Why Durex Is The Most Important Olympic Sponsor You'll Never See

Olympic sex.

Conjures up visions of marathon sessions lasting late into the night, going through 2, 3 condoms. The kind of sex that leaves you physically drained, maybe even a little sore. The kind where you’re both sweating hard, breathing heavy, toggling between positions and surfaces like a gymnast going from high bars to pommel horse to vault without missing a beat, a truly ambitious physical feat.

 It can also refer to a romp where you engage in some acrobatic positions, hanging from ceiling beams or twisted in strange contortions and/or perhaps involving some sort of exercise equipment. But it turns out that just like there’s your neighborhood Olympics where they give out plastic trophies to little kids and the real, once every 4-year Olympics where countries compete for global domination, so too is there what happened in your apartment that other night with that hotbody from the gym and separately what happens when the crème de la crème of international athletics get together for some of the old in/out.

Case in point – in Vancouver, with 7,000 athletes, over 100,000 condoms were used in the dormlike Olympic village. London has 10,000 athletes and Durex has signed on as a sponsor, providing Olympic village with 150,000 free condoms and even then people are worried that might not be enough.

Hope Solo/ ESPN body issue - party

The Vancouver numbers averages out to about 15 condoms per athlete. If we break it down to the fact that every usage involves 2 people to a condom – actually maybe let’s make that 1.75 in case the Olympics get really Dionysian in the great Greek tradition (2 condoms for 3 people in a good old fashioned ménage a trios, for example) – that would bring one to the general conclusion that the average Olympian has sex 26.25 times over the 2 week period. And that doesn't include unprotected sex ('cuz sometimes you just can't get to a rubber in time) and oral. Oh yeah, and in the middle of that they compete in the most difficult and, in most cases, the most visible sporting events in which they will ever compete. While this may be shocking to all those who feel some bullshit WHOLESOME patriotic surge when they see those phenomenal specimens performing sports we only care about once every 4 years, for me it’s a beautiful reminder that these glorious achievers are, in the end, mere mortals. Still, if mom and pop in Nebraska were offended by Michael Phelps taking a bong rip, how do you think they’ll feel if they learned he and Shawn Johnson had a crazy 5 hour marathon bang session joined by one of the Rwandan track runners? Not that there’s any proof of this, no, but according to accounts literally everybody is banging – in their dorms, in bathrooms, occasionally just in shadowy corners of the village. As Hope Solo, goalkeeper for the US women's soccer team said in an ESPN: The Magazine interview about the Beijing games: "On the grass, between buildings, people are getting down and dirty." And Durex, god bless, has signed on to keep them safe.

But yes, starting Friday London's sex average will skyrocket as these men and women get after it and why not? These are mostly young adults who've spent their whole lives sheltered in Olympic Development Programs, eschewing traditional experimentation in sex and partying for early morning training sessions followed by afternoon practices that leave them with just enough energy to down the couple thousand calories they need to keep their bodies pumping, 6 or 7 days a week until they either make it to the Olympics or (more often) they either burnout, blow out (I have at least 2 friends who were Olympic hopefuls but were barred from the big show by repeated knee injury until they finally had to give it up), or just don't make the cut by their peak. 

So and but these elite we'll be watching come Friday have made it to the big show after basically sacrificing their whole young lives to the single-minded pursuit of their individual sports - many of which are so goddamned boring one wonders not only how they can handle the constant muscle soreness and the exhaustion but the immense monotony. I remember watching the NBAC practice at the pool where I was a lifeguard growing up, Meadowbrook. It would be literally a 2-way street of swimmers just stroking back and forth for a few hours. When they weren't practicing during the summer months they mostly just hung around the pool, drinking free sodas and having a FUN swim. I remember specifically this one geek named Phelps who literally was always there, always talking to the lifeguards and concessions people as if we were his friends, his family. I wonder what that square's up to these days? Oh, right.

Shawn Johnson isn't returning - but Romania's Sandra Izbasa is...

So yeah, we have these highly-sheltered youths (because if you think America's training is rigorous, just look at the schedules espoused by those Asian countries) who've arrived at the single event they've prepared for their whole lives, which also happens to coincide with the only time when they'll actually be considered athletic celebrities. So for most of them, this is the pinnacle of their existence. So there'll be a lot of adrenaline pumping outside the arena/pool/etc...

Add to that the fact that these people are for the most part possessed of the most perfect bodies on earth. And as such add the fact that, with said bodies, they can do most physical activities better than most other humans on earth. And finally bring it all together with the fact that, yes, sex is a physical activity and boom, you have the biggest freakfest this side of Swingstock 2012 but infinitely more attractive.

In Shaft , Richard Roundtree has a scene where his girlfriend asks if he's okay and he says he's "tired of feeling like a machine." This is followed by some serious soulful lovemakin' to a funk background. But as such, it makes sense that these Olympians are tired of feeling like machines. And they're ready to party.

So as you're watching the Olympics, where they tell the special interest stories and backgrounds, talk about the fun activities and facilities set up for the athletes, remember one simple fact - that these folks are bashing records not only between the lines but also between the sheets. And maybe instead of trying to hide from this, we should be celebrating the fact that these sports geeks, most of whom have and will continue to toil in relative athletic obscurity, and who never got to have the fun of reckless youth, are gettin' their freak on. And more than anything else during these modern games, a little lovin' is probably most similar to what actually happened in ancient Greece. Good luck, athletes. And god speed.

And oh yeah, remember to wrap it up. God knows what international diseases are out there. Though on the other hand any children born of such Olympic gods  - hell, the athletic prowess of such a child would be off the charts.

- Ryan