses). Also, according to the newest Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which is 100% based on facts, he can control the ropes on his ship using his magic sword. He has one of the most infamous flags of all time.

 Rollie Fingers (Handlebar Mustache with both sides curled up) - He modernized relief pitching. In '92, he was only the second reliever ever to be elected for the HOF and one of few players to have his number retired by more than 1 club. His name is synonymous with the curled up stache. 

 Brian Wilson (Emo Beard)-Super diverse group of pitches consisting of a four-seam fastball, cutter, slider, and two-seam sinking fastball. He is a 3x all-star, 2010 NL Saves Champion, and a World Series Champion. He also just doesn't give a shit.

 Brett Keisel (Mountain man Beard)- This Defensive of End for the Pittsburgh Steelers has beast strength and quickness. He's a 2x super bowl champion, made it to the pro bowl in 2010, and 3x AFC champion. After he retires, he should easily be able to find a job as a lumberjack.

 Hulk Hogan (Ultimate Blonde Fu Manchu)- He would pummel his opponents into submission and occasionally act in movies so terribly that you become mesmerized. He also had the mutant ability to “Hulk UP” which made him impervious to pain.

 Bill Walton (Hippie Beard)- The “Big Red-Head” has the keen ability to grow peyote as well as dominate near the hoop. This 6’ 11” hippie played on what is possibly the greatest college basketball team in history, won an NBA MVP, and won 2 NBA Championships. I’ll smoke to that.

 Eddie Murray (The Sideburns to Mustache look)- Ok, so his sideburns never fully wrapped around to his mustache, but it comes damn close. He was known as one of the most productive and reliable hitters on what used to be a power house team called the Orioles. He’s an 8x all-star, 3x golden glove winner, World Series Champion, 1977 AL Rookie of the year, Hall of Famer, and one hell of a model American. 

 St. Nicholas (White Magic Beard)- Also known as Santa Claus (or, above, Santa Clause), he has the ability to deliver presents around the world in one night. He's also considered to be the most skilled burglar of all time and has an army of little people at his disposal, like the Wizard of Oz.

 Salvador Dali (Surrealist Handlebar)- This prominent Spanish painter's paintings have the ability to make you think you ate mushrooms while staring at them. His most famous paintings include The Persistence of Memory, Swans Reflecting Elephants, the Temptation of St. Anthony, and Ballerina in a Death’s Head. He was truly one of the most deranged and genius artists.

 Yosemite Sam (Fu Manchu to Eyebrows Beard)- This gun-toting Looney Toon has a quick temper and an even faster draw. With the assistance of his mini horse, he would have dominated the battle of the O.K. Corral. Or at least Tiny Town. He would've definitely given Sharon Stone a run for her money in The Quick and the Dead.

 Tom Selleck (Grown Ass Man-Stache)-Ok, so there's nothing special about his mustache. But who else has been so famous as a hunk for what grows on his face? This dude might have the sexiest stache in history. This actor’s facial hair screams "fuck you" to metrosexuals but "fuck me" to every hot chick within eyesight.

 Hitler (Evil Mustache)- This man was one terrible human being, and thus what appears to be an oil smudge is actually a small mustache of hate. He's responsible for the grotesque mass genocide of Jews known as the Holocaust and starting a World War. It’s probably good that he tarnished this look because, honestly, it’s not good anyway. Even on Michael Jordan.

 Chuck Norris (Ass Kicking Fire Beard)- Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet. Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number; you answer the wrong phone. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only Sign Language. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris' beard is Razorwire, soaked in Oxen Blood and held together by the souls of mortals. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 

 Charles Darwin (The Beard of Science)- Mr. Evolution found the missing link and it's actually himself. 

 Joe Flacco (Playoff Fu Manchu)- The QB for the Baltimore Ravens has been to the playoffs every year he's been in the league and even grew one helluva fu Manchu on his road to the AFC Championship last year. He's considered one of the top 100 players in the league.

 

Kevin Ferguson-Kimbo Slice (Brawler Beard)- Originally known as a web sensation for dominating street fights, he switched up his focus on becoming a pro. Although he hasn't had a great UFC career, I can safely that I am 100% afraid of him. 

 Abraham Lincoln (The Presidential chinstrap)- The 16^th President led our nation through its only Civil War, abolished slavery, and gave what is one the most quoted speeches in American History (Gettysburg Address). Apparently, he also had a knack for killing Vampires. 

 ZZ Top (Badass Musician Beards)- Their long beards have been crushing the music industry for ages. Fun Fact: Their drummer who doesn't have beard has the last name "Beard".

 Pai Mei (Kung Fu Beard)- He was considered he best Kung Fu master in the world until he was poisoned by a bitch of an apprentice. He's best known for his three inch punch and the fatal movement the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Before training the Bride he was in epic fights involving the Wu-Tang, the Shaolin, the White Lotus. As one of the legendary elders of Shaolin, he must have used a solid conditioner to keep that old ass beard of his so silky.

Captain Jack Sparrow (Double Braided Beard)- This man of many words had the quickness to escape zombies, skeletons, Human Shellfish, The Kraken, purgatory, the English, and the Spanish. All while rum drunk and walking around like Keith Richards.  

 

Katie Holmes-(Human Beard)- Sorry Katie, but come on - Tom Cruise straight?

Honorable Mention – Badamsinh Juwansinh Gurjar, Gene Shalit, Charlie Chaplin, Teddy Roosevelt, Sam Elliot, Brigham Young, Kenny Rogers, Satan, Zach Galifianakis, Nick Mangold, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Zavada, JaysonWerth, Johnny Damon, Walt Frazier, Lanny McDonald, Sean William Scott, AlexiLalas, Jeff Bagwell, Joe Namath, Ryan Ariano

- Kyle