As Europe said, "It's the Final Countdown" (by the way does anybody else think that should be the Olympic anthem?). Tonight is the opening ceremony for the XXXth Olympiad. Tomorrow we'll see more people converging on London than went to the last Quidditch World Cup, y'know, the one where the Death Eaters ruined things with that big skull-snake cloud thing (how much would you bet Daniel Radcliffe gets heavy screentime and/or there's a big HARRY POTTER theme running through the opening ceremonies, wizards riding brooms suspended from the sky or some shit).
So, with the Olympics about the kick off, here's a final summary of all the events Kyle's been elucidating in this brilliant blog, as well as our other Olympic articles, as well as a couple fun facts to allow to swim through your head as you sit on your couch and pretend to get really amped for swimming.
FACTS
- Due to England's massive gambling culture, this Olympics is predicted to be the most bet-upon games ever. Projections are that $80,000,000 will be gambled during these 2 weeks, less than, say, a big horse race or a big soccer match but that's a lot of money for people to throw down on sports they probably know hardly anything about. Though if they just scroll down, they might learn a little somethin'.
- It should be noted those Brits are so crazy for the gamble that they're even betting on what color the Queen's hat will be during the opening ceremony - the leader is peach
- Greece just kicked Voula Papachristou off their Olympic team for a "racist" tweet where she said "With so many Africans in Greece, the West Nile mosquitoes will be getting home food!!!" She's referring to an apparent rise in African refugees in Greece. This is perhaps a bit insensitive but racist? Here's a racist joke - "How did the Italians come to America? The first one swam over and the rest walked on the oil slick." But hers is really just a comment on an actual possibility - they have a rising infestation of West Nile mosquitoes and African immigrants. The thing that sucks the most? She's pretty hot. Well, guess that's just the loss of the Olympic village, as is referred to in the below article on the Sex Olympics.
- The average percentage the Olympics have been over budget, historically, is 179%. The Barcelona games held the record for most over budget, at 417%. These Olympics are right now being estimated at $14.8 billion, 200% over budget (that doesn't include the first budget number, that was used to win the bid but then thrown aside when planning actually commenced). This means this 2-week sporting event, thought to be the most expensive sporting event since 1996, cost more than the annual GDP of about 50 nations, a lot of whom compete in the Olympics, including Rwanda, Finland, Benin, the Bahamas - in general most of the African and other island nations. It's all good. Not like we're in a global recession or anything.
- Michael Phelps is viewing this as his last Olympics and "taking it easy" - that is, he's only competing in 7 events, eschewing the 200 M freestyle. I guess that bong rip has really taken its toll.Still, it sounds like he's cruising around the village like a fuckin' rockstar.
- With China's legendary Bird's nest stadium now little more than a half-assed indoor ski slope and sometime tourist attraction and Greek's facilities not only sitting unused but actually a reminder that all the money they spent on the Olympics would've been nice to have now that their economy is crumbling, London has been touted for its efforts to either reuse and/or take down structures made for this Olympics. For example, the London Olympic bowl currently has 70,000 spectator seats. Once the Olympics are over, however, 55,000 of those will be removed, leaving a more manageable 25k seats in a stadium currently being bid on by football clubs Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham, as well as a college and a few companies to use as a home field after the Olympics.
- This is the 40 year anniversary of the Israeli murders at the Munich Olympics. Yet the IOC is denying any moments of silence/etc... for the fallen athletes. If you want to claim it's in the interest of keeping the peace I say that's bullshit - the thing is, the Olympics are about international cooperation, or so they tout. As such, the idea of athletes being killed by any other country should be met with eternal expulsion of the country. At the same time, this is the same organization whose 1936 Olympics was held in Berlin presided over by its charismatic leader, Adolf Hitler (just prior to which the two American Jewish athletes were kicked off the team), whose president in the 80's was a former Spanish fascist, and so on. So don't believe all that "World coming together" bullshit. This is about people trying to best each other and politics be damned. The only unions and harmonies made during the Olympics will be the ones that Durex is there to take care of (see below article)
- 20 years ago the Grateful Dead sponsored the nation of Lithuania's basketball team. They ended up winning the Bronze which was super important for the at-that-time fledgling country. Doesn't have that much to do with this Olympics but, y'know, that's pretty rad, right?
Alright, that's it for a few fun Olympic facts. Aren't you excited? I'm tingling - though it could be that blotter I got from the Lithuanian point guard who lives in the apartment next door. Regardless, check below for Kyle's article comparing this year's US B-ball team to the Dream Team, Ryan's article about Olympic Sex, and Kyle's exhaustive 10-week analysis of 11 Olympic sports you know nothing about but should.
ARTICLES
SHUT UP, KOBE: Kyle runs the numbers comparing this Olympic B-ball team to the Dream team in The Dream Team vs. 2012 Olympic Hoops Team: Why Kobe is Living in a Dream World
OLYMPIC SEX: Ryan talks about how the athletes put the XXX into the XXXth Olympiad and why the Olympic Village becomes a den of more rampant sexual promiscuity that Hef's grotto in Why Durex is the Most Important Olympic Sponsor You'll Never See
SPORTS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
Kyle runs through the Shooting events in which a controlled explosion propelling a lead plug down a long metal tube towards an arbitrary inanimate object is considered a sport.
In AGE OF INNOCENCE high society women had epic archery competitions. Then everybody decided that was gay. Now HUNGER GAMES has made archery cool again. Check out Kyle's rundown to see who to cheer for.
Washington Crossed the Delaware on a canoe of some sort and we subsequently won our independence. Every tribe all over the world used canoes to get around. Then came an invention known as the outboard motor and canoes were reduced to transpo for hippies and the Olympics.
The most attention to ever befall the sport of diving was when everybody wondered if Greg Louganis had given his fellow competitors and trainers AIDS (too soon?). Kyle talks about who to watch in a sport that's almost super cool. ALMOST. But not really.
I thought this was just an excuse to convince blue blood girls to keep thin by running around a field bending over in plaid skirts. Who knew it was a real sport? Kyle did. Or at least he does now with this rundown of the highest level of what I used to call "mobilized golf".
It's like 3 flies meets nukem meets racquetball. I think. Not really sure. How is this still a sport? Here's how (and who's good at it).
So yeah, sword fighting's the shit. Like everything else, when you add a bunch of safety gear and rules and shit to it, the old battle of the blade loses some of its bad-assitude but it's still sword-fighting. Right? Check here for a rundown of the different events as well as who to watch.
This is the original MMA since most of the original martial arts were blends of different schools evolving over millenia to compose a whole collection of moves and traditions which we are now mixing again to create a new medium we call mixed martial arts because we've lost all creativity when it comes to naming shit. Seriously, though, this is cool. Just ask Ralph Macchio. Find out what you need to know about it here.
Serving the cock. Shuttlecock. Huh huh. Shuttlecock. Fuckin' classic. Seriously, who plays this? Oh right, these guys and girls (I'll give you a hint - they're also known for having good ping pong teams).
Week 10: SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING and TRAMPOLINING
To finish it up Kyle gives a rundown on both synchronized swimming (did you know Robert Evans had a party last year where he hired synchronized swimmers to do a routine in his pool for guests? man, the kid's still got class) and trampolining. Check out the rules, judging and dominators of these artistic athletic endeavors.
So there you have it. If that's not in-depth, high level run-up journalism as you've come to expect it from this bastion of true journalistic integrity and excellence, Man's Ambition, I don't know what is. No, seriously, I don't know what journalistic integrity and excellence is. This is a big problem for me.
- Ryan
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