Currently,
the world is dealing with unrest in the middle-east, global warming,
continuous wars on terror and against African dictators, and now the Zombie Apocalypse. Sure, the last is
fiction, but with cannibalism on the rise, there are those who truly
believe that the end of the world will be caused by the living dead, not
meteors, an ice age or nuclear war. All I have to say is what a bunch
of fucking idiots. First off, the simple fact that people believe the
Mayan calendar really provided the date that the world is ending is
confusing since they were essentially wiped out themselves. I they were so all-seeing, why didn’t
they see the Spanish coming? Second, if zombies exist then so do
Vampires,
werewolves, the Swamp thing, the boogie man, and Frankenstein...
Ok, actually maybe there has been one
zombie to exist. As Kenny Powers said, "There have been many great
comebacks throughout history. Jesus was dead but then came back as an
all-powerful god zombie."
Either
way, I think the zombie craze is fucking hilarious. This most recent
trend of zombie nation started with the situation in Miami, when a
homeless man who was believed to be under the influence of bath salts
was eating another man’s face like it was In N’ Out burger. This is
disturbing, and eventually the man had to be shot due to his inability to stop eating it when the police told him to. While the victim’s face was essentially lost, I think that the aftermath was just as disturbing. People actually
thought they would be attacked by zombies.
On
yahoo finance yesterday, there was an article about natty Bo loving
Maryland natives who are making a killing putting together a zombie
race. Just to clarify, it’s an obstacle course that requires you to
avoid zombies. George Romero would be so proud. For $25, you can dress
up as the living dead, including getting zombified by a make-up artist,
and pretend you are a zombie slowly lurching your way to the runners.
For $87, you get to run away from these fake zombies as if you were in a
good old apocalyptic horror romp. Plus, you get a free beer even though I
was not aware that zombies drank until I read this article.
Also,
for those avid Tosh.O fans, a few weeks ago he aired one funny fucking
zombie video. It involved some kid running around
the hood in Miami dressed like a zombie. If you check out the video
below, it seems like the real victim ended up being the zombie since, if
you look at the video and freeze it at 1:16, a man pulls out a gun and at
the end he almost gets the shit knocked out of him. If you keep
watching (sorry the visual is so poor), you'll find out that all went
well and in fact they provided this individual some old fashioned crack
rock since zombies also drink beers and smoke the rock. Well, if there
is
a zombie attack, I’m staying urban.
So
essentially, I thought it would be great to list some great zombie
flicks to get everyone in the mood, because if there is a real
zombocalipse, you can learn how to avoid death from watching these
flicks. Or, honestly, you might not learn anything since zombies don't
exist, never have, and thus no one has any clue on how to deal with
them (except Haitians and they're not talking). For all we know, they might suck blood and in order to kill them
they might have to be shot by a silver bullet in the heart. Either way,
preparation is preparation whether accurate or not, am I right or
am I right?
Night of the Living Dead-
George Romero’s black and white zombie thriller is a classic. What can
you take from this? Zombies are extremely slow and thus vulnerable to
kill with some swift ‘Mac from Always Sunny’ ninja moves. They also
despise fires. All you need to do is blind them with a torch and smack
them with a hammer.
Zombieland-
This zombie comedy romp was actually better than expected due to the
crazy man himself, Woody Harrelson (Side note: Speaking of Woody, the autopsy came
back and the cannibal in Miami only had weed in his system). In order to
kill the zombies you need to have a hatred for them, gain enjoyment out
of killing them, and a flare for theatrics. You also
need to make sure you follow the lists provided by Jesse Eisenberg,
because while lame, they might or might not save your life. I especially like
the double-tap shot though and it should be implemented when fighting
any creature.
Dance of the Dead-
This high school comedy horror is a sleeper classic. It’s fucking hilarious
while also containing some solid gore scenes. The best way to mesmerize
those without the ability to think is to apparently play rock music
since it manages to make them freeze in some sort of zombie trance.
Also, you are vulnerable in the bathroom (a rule from ZOMBIELAND too). Therefore, you need to rent
out Creed for the night because it'll probably set you back a whole
$10, not go the bathroom, and when the zombies are in their trance just
smack them with
a hammer.
Dead Snow-
What is worse than zombies? Nazi zombies. This dark comedic flick
reminds you to not trip when you're running. Also, if a creepy stranger
in the middle of the woods warns you to leave, I would say it is a good
idea to leave if for no other reason than to get away from that creep.
