Visions of London: Olympic Events You Know Nothing About, Week 7 (Let's Duel

Wars are not what they used to be. Back in the day, you proved which country was stronger by the strength and bravery of each man in your army in actual combat. While numbers were important, it also took that warrior spirit to be able to withstand the barrage of men using whatever was in their reach as a prop to cause epic pain. Nowadays, wars are fought hundreds of yards, miles, and even seas away. Sure there are gun fights and I’m not taking anything away from the men who serve their country and have been exposed to such warfare, but what I’m saying is that I think the close range fight better indicates the strength of a country. For instance, the US was way stronger and larger than Vietnam, but we did not win that war. With a press of a button today, a country can simply win a war. Personally, I think we should go back to the medieval days in order to prove which country is tougher. 

When you get in a fight on the street, you don’t prove who's better by standing 20 feet away and throwing rocks at each other. This isn’t the return to Scotland scene from Braveheart for fuck sake. It's more like the battle scenes from Braveheart. Fear was not an option on those open battlefields and sure there would be arrows flying but that took more skill than pulling a goddamn trigger. As the archers rained down, then there would be nothing left but to stand there as a target practice on the blood soaked battlefield. In Game of Thrones, King Jaffrey’s bodyguard Dog lost his mind during an epic battle and almost lost his life.  Back in the day, individuals fought on a field, lined thousands deep, with nothing but archers and close ranged weapons. This was a true testament of human strength.

So if you were to implement an army from the medieval days, who would you invite first to fight on those fields? Sure, Olympic archers are a must. I guess jousters should be included as well, but only those who compete in that Real Steel show. Those pansies at the Renaissance festival need not apply. Now, the last individuals in your medieval army would be those infantry men who embrace old school hand to hand combat.

Fencing as we know it is a very awkward sport, but once you break it down to its core it's simply sword fighting. Every man has had some dream or fantasy about wielding a sword in battle and completely dominating the opposition. Sure this dream sequence doesn't include scores and a shit load of white pads but, nonetheless, this is really as close you get to wielding a sword in combat. Sure there are sword duels at renaissance fairs and medieval times, but comparing the two is like comparing real wrestling and WWF. One is for entertainment purposed and the other is not.

So what's the deal with fencing? Well there are 5 events in both the male and female grouping. They consist of Individual events in foil, epee and sabre; and team events in foil and sabre. It takes place on a piste (I’m not kidding) which is 14 meters long and between 1.5-2m meters wide and, spoiler alert, no one dies. Lame, I know.

Just in case you for some reason are watching this with potential swamp dog and feel that having knowledge pertaining to this sport will get you laid, here's some fencing jargon. Please note that she might also just find you weird after this.

Jargon buster

Epée – the heaviest weapon and a true dueling sword: the whole body is a target, and opposing fencers can simultaneously score hits.

Foil – a light weapon derived from the court sword, the foil has very strict right-of-way and timing rules. The target area in foil bouts is the torso.

Sabre – in sabre, which is derived from the cavalry sword, fencers usually score hits with the edge of the weapon on a target area limited to anywhere above the waist – this is because it was once considered ungentlemanly to hit an opponent’s horse.

Lunge – a fast, forward movement when attacking, with the back foot static but the front foot and body moving dynamically towards the opponent.

Parry – a defensive move, used to block your opponent’s blade.

Riposte – scoring a hit after you’ve successfully executed a parry.

Piste – the field of play

So now, who would be the top sword fighters in the world?

Mariel Zagunas- United States- The 27 year old woman from Beaverton, Oregon is looking for her third Olympic gold Medal. Not only she has dominated the Olympics but has always had a strong showing in competition, with a plethora of varied medals to her name. So what other female has wielded a sword to the extent of utter domination?  Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill. She could take down an entire militia followed by dominating a top tier assassin. Is it me or does Uma Thurman live the life of a bear? She dominates for awhile then goes into complete hibernation.

Nicolas Limbach- Germany-He has the most points of any one in the world and should be able to easily fend off the competition as he dominates the sabre. Now, who can we compare to such a strong swordsman? There have been countless individuals who've wielded a similar weapon. Half the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean, Peter Pan, Hook, and Zorro, to name a few. But honestly, fuck that simple sword fighting shit. I believe Blade can wield a sword better than most of these men, and because he's half Vamp, he could just kill them with his hands anyway.

- Kyle