Planet Terror-
This portion of the recent Grindhouse collaboration between Q.Tarantino
and Roberto Rodriguez is very good. It definitely does the original
grindhouse flicks justice by including some raunchy characters, a lack
of plot, and some solid action sequences. Also, pending on your zombie
type, you can kill them by stabbing them anywhere or you can just get a
gun, put it on your leg, and shoot them down like they're ducks on the
pond. Helicopter blades also work.
Land of the Dead-
Alright, did George Romero make every decent zombie movie? This
apocalyptic zombie world revolves around some badasses killing zombies
and salvaging whatever they can while the rest of the human population
lives walled up in a city to protect themselves. Apparently, after
awhile, zombies evolve and start thinking and communicating. Also, a
flimsy metal fence and a small moat is not enough to keep millions of
zombies at bay. Does anyone see a political correlation between this and
US’s border wars? Also, by souping up a car and calling it Dead Reckoning, you can destroy any zombies that get in your driving lane.
28 days Later-
Ok, there apparently is a breed of fast and powerful blood thirsty
zombies. This beautifully created flick directed by the guy who would go on to direct SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE shows that apparently when you
become one with your surroundings, you can move around without being
noticed and avoid zombies. Yea, I don’t really understand what happened
during that end segment either. The confusion gives me the rage.
I Am Legend-
This movie does a good job of portraying the after affects of a zombie
apocalypse on NYC; rare animals everywhere, vegetables growing throughout the
city, and everything damaged and rusty. That said, it's overall a poor
movie. Also, were the creatures in this zombies or vampires? It’s tough
to say since they only hunted at night, but were mostly brainless and created by a virus.
Dawn of the Dead-Remake-
This actually was pretty terrifying, but honestly, you need to know and
be comfortable with your surroundings. Sure, you have a shit load of
supplies, but there are just way too many variables in a mall. Countless
stores where zombies can still be hiding, a lot of doors, and if you
eat too many Auntie Anne’s pretzels you won't be able to run away. And please aim for the head when shooting.
Zombie-This
1979 zombie flick gives the hostel films a run for the porn gore title.
With an epic cringing eye scene and a lot of detailed zombie feasting,
this old school flick will make you feel like shit. Also, you know that
question of who would win between an alligator and a shark? Well this
movie does not answer that question, but it does provide the answer for
who would win between a zombie and a shark. Please note that this movie
proves that zombies can still hunt in the water. Also, I would avoid an
island filled
with the living dead, but that’s just me.
Shaun of the Dead-Not
only is this the funniest zombie flick ever created, it might be the
best horror comedy ever. This movie teaches you so much. Records do not
do too much towards killing zombies and neither do darts. If necessary, the best way to get
through a crowd of zombies is walk awkwardly like them and, when
considering your destination options, there's nowhere better to hide
out than in a pub.
Dawn of the Dead-Original-Even though the whole world knows there's a zombie plague, that doesn't mean you'll be safe. Eventually,
there are just too many zombies who can over take armies. Now, the real
question is which presidential candidate, Obama or Romney, would divert
money from international wars to domestic safety if the US was
experiencing such a situation?
Cabin in the Woods-
This recent campy horror satire was a surprise hit. Apparently zombies,
and all other monsters, are controlled by a bunch of humans. If
you see a zombie with a bear trap connected to a chain, I would really
prefer to avoid him. Also, if you get a zombie down, you need to
completely dismember the shit out of it. Apparently, any part will
still move even if not intact to the rest of the body.
Evil Dead-
I guess a lot of the monsters in this are zombies and what better way
to kill zombies than to mow them down with a chain saw? Also, why would
you listen to tapes about the undead? Seriously?
Dead Alive- This hokey Peter Jackson flick shows you that a lawnmower can be used as a weapon
Rec-
This freaky panish instant classic proves that if they
quarantine your building without caring if anyone is actually in it,
then some shit is about to go down. And they'll even do this to the elite press. I would've tried to get up to the
roof or stay locked up in my room, but that's neither here nor there.
At this point, it might as well be every man for himself.
The next big name zombie thriller is World War Z, starring Brad Pitt and directed by Marc Forster. They should probably crank this movie out quicker and get it out when the getting is good. Maybe zombies are the new vampires.
- Kyle
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